Judicious Jibes
jacking up precarious
personalities
Pointed projections
showering suffocating
dirty derision
Attacking antics
Attempting avoidance of
propietary
Slippery, slimy
Elvers escaping from the
Shadow-eaves of self
Ignorance missing
opportunities to muse
on lifes speculum
Leaving misfortunes
Inanely bobbing on seas
of separateness
Fidgety fears of
getting caught in filaments'
faulty filtration
Frenzied fishing for
eternal freedon from
fallacious follies
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Comments
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wow.
It's so nice i feel that i honestly have nothing to say other than how much i truly enjoyed it,.. and i didn't want to not say anything lol,.. i think you did an awesome job
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Hi Karuna!
This was a bountiful clutch of allitterative aphorisms! Several of these would fit the same 5-7-5 syllable count as a haiku or senryu. It might be a lark to see what they look like if you form them thus. Sometimes the meaning can be subtlely altered. hmmm...
Pointed projections
Proclaiming pity spreading
Scorn and derision
Slippery, slimy
Elvers escaping from the
Shadow-eaves of self
I altered the last line here to fit the syllable count but also for the homophone: shadow-weaves.
Fidgety fears of
Getting caught in filaments´
Faulty filtration.
Thats a tonguetwister, Karuna!
Anyway I think maybe the haiky/senryu form gives the lines more power and more selfcontainment. What you reckon?
Regards
gG
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Hi gG,
Thanks for taking the time to make your suggestions here, I trust your tongue is not still caught in the net!
I think you hit it when you said this was a clutch of alliterative aphorisms! I think there must be another way to get the message across in a more coherent form.
Looking at it I can see a disonnected cathartic rant, just a grabbed opportunity to word play when I was mad.
I liked your idea of tightening up the lines into the Senryu/Haiku. As you know I am a beginner to even considering this! A big Thank you to your direction with this. I have changed some words and tried to follow the 5-7-5 form. What do you think of the result? I still think it needs more work. I can feel the anger and the angst, but maybe a little of this lost in the even rhytmn ?
Twinflowers to You,
K
P.s.that one is for release form judgement especially of self!!!
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