A girl came out of her window,
looking at the sunset,
so beautiful with orange, pink, and blue
mixed together.
The wind passes through her
dirty-blond hair,
as she feels the nature
and feeling her own self.
"It's so peaceful," she
said.
As the crows suddenly flew out from
behind her, her
heart ached.
"I don't . . . I don't want
to . . . remember. i don't
want to," she sobs.
That night, that rain,
her love broke her like breaking a vase
She cried and asked why doesn't he
love her anymore
And her love, her life, said,"I hate you being
like that. You're so stupid to be smiling. I
hate you."
And the last words shoot her like
lightning through her heart.
She got back to her
knees and said,"I
won't cry. I won't regret
falling in love with you.
Even though it was short, thank
you for letting me
feel what love is. Thank
you."
She looks up at the sunset
and sobs more.
But the sobs were
happiness.
She went back to her room
with one last glance at the
beautiful sunset.
And then she closed the window,
leaving a red rose behind her.
With a little tear from her
face on the rose, that shone
like thousand diamonds.
Author notes
When i listen to the song that i was listening i got this image and i wrote it. LOL... Here's the link that will lead you to the song i was listening:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqv7U97heRI&feature=PlayList&p=A9600E7DBC80D49E&playnext=1&index=18
I know the song is Japanese but just listen to the words, harmony, instrument, and voices. Give me a comment of what yout think of my poem and the song too!
Does it it hurt to be broken heart?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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good job. tells a story thats easy to picture, but leaves the reader to decide some for themselves. strong appeals to emotion.
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Okay, now i'm getting angry.
Sorry, my computer is acting up. This is my third attempt to commenting, and it better not get messed up this time.
Anyways, instead of making my head explode from typing the same thing for the third time, I guess i'll just answer your q...yes, yes it does...but I know you already knew that. -
Hello bc - This is a beautiful extended image you got from the song. It has the rhythms of music and is very accomplished for someone with an astonishing lack of years behind you. I have a few suggestions, but they're all cosmetic, either grammar or spelling.
See what you think about leaving "mixed" out of the first stanza, I think it would improve the rhythm, and isn't needed for meaning.
Last two lines of Stanza 2 - It seems a little awkward now, if you cut some of the words out it might look like this:
"...as she feels nature
embracing her..." - If this is not what you intended for meaning, just ignore my messing with it.
6th Stanza "broke" instead of "broked". And maybe "shook her" instead of "shoot her."
"...I won't regret
(of) falling in love with you. (of) can go.
And 3rd from the last stanza - "at" the beautiful sunset.
OK I'm finished - but revision never seems to be. This is really a solid piece of work. Cheers, MJ
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that was very beautiful,your a great writer
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That was the WEIRDEST song ever.
language: 1, rhythm: 1, subject: 1, tone: 1, form: 1.
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Hey I really liked your poem .It's really good and it's an original ,beautiful way for describing love .The imagery is really good and it's like a movie or something .Nicely done !My favorite is the last stanza .
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hey bigc,this is such a beautiful,honest,sincere and real poem,its nice to read a love poem that comes from the heart..
you have structured this very well,it lets the reader sink into the words
a few suggestions for you if you dont mind;
"brown-like hair" is a weak way of describing this lovely girls hair so work on that
As the crows suddenly FLEW out,not FLIED out..
You describe her love as "the guy"..think of some words better to describe him,she loves him remember
My favorite part is the ending;
She looks up to the sunset
and sobs more
But the sobs were
happiness
She went back to her room
with one last glance of the
beautiful sunset
And then she closed the window,
leaving a red rose behind her
With a little tear from her
face on the rose,that shined (its shone,not shined)
like a thousand diamonds
I really really like this poem
well done
bye
rhet
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