Each crumbling,
brick building
seems to lean and
stretch across
the jagged sidewalk.
Their windows whisper
secrets back and forth
during the dark hours of
rising morning.
Shadows spill onto
fragmented pavement,
manifested by the
incandescent,
watchful moon.
The night is humid and
as I amble from
shaded alleyway to
dank street,
distant voices hover
in my ears.
They cascade from
cracked windows and
bar doors held ajar,
saturating the
concrete with
groggy laughter.
Headlights peel the
darkness from my eyes and
streetlamps flicker
halfway down the
lively block.
I continue on
in the direction
of the neon blue sign
stuck on the inside of
Kwik Shop's front window.
I don't know why
I love being in the
city at night.
The streets are slowly
drained of their color.
The crickets chirp me
a lullaby and it hangs
in the thick air.
The hollow darkness is
comforting as it
wraps around me like a
cloak,
engulfing me in the precious,
thriving energy of
city life.
Author notes
- Inspred by S.c.m.'s This City. >> http://sharepoetry.com/poem/51264 I tried to take a Rhet/Dave Ochs/Saltaire kind of approach to this.
I was relatively proud of this piece... but it turns out I was overconfident. -
How can I improve this?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This as with many of your other pieces seems to distract me with the shortness of your lines. May I suggest the following (just read it and you'll see it reads differently):
Each crumbling brick building
seems to lean and stretch
across the jagged sidewalk.
Their windows whisper
secrets back and forth
during the dark hours of morning.
Shadows spill onto fragmented pavement,
manifested by an incandescent watchful moon.
The night is humid and as I amble
from shaded alleyway to dank street,
distant voices hover in my ears.
They cascade from
cracked windows and bar doors held ajar,
saturating the concrete with groggy laughter.
Headlights peel darkness from my eyes
and streetlamps flicker down the lively block.
I continue on in the direction
of a neon blue sign
stuck on the inside
of Kwik Shop's front window.
I don't know why
I love being in the city at night.
The streets are slowly drained
of their color. The crickets
chirp me a lullaby and it hangs
in the thick air.
The hollow darkness is
comforting as it wraps
around me like a cloak,
engulfing me in the precious,
thriving energy of
city life.
---
Aside from the line breaks it seems as if you have a few different ideas flowing together inside this poem. The solitude of the night and the clamor of the city life--though I do love many of your images I feel the ending does not suite your piece like it should. It seems either contrived or just abrupt. I hope my comments have been a little useful but take them with a grain of salt.
And by the way thanks for the add on flickr, I saw your face on a comment and I said to myself, "Hey, I know that face!"
Cheers and happy writings,
Josh -
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Short lines is my style. It's not for everyone though. I know it reads 'better' with longer lines, but I prefer shorter, impactful lines. Thanks for your comment.
You're welcome for the add.
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I really like the imagery you used in this peice. you made me feel as if I were walking through the city at night, which is something i love to do.
My favorate lines:
"I don't know why
I love being in the
city at night.
The streets are slowly
drained of their color.
The crickets chirp me
a lullaby and it hangs
in the thick air."
Good job.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thank You S.c.m. I'm glad you liked it. I focus in the imagery and word choice in my writing more than anything else... Thanks again for the comment.
Krista
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I think that this piece worked out well for you. I have to say that you picked three very talented writer's to follow along with, and that itself is an important choice. I may suggest doing some reading by a cat called Swagger. If yu like Rhet's writing, you should love Swag. Anywho, good stuff, keep writing. I liked it.
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Thanks Chomsky. I've read Swagger before, and his writing is pretty good. Haven't read him in a while though.
Thanks again for the comment!
Krista
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I love the imagery~
"The crickets chirp me
a lullaby and it hangs
in the thick air.
"
^favorite excerpt.
Nice juxtaposition! -
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Thank you so much!
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Impressive regardless of your age.
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Thanks!
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I enjoyed this as well...pretty impressive considering your age.
Very expressive. Good cchoice of words. Good Job!
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Thank you so much!
Krista
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Fantastic..you are insightful beyond your years. I'm a bit nocturnal myself, s I really enjoyed this.
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Thank you very much!
Krista
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I especialy like the line, "Shadows spill onto fragmented pavement, manifested by the incandescent, watchful moon." Probably because i have a slight obsession with the moon as a symbol lol. i also like the way it flows so easily while read. each thought melds into the next.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 3.
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Thank you, very much.
I also like that line!
Krista
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Love the atmophere and visuals of this. Made me feel like I was walking down the street. Liked these lines: Their windows whisper
secrets back and forth
during the dark hours of
rising morning.
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Thank You, Saltaire. I hoped it would get at least one good review...
Express.ions
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