I laid down my head most innocently
I started to drift away with the sound of the sea
Exhausted, My eyes closed.
Dreaming of tomorrow,
the date we arrive in New York
arriving on the unsinkable ship.
Suddenly I woke up
there was quick sharp knock
With a hurried, worried voice
a porter said "Disaster, come, hurry up!."
Up the stairs I walked
Something was not right
in the atmosphere.
Panic filled the air
so distinct was the feel
So dark was the night.
On the deck I stood
a panic suddenly struck me
so many people
so little time.
The ship was sinking
The unsinkable was sinking
Everyone was afraid to die.
Men rushing their families into life boats,
Children screaming their parents names,
Women refusing to go without their families,
friends getting parted forever.
Someone grabbed my shoulder and turned me around
"Hurry" was all the man said
as he led me to a lifeboat
I wanted to refuse
so many people were left
But somehow I found myself being lowered into the deep ocean depth.
The life boat was only half full
and so were all the others.
Life boats half full with people..
and the other half with fright.
Time ticked on.......
Eventually all the life boats had gone
Only half full.....
Hundreds of people still left panicking aboard.
People jumping last minute off the ship
Some got pulled onto life boats...
All the rest drowned.
The ship slowly sank
The ship slowly broke
Killing all hundreds inside..
Making my heart break with it
Making my eyes fill with tears.
As I looked around me I saw;
Women hugging there children trying to keep them warm
So few men
And everyone was crying...
Including me.
Tears flooded my eyes,
as I listened to the crying..
the air was full mostly of the wailing of the dying.
I could see people in the deep ocean drowning, wailing.
People on the ship, screaming, crying.
Then eventually it all stopped.
My heart thudded,
Hundreds dead, families forever grieving, Unforgettably memories.
Lonely..
Hopeless..
lost... dead.
I am really interested in the titanic, Please comment! I would like all feedback to make this poem great!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is an awesome story! so sad, though. great visual! the only thing though is that you spelled flooded wrong...
but this story is constructed brilliantly and it kept me reading it the whole time.
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thx
Thank you!
Yeha, yeah, me and my spelling
Lolz.. Thanks so much! I love it to (haha)
I'm glad you do!
celtic
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Very Good
Powerful subject; it's very moving. I like the way you told the story. It is full of emotion and stirred mine as well. On another day this probably would have made me cry. If you can write your poems on a Word Document program or something like it that would help catch some of your typos. Then you could copy it and paste it in. Here is one you missed: new york = New York. There were a few other things I would suggest. I would switch this line around: My eyes closed exhausted. I would say Exhausted, my eyes closed. You also might consider: Suddenly I woke up instead of wake up. I would add {in} into this:
Something was not right
in the atmosphere. or with
I think rather than thudded I would say my heart pounded. You also might consider centering this one to make the lines look less uneven. I like to do that but some people don't. Great write.
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Thanksy's
Thank you very much!
Yeah.. I wish I was better at that stuff lolz....
Thanks ya!
celtic
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The life boat was only half full
and so where all the others.
is that supposed to say and so where all the others?
but thisss is a veryyy good poem i like it a lot it explains a lot and puts you there.
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thanks!
Thank you!
Yeah.. That's my spelling
..
Ibetter fix that
Celtic
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I really liked reading this .The picture I get from your poem is very detailed .It's like the whole thing is happening in front of me .The topic is interesting and I like the background you've used in here.Favorite stanza :Tears flouded my eyes,
as I listened to the crying..
the air was full mostly of the wailing of the dying.
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Thanks :)
Thanks you so much for looking over it
I love the titanic, so I decided to try and write about it
Thanks,
Celtic
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Great!
It's not often one can sum up my fear of the water so articulately, and I applaud you for your capability of it. Of course, no poem is ever perfect yet this is very near my friend. The one paragraph that bothered me was:
Tears ran down my cheeks,
Listening to all the crying of the people..
but the air was full mostly of the wailing of the dying.
With what I've seen of the rest of your poetry I think that this could easily be re-written, some general suggestions would be:
Tears streamed down cheeks unfeeling
Lost ears catching wisps of the dying wails
The air thick as a maelstrom with their gasps
Of course, you are a different poet than I. I would suggest working a bit on the general flow of that one part.
Great poem!
Ten sinking ships out of ten!
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