My Beautiful Toilet

The people said I was famous,
I guess they were right
They gossiped about me......

"He`s such a nice man,
I can`t believe it was really him
Have you see him on television?
I bet he`s a millionaire
Imagine the groupies he`s been shaggin`
He`s thinner than I thought
Did you hear him on the radio?
He`s a credit to this City, a real ambassador,
I hope he makes it to the very top"....

One time I heard this,

"He does a lot of work for charity you know"---

"Charity? Yea right!!!,
Did you see his photo in the paper?
He was judging a bloody beauty contest
He looked like a proper pervert
I bet he gave plenty of charity
to some bitch that night
hehehe!!!"

I remember that night,
my agent said it was for a good cause,
to raise funds for the Mayors Ball
He told me to judge it,

"Just tell them
who is the most beautiful,
It`s in your contract,
you must do these things for your sponsors,
it`ll be good publicity"..

There was no beauty there that night,
I told them I couldn`t pick a winner,
"They are equal,it`s a tie,
everyone wins" I said

"Choose one, choose one,
we need a winner
of the contest!!!"

So I chose a girl,
the one I though everyone disliked,
the wealthy arrogant bitchy one...
I held her hand up,

"Here`s our winner,
the most beautiful girl
in all of Ulster"

Then the cameras
kisses, hugs,
tears, screams,
jealousy, hatred,
revenge....THAT was beautiful

Another time,
I was sitting on a toilet
in my favorite bar
and a guy by the sink
started talking to his buddy,

"Who does he think he is,
do you see how he poses
just because he thinks he`s famous,
he`s a fuckin` dickhead,
i`m going to beat the shit out of him
then we`ll see him in the newspapers,
all smashed up, hehehe!!!"

I finished in there,
no shit to beat out
so I wiped and flushed
then I walked over to the sink

He turned a funny colour,
then he ran to the toilet
but I had to tell him
that I used up all the paper


The people don`t talk about me anyore,
I guess they`re right,
They gossip about others now,
sometimes I join in with them,
just for fun,
I tell them stories
about beauty contests and restrooms
but they don`t know me.....
they only ever thought they did