Abandoned above high tide’s furthest edge –
rake and barrow with load of kelp
stand silent in anticipation.
The sun reflects opaline
to match the fire in her eyes,
as does the pulsing inner ocean
the waves without.
And she -
standing there
with her breaking waters
upon the rocks,
a spindrift carpet at her feet,
while wind streams her hair
pennant taut –
briefly cries out her grief
obdurate
with encircling arms,
as hidden life increasing stirs.
She turns her back upon the tide,
ignores the barrow,
retraces steps to crofter’s door
and enters in
as the pains begin,
contractual.
Author notes
recently re-written and re-titled
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hm. While on the verge of having this amazing write, i think it's stuck on the edge of very good. All the parts are there, however i feel a stretch on the vocabulary that isn't necessary. The average reader will have to use a dictionary to discover a meaning, and in order to do that you must have established the audience that desires to dig deeper. While i'm not telling you to not push the individual to further their vocabulary, i believe there's a line.
Now i shall contradict myself in saying this, but without these lines, i don't believe the poem would be the same. It's a great write on the mother coming into her unexpected labor and stubbornly pushing it back as she returns back to the farm. A beautiful description. Keep on going!
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Gagiikwe - The beginning of this gives us a feeling of pause, "anticipation" of what we surmise is a work day but by the end of the poem the waiting turns out to be for something else, the woman's labor. The line endings in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 6th lines supply the opening with a good rhythmic/tonal base.
You might add an article at the beginning of the 2nd line.
Is it the sun that reflects opaline or opaline that reflects the sun?
"As the pulsing inner ocean
the waves without -" - This section cries out for a verb to complete the comparison between the birthing woman and the sea waters.
Lines 3 to 8 of the second stanza are sentence fragments so the connection is hazy/incomplete.
"On" instead of "upon" the tide.
"Contractual" - Is this an intended play on contract and contraction? Has she signed a contract to have a baby? I would just lose "contractual" and end it with "...pains begin."
There are good bones here, needs some fleshing out to clear up some meanings. Cheers, MJ -
hey
overall I thought it was a good write. I enjoyed the way you arranged the words, and the form/style is definately different than most poems read here. Which is a good thing, it was refreshing. But then again I haven't been on the site in a long time b/c my computer's been down. But I am back LoL! I liked the imagery that was there. You must be talking about a pig giving birth...am I correct?? b/c the only "barrow" that I know of is a castrated swine LoL "Crofter" to my knowledge means farmer...I don't really understand the kelp part...the only kelp I'm aware of is a type of seaweed. So some of it was a little confusing, Dave's definately correct that you challenge the reader. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing and hope to hear from ya again sometime soon.
TTYL
MM
language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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hey g
well you definetely have your own distinctive style where you challange reader. i got a few glimpses. maybe a comparison of the universiality (my own word) of water, the water in the womb, the water in the ocean. Poingent.
dave -
Sounds like a dog or a horse is in pain and pregnant,it paints a bleak picture,great imagery and language
rhet
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beautifully written, paints a picture in my head. great use of vocabulary overall, but.... obdurate. i don't know if it fits.
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