I fought until every bone was bruised
but they were only amused
every one wanting to accuse
I fought to breathe
for the lung has been abused
with screams and cries
my body waits to be rescued.
I don't want to be here
broken, bleeding and confused
forgotten, snuffing death.
they think i'm their god
i'm accused of the misuse of there lifes,
'cause i'm their father!
each of them infused with hatred
points at a figure they refuse to name,
i'm old and used but still I'll fight.
I didn't do it! I didn't live your lifes!
If it turned out maggorty then blame yourselfs!.
What do you really think?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Needs a lot more effort
sorry...once agian but this pecie needs efforts upon it. It is really nice to read the peice, but it is very-very confusing. hope u understand. And there is a lot repetation of the words which is spoiling the rhythm and the originality of the poetry.
Moreoever, the rhyming done here is neither too great nor natural. See hwen someone try to rhyme the lines forceably, they actually unknowingly just spoil there true pure and beautiful original intentions and bases. This is because in order to rhyme the sentences they forget the meaning what they want to control.
I don't want that you feel that I am being rude to you and neither I want to disappoint you, I am telling you about the rhymes because I have suffered derailment in my poetry because of this.language: 2, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 1, form: 4.
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No, I do not think you rude, rather as someone interested in my getting better. I see your points clearly and I agree. I know that in my next work, all considerations will be taken.
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ohh! yeah!@
this poem rocks my mind!
i enjoy reading it! and i love it!...... -
Needs work
First rule: always check the spelling, and unless you are writing something like Jabberwocky, make sure you use real words. Next, you shouldn't be forcing rhymes, then abandoning rhyming.
The subject could provide a much better poem. Keep working on it; just because it's not perfect doesn't mean you can't make it great if you stay on it.language: 1, rhythm: 1, subject: 4, tone: 2, form: 1.
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OUSTANDING
You are the man. This one is just great. I liked it, God work. I wrote something similar, perhaps you should read it: http://sharepoetry.com/poem/show/3883language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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thanks
I appreciate your taking out time to read the poem, I read yours too and I think it's really good. Cheers!
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B
A bit confusing, but once I sorted it out, I understood. I'd enjoy it more if you used proper capitalization--like, capitalize all the i'ms, I'd have to give it a B+. Also, the rhythem is a bit awkward, there's rhythem at the beggining, but then it fades.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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you're right.
thank's for pointing that out.glad you understood it.
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Interesting Title
Interesting. The language sways at times but that is okay. Just read over it again to strengthen that. I thought that the title was a high point. All the best. Tony.language: 3, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 2.
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thanks!
i'll see to the language, thanks for the review.
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