Yesterday, I saw a girl
by the river,
crying.
Regretting, as she was, I
stepped closer,
to look at her.
I noticed that her
cries was making harmony with her
tears.
I sat beside her,
looking at the river,
motionless.
The river was black as
its original
color.
And then, I understand.
The girl's tears were
making pictures
of her dead love ones.
Regret,
Hatred,
Lonely,
Shattered,
and
Alone, she's feeling.
Under me, I heard the
pictures saying,
"light will come to shine at her".
I stood
up, smiling
and left.
I said,"sayonara"
to the girl,
"light will come to shine you".
She stopped,
stared at me
and smiled.
For she knew that it's
time to
move on.
At that
moment, the sun
rose.
With the
the blessings it
gives us today.
=)
Author notes
Sayonara is a japanese word for "good-bye". I wrote this poem when i was listening to the song called "Sayonara Solitia" by Chiba Saeko. The sone is Good-bye Solitaire or Farewell Solitaire.
Here's the link. And i know it's in japanese but just listen to it and compare it to the poem. Hope you like the song! =D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYs0VWd60cE&feature=related
Do u feel sad when you lost someone u care about?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Good job
I like the way you told this story. I think you did a good job of conveying the emotions you wanted too. I'll point out a few things you should correct to improve it. Well, the first thing I was going to tell you to fix you've already fixed. I noticed it in the preview. You had a typo on the word stepped as steeped. You need to go into the edit page and erase the preview and resubmit it. That will allow it to update to the corrected form. This seems awkward:
I noticed that her
cry was making harmony with her
You might consider - her sobs were making - or - her crying was -
the sun
rise.
This needs to be - the sun rose. Now, this is a matter of opinion but I think you could remove the commas at the ends of your lines. I've learned that in poetry we don't really need them. They can distract the reader. Very good poem.
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hey bigc,this poem is tragic,beautiful and hopeful..you do a great job awakening romantic notions,it`s well structured but there is room for improvement,you have used a few unnecessary full stops and commas which only hinders the flow of the poem so you might want to look at that...
keep it up,i love to escape in your poems
bye
rhet
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i liked the feeling at the end. it was serene. not as sad as when it first opened up. keep writing!
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sad
this is really sad lots of emotion in this one "The girl's tears were making pictures"
brilliant line you have talent I look forward to reading more of your work
im not to big on criticizing
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Beautiful, Sheena.
I'm going to refrain from pointing out the shortfalls of the execution of the poem. Instead, I'll focus on the meaning.
I'm familiar with that song, actually it's one of my favorites, and I have to say this is such a wonderful companion to it. The sadness, and yet the lindering ray of hope...you've captured that entirely. -
awesome,..
only a couple parts need fixing,... btw the imagery was great!!,... "
The girl's tears was
making pictures
of her dead love ones."... maybe *were* instead of "was"?.....
.... my favorite part was
" looking at the river,
motionless.
The river was black as
its original
... i think it was beautiful,.. just the words give you the image as if you were right there walking up on something like that.. but in an old aged young way.... i liked it a lot.. great poem Coolyo
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amazing
it was wrote as if I was standing right there. A clear picture illustaration. Nicely done.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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i love i
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yea... i lost 3 friends to Iraq and it felt like my soul was gone
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