Where Could I Go?

I don’t want to die
this I know to be true
but…
I don’t want to hurt anymore
it’s been so long since I haven’t
that I don’t even remember what it feels like
to be free
free of pain
and suffering
free of burdens
and weight
free of everything
that hurts too bad to name
free of questions
of who and what and how
free of thoughts
of suicide and death
free of wishing
to be a normal teen
I’m tired
and I know
that the full extent of that
is hard for you
to understand
I want to close my eyes
I want to cause myself pain
just to be able to feel
something, anything at all
but then I fall into
that dangerous zone
where I don’t even CARE
at all
I’m cold
but I don’t warm myself
I’m bored
but I won’t get up
to get a book
I’m filthy
but I won’t be bothered
to get up and shower
I’m at school
but I won’t take notes
so I can pass the class
Instead
I write
so when I’m gone
so when you can no longer grab my hand
and pull me back
maybe
when someone else-
another teenage girl, perhaps
begins to write
of forever sleep
and ritual suicide
you can help her
you can grab her hand
and pull her back up
before she
becomes like me
and no longer even
wants
help
before she
descends
to the depths
I have reached
I barely care about school
I don’t care about me
I still care about others
enough that I do
eventually
get up
and go to school
so I don’t scare them
too badly
I go to work
so they don’t have to
scramble
to cover my shift
I do this
but I don’t want to
It’s hard
It’s exhausting
It’s…
It’s too much-
I just want to go to bed
I want to be normal
but I don’t know what that is
Happiness?
Contentment?
not scars?
or resentment?
Liking boys
instead of girls?
parties
with drugs and alcohol?
sneaking off
to smoke cigarettes?
getting out?
getting drunk?
getting high?
getting arrested?
getting…
where?
where do I go?
where do I end up?
‘cause I know where I’m headed
and I know where I’ve been
But where could I go?
could I go towards
happiness?
could I go towards
stability?
normality?
could I go towards
family
and friends?
babies
and kids?
where could I go?
could I go back to bed
where I really want to be?
could I go towards the razor
which I really used to love?
could I go towards Sara
and just be friends with Steven
‘cause I don’t think I have those choices
I do
but I don’t
They’re non-choices
Something
that seems like an option
but isn’t
Like choosing
the blade
instead of my family
I can’t do that
but it’s an idea to entertain
plus
I’m too tired
but I’ve explained that before-
how I would love
to feel the kiss of the blade
but I’m just
too exhausted
It’s getting worse-
I can tell you that
but no one believes me
They say-
“give the meds
time to work”
They must think
that it’s just a phase
but falling
it’s not a phase
it’s…
it’s an accident
that becomes a habit
and soon
you don’t want to get back up
it’s too hard
you’ve done it before
and you don’t want to again
you just want to lay there
until the earth swallows you whole
and you dissolve
into earthworm food
yum
and you’re gone
bye-bye, baby girl, bye-bye