Today the light pierces icy
on the wooded clearing wedding,
incisive shadow prisms lain upon the snow,
crunchy and hard banked,
a bed waiting its people.
From mossy mud rooms
velvet tulip clusters come,
vivid and heavy gilded with spring,
her hands like milk cream on their blushing cheeks.
Ravened, long and curling wild,
his hair flies a flag from his stoic stance
as he tastes the wind
and swirling myriad omens assembled as witnesses,
greeting each nobly,
quick liquid eyes coming weary to rest
on her icy lace swath
rippling on the soft singing breeze.
In the mountain quiet
voices vibrate, hum, throbbing through
the crystalline valley below,
trees set to pulsing prayer,
her own face so suddenly illumined,
rapturous, divine,
a winter flower inert on the mother banks.
Like softly crumpled linen
their snowy exchange breathes, languid,
birthed finally upon the mountain side
with the child brooke hiding and surfacing
from the liquid ice at their blessed feet.
Tonight a holy fire will burn
will welcome and feed pagan darkness
his incessant smile a benediction
received with pellucid hands.
Author notes
I stole a folk song.
Check out "Prochula se Moma Nedelya" by The Trio Bulgarka on the record The Forest is Crying (if you can).
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hi Nienna - No, I'm not gonna rewrite it, but I do have some suggestions. This piece, in general, is a very tender mystical adventure and you have many original and appealingly inventive phrases here.
The 1st line seems isolate, with only a vague connection to what follows. You could incorporate it with the 2nd and 3rd lines somehow:
"Today the light pierces icily,
in the spotted wood clearing wedding,
incisive shadow prisms lain upon the snow."
A poem as densely packed as this really needs punctuation (this from a reformed non-punctuator) to help the reader pick their way through.
Would "tulip clusters" be opaque? In that bright sun seems like they would be translucent.
"curling wild" instead of "wild curling" or "wildly" for your rhythm.
"swirling
myriad omens assembled witnesses" - don't know whether it's lack of punctuation or syntax but don't get the sense of that.
I think you could find another adjective other than "far below" valley.
I would consider losing "taut and stretched" at the beginning of the last stanza because of the hard consonant sounds that don't seem to jibe with what follows.
"happy hands" in the last line is too much of a cliche, whereas the rest of the poem steers clear from that "dreaded territory of the worn word." Joyful, gleeful, delighted, and about 200 more. I get the impression that this was a partial steam-of-consciousness, dash it down effort. A large part of its appeal I think comes from that, but, it could use a rewrite. There are some sections, like the ones I pointed out, that could stand some trimming. You also have me intrigued as to which folk song?
Cheers, MJ -
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Hi, Mojo.
Thank you kindly for your (as always) apt and helpful suggestions. I've gone through and reworked the places you mentioned (as well as a few others) and added punctuation, hopefully cleaning it up. I changed "happy hands" to something I hope better conveys the intention and fits better. It was definitely stream of consciousness, so I hope it can be tightened up.
Nienna
PS The song is actually in Bulgarian; "Prochula se Moma Nedelja" as sung by the Trio Bulgarka on an album called The Forest is Crying. If you can find it I reccommend it wholeheartedly. I wake up singing it in the morning
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You are so good I feel I don't have the right to comment...
This is incredible. I loved
and he greets each
nobly
quick liquid eyes coming weary to rest
on her icy lace swath
rippling on the soft singing breeze.
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Thank you very much for your kind comment. Please don't EVER feel that you don't have the right to do so. By posting things here I'm in search of honesty in feedback, and hoping that perhaps I can inspire someone else. If something I write can give you an idea, or make you think differently about something, anything really, I'll have done my job.
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i just don't get how you do it.
today the light pierces icy
incisive shadow prisms lain upon the snow
you're incredible
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You're totally feeding my ego, so I should start ignoring you...but I think I might not If we're ever on the site at the same time we should really have a chat, though, because I'm pretty positive that there's nothing so very special about my writing, and it's easily perceived when correctly explained.
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