I wish you could show me
The secret of you
What goes on behind the eyes
That swirl and wince
At the world around them.
More importantly
What goes on behind your heart and how can I
Get in there and find out
What you love and who you would
Die for, kill for, live for.
Would you ever do any of those things
For me?
I’m not asking you to
Die or
Kill
I’m just asking you to live
Live in your life that you have never explored.
I’d like to ask you to love with me,
To laugh because it is raining and rain fills your clothes and your hair
Your heart is full of rain,
Light, dancing rain
And you would dance with the rain, laughing with me.
I’d like to ask you to hold me
So close that I can feel the beating of your heart, the beating of your love
So close that I could find a way to
Dig myself a place to be inside it,
Like a worm with an apple.
If I could ever be person enough
To have you love me,
I would want all of these things
Just as hard as I do now.
What person am I to want them from you,
Who is everything I have ever known, ever hated, ever wanted?
If I could ever ask you anything
I want to ask
Why you do the stuff of your life,
The actions that make up you.
If I ever got the chance
I would ask, like I did,
For your name
Then walk away
Waiting for you to ask me a question
That you never did.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Hey, Colin
You have always been a bit of an enigma to me, as I always read with an ear to tone and your tone is often so varied. Sometimes you sound like an older man, some times like a young girl, sometimes like a young man, and I can never seem to pin down your voice as you seem to be literarily androgenous and it has always been puzzling to me almost as if more than one person is writing your work. I'm pretty impressed by that as peoples' tones usually scream who they are. But you, I can never tell. You're not terribly predictable and that's a good thing.
The poem is great and dead honest, more like spilling your guts and laying your feelings out on a table and that is admirable. But does this person know? I often see that theme repeated in your work and I always want to tell you to open your mouth as it always has the wallflower thing going on. When I was a young man and wanted something, I went out and got it(even though I wasn't super-smoooth), or at least did my damndest to get it. If I flopped(and I did), so what? The experience was always a learning experience and on the way I dated some very nice looking ladies that many thought way beyond me, AND ended up marrying one of them; just because I opened my mouth. Life is too short, bro. Ask the questions now, because you or they may be dead tomorrow. (but don't let that concern you).
I really enjoyed this write and the plain and accessible honesty in it as I really felt like I felt what you were feeling. But...I kept thinking that you need to give this to the person it is intended for and put yourself out there. It does come back eventually. Keep pluggin'.
al
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Hey Al,
Thanks for the read/comment. It's interesting what you say about my tone. I usually read poems as an insight into someones character, but I don't look at their tone much. I'll have to try it. As for you not being able to figure out my tone; either that's a lucky coincidence for me or it has something to do with the fact that I act a lot, slip into other peoples personalities.
Thank you for the advice, too. I know what you mean and I should go out and get things more. I'll try.
Cheers,
-Colin
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"I act a lot, slip into other peoples personalities"
exactly. Every time I read your work it comes across as someone reading for a character part. I can never get a fix on you, and I usually can figure a consistent personage to an author to the point that I can spot their writing despite the pen name. But you're always different and I've yet to find the common vein, or rather that the common vein is acting. Anyway, I've always found that intriguing as you go from a mature tone to a light tone, but there is always a great deal of insight that I garner from your writes. Anyway, I've always been a fan.
Cheers, Colin.
al
p.s. thanks for being receptive to my personal editorializing. I realize that not everyone wants life advice from me and heavens knows I could use some myself. But if your write makes me think something, I generally share it so that the writer can know what thought was instilled in me by the write. Thanks, Colin.
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Great job. You really manipulate your words well, as with all of your poems. My only "complaint" (or more like suggestion) is, maybe you might want to consider editing
"Why you do the stuff of your life,"
That description seems sorta out of place with the other "vivid" expressions... It just seems slightly uncaring, which is not the feeling I got from the rest of this poem.
Well done besides that though, I really love the ending.
Himmel -
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Thank you for the suggestion, and the comment. I'm glad you liked it.
-Colin
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Colin, my friend...This made me cry. I love this. It's so wistful and beautiful and sad and aching at the same time. This is definitely one of my favorites from you, but I love all your poems. The ending gives me an air of defeat... I'm out of words.
Keep writing,
Hawk
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Oh, Hawk. Thank you. I'm glad you like it, I don't know about this one.
Have a good day,
-Colin
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I like your poem. I've stayed up to late and am reading with my eyes half open.
I can't give you the best critical review.
A few lines can be expressed with less words. I would separate your poem and edit piece by piece making sure it captures your intent. The ending caught me off guard a bit which made me love it more. I thought it was going to be sort of a drifting on love piece. I didn't picture you exactly or the person speaking but I did experience emotions. Its a really good poem and a nice story. -
In my opinion, it has a bit too much "fluff" just kinda floating about. It's not bad, per se, because it isn't distracting, but it feels as if it makes the poem carry on a little bit longer than it should.
And that's my only real complaint. I like the subject, your ability to play with curiosity in just how you choose your wording, your exploration of what you haven't really explored yet. Very whimsical, very playful, and the ending twist was just the right spice to boil in.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 3.
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Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
It does have a lot of fluff and stuff in it, but I don't know. I like it a bit since I don't write like this too often. It's just kind of an experimentation.
Thanks!
-Colin
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