I want a guy

I want a guy who doesn’t return my calls.
I want a guy born to lose.
Who disappears whenever my income falls
and leaves me alone and abused.

Oh babe, I want a lover like you
who treats me like an Auschwitz Jew.
Who says one thing and does another.
Who'se 40 and still lives with his mother.

I want a guy as big as a whale.
The last time he got weighed,
he broke the scale.
And still acts like he’s still in 7th grade.

I want a guy
Who dresses in mismatched clothes,
with stains on them,
and are full of holes.

I want a guy
with thinning hair,
a huge bald spot,
and skid marks on his underwear.

I want a guy
with Coke bottle glasses.
One look from his popped eye
scares off all the lasses.

I want a guy
too fat to wipe himself.
Who has overpriced Star Wars toys
on his dusty Wal-Mart bookshelf.

I want a guy
who won’t do a thing for me.
The biggest thrill of his life
is eating while watching TV.

I want a guy
Who’s a royal loser.
Who’s addicted to cheese
and is a laxative abuser.

I want a guy
ugly as Sin.
Who bumbles through life
and just can’t win.

I want a guy
no woman can thrill.
To celibacy is resigned,
and buys his clothes at Goodwill.

I want a guy
who ignores his appearance.
Who lives in a sty,
and is idiotically dense.

I want a guy
who sleeps 12 hours a day.
And who’s raging acne
never went away.

I want a guy
Who ain’t all that.
Who exists solely
on starches and fat.

I want a guy
without any common sense.
For his mamma he cries
and has uncontrollable flatulence.

I want a guy
Naïve as a baby.
Who when he pees
sits down like a lady.

I want a guy
who’s wardrobe is a joke.
Who has hacker’s cough
and doesn’t even smoke.

I want a guy
shaped like a kidney bean.
Who attracts flies
and has no self esteem.

I want a guy
Who’s face is one big red blotch.
and has paralyzing odor
emanating from his crotch.

I want a guy
coated in a skin of grease.
With cavities and missing teeth,
and is morbidly obese.

I want a guy
who’s high school nickname was
“Mayonnaise Monster.”
Who has body hair like
thick matted fur.

I want a guy
Who smells like full rubbish bins.
Who could house a whole condo
in one of his double chins.

I want a guy
with flaws for all the world to see.
I want a guy
who’s a pathetic loser,
just like me.