I pull away
Pull myself back
I think I’ve won
But I
Backtrack back to you.
I try to leave
You’re on my mind.
Why should I think of you
When you don’t think of me?
Anger
At you
Mostly at me
For being reminded of you
Whenever I see the letter R
For not forgetting you.
I want you
So much.
I miss the perfect you
I thought you were
In the beginning,
Before romance was even there,
Just two kids on a dock
And you seemed so perfect
In the bright light seeping from the sun.
Now the perfect fades
I still cant leave
Cant forget you.
Why wont you leave me alone?
Torture me with your thoughts,
Every time I’ve nearly
Forgotten to forget you
You’re back again
Just as unperfect
Just as wantable.
If I could leave I would but I’m
Stuck to you
Like a piece of paper glued to another
By a clumsy child.
I love you
So much, so much
In the night
The thoughts of you are so heavy
They wake me up before the alarm
Jolts itself awake.
You push down on me
Why wont you let me leave?
Why do you make me battle,
Day after day
For freedom from you I will never get?
Why do you make me rage into my paper
Remembering how good it felt to send you away,
How good to get you back.
I hate myself in moments
Where I can’t control my mind.
I just can’t leave you behind.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Random thoughs...
Line 5 - It's interesting, I started reading this through in my head and paused at the reptition of "back" here, cause I wasn't entirely sure about whether or not it worked. Then I started at the beginning and read it aloud, which made the back in line two more prominent, and then it worked. odd how different ways of reading things have different effects.
10 - This poem seems to occur in very much discreet sections, which I think I'd be tempted to demarcate as separate stanzas. You end up assumign that they're there when you're reading anyway, and I don't think the whole "big long block of text" thing quite works.
12 - This is a lovely little detail which just rounds out the character of the narrator and adds a lot more depth to what's going on. Effective and something that I, at least, could very much identify with.
13 - I think tat this point you've just started to use too many "you"s. I know it's hard, when the poem is effectively a direct address, but... *does a quick count* you have 27 in a fairly short poem. It's just a bit too much.
14 - Nice little detail.
16-17 - This feels a little bit too cliche. "I want you so much" it's just one of those things that people say a lot and is really quite uninteresting as a phrase.
23 - Not convinced by the repetition of "perfect".
24 - Great line. The assonance and alliteration just makes it lovely to say, it flows off your tongue.
25 - Yeah, I would delete the second perfect, and then the word would nicely enclose this reflective passage with a "perfect" at the start" and one at the end.
27 - Returning to an earlier point, this line could quite easily be "Can't forget", you don't have to say "Can't forget you" because the reader knows exactly what it is that you weant to forget by now.
28 - I like the shifting so that the perosn is actively persuing. Consider the earlier line about "mostly at me", it fits very nicely here that the narrator is basically saying "you're chasing me" when he really means "I want to chase you".
29 - I get what you're trying to say, but this doesn't really make sense. You can write "torture me with thoughts of you", but someone else's thoughts can't actively torture someone, you can only be plagued by your *own* thoughts.
31 - Great turn of phrase.
33 - *imperfect, unperfect isn't a word I'm afraid, lol.
34 - "Wantable" is a very inelegant word, it falls very flat as a piece of vocabulary. Something like "desirable" would be better I think.
37 - For some reason my head is saying this would feel much better as "Like one piece of paper glued to another". I don't know why, ask my subconcious.
38 - I think there's something incredibly fitting about a clumsy child as a metaphor for the connection of imperfect love affairs.
39 - I can't say I ever like reading "I love you" in a poem, I don't think it can ever escape being boring.
41 - I'm not sure how intentional this was, but I do really like the qulification of "I love you ... in the night". The desire for the person is instinctual and passionate, and you know that the relationship is il-fated and wouldn't work, but you want it all the same. So you love in the night, but telly uorself that you don't by the clear light of day.
42 - It feels a little as if you're almost mixing metaphors here. Heavy things, metaphorically, make you weary, and tired. So I'm not sure how far saying "it's so heavy it wakes me up" really works.
44 - I wouldn't use "wake" and then "awake" in consecutive lines,.
48 - Is this line that necessary? It's not a very interesting phrase. Inherently (and with no pun intended) it feels very "every day". If the reader hasn't understoof by now that this emotional turbulence felt by the narrator is fairly constant, then I tbink the reader is being very stupid.
49 - This is a slightly inelegant sentence. As if the words have been forced a little bit in order to contain what you're trying to say. Actually, i'd delete the "from you". So:
"Why wont you let me leave?
Why do you make me battle,
Day after day
For freedom I will never get?"
That makes the "day after day" work better as well. Again, if the reader doesn't know what the narrator is trying to get freedom from by now, they probably shouldn't be reading the poetry, lol.
50 - Great bit of characterisation. The alarm clock comment means that we know the poem is talking about the early morning, so all you need to sday is "rage into my paper" and the entire scene within the poem just arranges itself in the reader's mind. very clever.
52 - A very honest and intriguing insight about the slightly perverse enjoyment of the cat and mosue element of some relationships. Excellent.
53-4 - This couplet wavers slightly on the verse of sounding trite, but doesn't, and actually ends up as very striking. The lines themszelves have a really excellent rhythm to them.
55 - I would suggest putting a comma at the end of the previous line, so that this was not a stand alone sentence, and then I would delete the "just". Whilst I like the lone, it feels very separate as an individual sentence and doesn't sound much line an ending, if you get me. I think:
I hate myself in moments
Where I can’t control my mind;
I can’t leave you behind.
has a much better sense of finality. It's a more satisfying rhythmic conclusion than what you have at the moment.
Really great write, especially the opening. Free verse is a hard thing to get right, because people often seem to just go "Hey, if there aren't any rules I don't need to think about what I'm doing", but you're obviously pretty careful as a writer, and it's much to your benefit. Definitely a poem that works better when read aloud to better emphasise the internal rhyme and assonance. I enjoyed this very much.language: 3, rhythm: 5, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this and comment on it so thouroughly. I definetly liked your suggestions and they're very helpful. I agree with them and I especially like your changes to the last stanza. Also, I might break it up into verses, rather then the long block of text.
Cheers!
-Colin -
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Yeah, some people get slightly scared by my epic comments, but I'm glad you found at least some of my random thoughts helpful.
All the best,
Chris
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Forgot the applause...
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Now why didn't I see this??
I really like it. It's very good. Awesome. I kind of feel this way too, about a friend, in the middle, where my favorite part is,
Why should I think of you
When you don’t think of me?
Anger
At you
Mostly at me
For being reminded of you
Whenever I see the letter R
For not forgetting you.
This might be my favorite...
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Hawk,
I think people feel this way a lot, but we never admit it to each other. We never mention it. Your friend could be feeling the same way about you, but you never say anything and neither does she (or he) and things slip by. It's the poets who are lucky, since we have the chance to put our words onto something someone else can read and, maybe, impossibly, understand.
It's funny. We all think we are so different, that no one else feel's this way, but in a way we all feel the same. It's amazing when someone tries to describe their feelings and you can end their sentances for them. People are all alike, we think in the same ways, no matter how unusual we believe ourselves to be.
Thanks for the read, Hawk,
-Colin
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Colin, this is superb.
I'll have to come back to it, but my initial reaction is one of awe.
Hope you're well,
Nienna. -
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Thanks, Nenni,
I'm great, how's life treating you? Thanks for taking the time to read this rant.
Cheers,
-Colin
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Wow, Colin. This is fantastic. From what I know it sums things up so well. And so very well. I definatelely loved the beginning the most. I think my favorite part was:
I think I’ve won
But I
Backtrack back to you.
I try to leave
You’re on my mind.
The other part about being angry at yourself for thinking of someone who dosen't think about you is so well written. This poems sums up so much how I fell as well. But you did the right thing, Colin. This stuff is hard
GREAT job!
-S
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Hahah, thanks Mar. This is mostly just a rant I had. You know why, of course. Thanks for the read and glad ya liked it!
-Colin
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