We were fifteen, frocked in school cloth.
Meandering Route Trodez,
Having abandoned the bus.
Gushing with gossip, high spring in our steps.
Debutantes debating who we will we kiss.
Taking a breather, we suddenly spot
A field of daffodils, only half picked.
Bright yellow trumpets beckoning us closer.
These late bloomers not destined to rot,
we skipped amid furrows, snapped stem after stem.
Slimy sap swinging from elbows to toes.
The adopted daff mission, such consummate fun.
An upturned crate though messily stacked,
beautifully displayed the canary coronas.
We couldn't help grinning. No scintilla of guilt.
Our road sign erect, confident of sales,
pennies in pockets, we were chuffed with our trade.
Hoping the brilliant flowers had awakened our drivers.
even if only, a temporary break of haze.
Then a familiar green Renault slammed on its brakes.
What's our excuse? No time to sound sleek.
Glaring through the windscreen, my Mother
was seething, out of her skin, unable to speak.
Our mission accomplished, but costly,
we were grounded for weeks.
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Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi Karuna - This is a great spring romp, I can hear the high-pitched frolicsome voices of the schoolgirls on a lark and the glow of the daffodil field. You stumped me on "trodez" but I'm guessing it has something to do with walking. I think there are some things you can do to improve the rhythm.
"...who we will kiss?" - If you want this to be a question you need to change it to 'who will we kiss' - If you leave it the way it is, you need to lose the comma after 'debating' because as is it's a statement.
You have what looks like an accidental rhyme with 'stem' and 'hem'. Maybe change 'hem' to toe or something else. When the reader hits this rhyme they'll do a double-take and wonder about a rhyme scheme that doesn't exist.
In the 5th stanza, maybe change 'displaying' to 'displayed'
"hoping the brilliant flowers had awakened our drivers.
even if only, a temporary break of haze." This seems awkward, much less appealing than the rest of your lines.
Here's one alternate possibility:
Hoping our flowers would catch drivers' eyes
if only for a temporary break in the haze.
"...my Mother.
She was seething..." I would lose the period after 'Mother'
and 'She' in the next line so that the first two lines of that stanza become a full sentence.
The last line - the 'moral' of the tale, is just not needed. The poem says it much more gracefully and effectively.
I enjoyed this very much, very refreshing. Cheers, MJ
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Hi Mj,
Hi am happy you enjoyed the romp!
Thanks for taking the time to point out the improvements, they make a lot of sense and I have included them.
I have dropped the last line, and have thought about applyig this in other poems too as i think there may be a hangover going on of the essay formula, say what you are going to say , say it and then say what you just said.
I could see what you meant about the rhyme of hem and stem, I quite liked it but could see it was out of context. I think the elbows to toes reads ok now.
Route Trodez is the name of the road we were walking along, I wondered whether this detail is disturbing or whether its Ok. Again in other poems where there is a couple of these I feel I end up with something a bit inaccessible. What do you think about this as a general rule?
I am pondering the haze line as I want it to be in past tense,
Hoping our flowers had caught drivers' eyes
If only for a brief break in their haze
I think brief is crisper... mmm
I get a bit stuck onthis line too as it feels a bit cheeky and uncomfortable to assume they are in one but thats how it felt to us at the time!
Once again, I appreciate your detailed feedback.
Daffodils to You,
Karuna -
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Karuna - Yah, well that makes sense now. You asked about a general rule. I don't think there is one, but if it's a numbered route like Rt. 101, that's pretty universal. A more obscure name of a road can cause a hitch in a reader's attention. In this I would think a slight description would do it, like gravel, dirt,four lane, quiet, well-traveled etc. which is more like showing than telling with a specific name. Cheers, MJ
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Beautiful
This is really great, the imagery, the language, the rhyme. Well composed.
Kudos
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Thanks Carly, I am happy you enjoyed it
Shalom
Karuna
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I feel spring and summer jump through the screen when i read this,the imagery is beautiful and i get a real sense of playfulness caused by the surrounding beauty like two white parakeets with yellow breasts flying through a flock of crows but theres a thunderstorm in the air...tough teen payment indeed naughty one...
i`ve read a few of your poems,
i think you are exceptional
thanks karuna
rhet
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Aww..Thanks for your feedback Rhet, you had me smiling ! I will go fly with the parakeets and when I land come and read some of your poems!
Your acknowledgement is very encouraging and greatly appreciated.
Many thanks,
Karen
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