The Bath (prose)

My Girlfriend Julie thought she stank
when we finally got to our hotel room.

(I think we both stank from the journey
although it`s hard to know if you stink
unless someone tells you or you stand on dog poo
or you get baby vomit on your shirt
but it was just myself and Julie
in the car that day, which was lucky
because the back seats reeked of Julie`s cat
and any baby would`ve thrown up in there for sure
due to the heat and the long trip).

She sat on the bed in our room
and I noticed that her face gurned
when she sniffed her armpits.
She said,
"Holy shit!,I`m absolutely stinking of sweat,
draw me a bath after you make the coffees"
She looked a little worried,
I said,
"Julie, are you ok, you seem a little worried?",
She said,
"I am worried,
I`m worried we`ll be thrown out of Ireland
for fumigating the guests so hurry up
with my coffee and bath, go on,
don`t just stand there looking like a dope!"

I regularly looked like a dope
especially when I was smoking it
so I guess I WAS a dope now and then

I searched in my travelling bag
for my kettle in which to make the coffees

(I bring my own kettle now
due to the previous time we stayed in the hotel
and the kettle in our room
had been used as a urinal by the previous guests
who were there for a stag party in Dublin,
but at least we managed to get free accomodation
for the weekend as compensation)


I failed to find it in the bag
then I realised It was still in the car
so I ran downstairs
and I almost tripped over a vacuum cleaner
as three members of staff were cleaning, polishing
and spraying air freshener right on the spot
where Julie and I had stood to check in ten minutes prior
Their faces were gurning too!!,
I simply assumed they were in training
for the All Ireland Ladies Gurning Championships
although it soon dawned on me,
as I returned with the kettle to our hotel room
that Ireland hadn`t staged
an All Ireland Ladies Gurning Championships since 1990
when a mass brawl broke out
which was the result of an altercation
about an older ladies stolen false teeth
so I figured the hotel staff were gurning because we stank
which made me paranoid so I tried to enter our room
as quickly as possible but the door was locked
and I didn`t have my key
so I shouted to Julie to let me in
and I could just make out her reply,

She said,
"You took far too long, i`m already in the bath,
you`ll have to wait there `till i`m finished
which will be in about an hour!!!"

There was nothing for me to do,
my wallet was in my room
so a drink was out of the question,
I needed a cigarette and I was hungry and grouchy
I sat on the floor outside our room
with the old silver kettle on my lap
and the guests and the staff
walked straight passed me
and I thought about the homeless
and the poor
and at that moment
I was absolutely certain
that the homeless
and the poor
were the only people
on earth
that didn`t stink

After sitting for about fifteen minutes
my backside began to hurt
so I stood up to stretch my legs
and with them my brain
then I realised that reception
would have a master key
so I tracked down the porter
who opened the door
and I flumped on a chair
and for the first time in our relationship
I decided to extract revenge on Julie
so I stripped naked and walked into the bathroom
where Julie greeted me with a
"How the fuck did you get in here?"
then I lifted her out of the bath,
grabbed a towel and threw them both outside
so she could sit where I had sat
but I somehow doubted
that the staff or the guests
would ignore her
like they ignored me
because most men think
about their next shag
and most women
think men are perverts
but they had no idea
that all I wanted
was a clean pair of balls

Julie was soon let back in
as I heard the familiar sound of the door
closing from the inside so I lay in the bath
and I listened as she screamed her way
towards the bathroom door
then she began banging on it
with all her strength
using the old silver kettle
and I waited in fear and I wondered
what Jack Nicholson and Stanley Kubrick
would`ve thought about all this,
but the sun doesn`t shine on a head
that`s about to get cracked wide open...

I didn`t have the balls to stop her,
but at least they were clean.