The Fear Lives On

The uneasiness has been battling her stomach,
It’s been conquering her since last night.
She knows the pangs of panic will only worsen
Until the moment she’s so goddamn afraid of.

Her mom wakes her with a gentle, caring rub
And she jumps in terror at the hand on her back.
She knows today is the day she’s been fearing.
A year feels like yesterday, she thinks.

When her eyes narrow from their alert shape,
And her muscles unwind from the dread,
Her bare feet against the cold floor startle her again.
It takes countless deep breaths to regain composure.

She stares out the window to keep in control
As the car whooshes by bridges and buildings,
But the closer they get to their destination,
The more she feels she’s losing herself in terror.

She’s completely gone by the time she steps inside;
Her mind is somewhere else entirely now.
She’s retreated to sustain her seemingly calm state.
It’s important that her parents think she’s brave in this.

The waiting room is small and cramped.
The office walls seem to be closing in on her.
The cold gel against her belly makes her yelp,
But the worst part is still steadily approaching.

Another waiting room,
Another long period of anxious anticipation.
Some kid is playing with the magnetic maze toy.
She normally uses it to stay sane but now she can’t.

The over-sized hospital gown drapes over her shoulder.
The vulnerability of her naked body beneath it sinks in.
She lies with legs open wide on the table.
Soon it will all be over, she knows.

Her mind is in the room with her now
And she can no longer hide her emotions.
She cries and screams with all her might,
Closing her legs tight so no one can touch.

Relentless doctors pry her legs back open.
She begs them not to touch her down there.
The pain spreads as she loses all control.
Her worthless tears count for nothing.

It’s over now and she’s sitting scared in the corner,
Playing with a cheap yo-yo they gave her as a prize,
Wearing a sticker they thought would cheer her up,
But nothing will ever undo the damage.

Yet another waiting room.
She draws a picture for her doctor.
She thinks that if he likes it he’ll spare her the pain next year.
But she accidentally spells his name wrong.

Her heart unravels from extreme fright.
Years have come and gone by now.
The procedures are long over with,
But in her mind they live on.