"I can't sleep!"
I whine every Sunday night,
and without avail,
the sleeping bill bottle
falls into my ready hands.
How many should I take tonight?
How many will push me
from sleep to death?
My limit last time was four
Even then, I could not sleep.
These pills have no affect on me
I'm like a modern day Houndini!
I'm proud of this
macabre fact
I screw the cap on again
With my five pills waiting in my hand
"I'll just save these in my room,
for other Sunday nights."
I close the door.
Even now, I do not sleep.
Author notes
I'm amateur. This is Really bad. So...be gentle with your comments. i know I suck.
Comments
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You don't suck
So don't say that! Anything takes practice. I enjoyed this. I think one thing that would really give this poem more effect would be to consider the form. Maybe put it in some stanza's. And I would also work with lines 6-15. I would work on making them sound less like I was talking to myself and more like I was explaining to someone else the anxiety sleeplessness causes me. Its deffinately a good start! Good luck!
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KS,
This is not bad. Actually, I like it. I like the ideas in it. I think you meant to say pill instead of bill in the fourth line.
Actually, rereading it, this is an amazing poem. Pain is awful, but it makes such beautiful poetry. Hang in there, you're a great writer.
I really, really like this poem.
Welcome to SP
-Colin -
DON'T BE SO DOWN ON YOURSLEF! Even though it was kindof funny to read, I liked the way this went from the very depressing subject matter to joking lines like: "I'm like a modern day Houndini!" In the second line, the word 'whine' stuck out to me a little. The vibe I got form this wass that it was more contemplative, and the word 'whine' kindof makes me think of talking or complaining to someone, if you get what I'm saying.
Good job,
-S
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