How painful it is to think you're loved
And with this love forever you'll survive
But your feelings tell you that you're not
The one thing wanted never got
How shameful it is to feel you're fooled
After thinking on your heart he ruled
And be a chapter in an old book
That no one even gives at it a look
How hateful it is to feel abused
Thinking he's the one and only yours
Then regret the day that you met
Cursing the dreams about him you had
Why everything turns out to be the other way?
Your feelings and thoughts have different things to say
You think and feel everything's okay at the start
But then all you get is a broken heart
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What do you think?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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I think that you do present your case clearly. I also think you can tighten it up a bit. You seem to be torn between rhyming and not rhyming. While I would agree that when rhyme is not falling naturally, it is better to forgo it, but your rhyme in this piece is consistent enough to interupt the flow of the piece when it is missing. You might consider playing with it a bit and perhaps leaving off the rhyme while simply improving rhythym.
You have a good strong thought here that people can relate to, but in places it reads a bit awkward. I think it is only a matter of having too many filler words here and there. For instance in the line
The only thing you ever wanted you never got
You might try
The one thing wanted never got.
You might even consider changing got to gotten and again forgoing rhyme.
I think this is a nice straightforward piece that has a lot of potential to be a very strong statement that can really strike a chord with the reader.. Rewarded 1
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Thanks!
hey there...i really appriciate your comment and i think you're right about the rhyming thing...i wrote this at the exact time when i was in that exact situation so i just wrote what i was feeling...by "The only thing you ever wanted you never got" i mean that the only thing that iwanted and i thought igot it...i didnt..maybe if i change it to "The one thing wanted never got" is better...thanks anyway i realy appriciate it
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WOW
this is one of the best poems i have ever read thanks for putting this on the site -
GOOD JOB
ONCE AGAIN I LIKE YOUR WORK, THIS ONE ALSO COULD USE SOME WORK WITH THE CHOICE OF RHYMING WORDS. BUT I LOVE THE EMOTION I CAN FEEL IN YOUR WORK. CHECK OUT SOME OF MY POETRY, YOU'LL FIND WE HAVE SIMILAR STYLES AND TOPICS.. Rewarded 4
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Well done!
I guess getting a broken heart is something that happens to a lot of people and they all can connect to the feelings expressed here..a mixture of remorse, anger..hurt..your poem is a strong, straight and honest expression indeed.
It flows well and in places where you break the rhyming pattern, you can perhaps play with the same words you've used and make it rhyme well without sacrificing the meaning.
I'd like to make some suggestions..
line 8, That no one even gives 'at it' a look, you can drop 'at it' to read
That no one even gives a look
lines 11 and 12; you can perhaps play with the words and make met and regret rhyme.
Perhaps something like,
Then curse the day that you met,
And each dream you had, you regret.
The last paragraph can be perhaps played with to read more consistently,
line 13; Why 'does' everything turn out to be the other way
line 15; You find everything beautiful at the start
well, those are just suggestions, its after all your poem and best as you like it! In anycase i enjoyed this wrok..well done!
. Rewarded 4
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hey Farah
10x for ur comment and ur time and i appriciate ur suggestions when i have the time ill think about revise it 10x again and im glade u enjoyed it
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A true & Stunning write !
Hye,
Mam, I'm really in short of words to describe this poem's beauty. It's very a alluring piece, that has the power to keep the reader interested in it from beginning to end. It potrays very well the mixed emotions of grief, anger and pain. Anyone can easily understand this sweet, simple and lovely write.
Keep writting and keep smiling!
LOVED IT!
Take care,
Tanya. Rewarded 4
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HEY THERE 10X FOR UR REVIEW I REALLY APPRICIATE IT AND GLADE U IKED THE POEM ..10X AGAIN
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Oh Love! Curses!
I like this poem... a lot. You have an amazing way of sticking to a topic and expressing so much feeling without getting lost in the subject matter or emotions.
I am reminded of all the "love" from "the ones" that weren't. At least you got a great poem from it! Keep it up!. Rewarded 4
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10X FOR UR REVIEW I APPRICIATE IT AND IM GLADE U LIKED MY POEM..10X AGAIN
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shows emotion
I loved this poem. You show alot of emotion in it. I know there are many people who can relate to this piece. Great job with this one.. Rewarded 4
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thank you a lot i appriciate ur comment and ur time
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this is good
it is really good...i am delighted....very strong emotions....glad i read it...
keep delighting us.. Rewarded 4
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thanks 4 ur time & comment i really appriciate it
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this is good
it is really good...i am delighted....very strong emotions....glad i read it...
keep delighting us.. Rewarded 1
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I have often wondered...
How this happens. Are some people really that good at hiding their insincerity? Or do we fool ourselves into ignoring the obvious. Having been on the recieving end of what you describe here I identify. You do it justice in simple fashion, plainly and clearly. Very succinctly put and straight shooting. Simple but effective. O', that we could put our love lives so clearly. Nice work. There were however, some oddities in lines 3, 7, and 11. Other than these, well done.. Rewarded 4
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Love it
This poem really makes you think about what you've been through in your own life. It brings back feelings, and emotions that have since passed. It's good to look back and know that you've finally made it passed those horrible feelings.
Wonder poem
. Rewarded 4
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thank you very much for ur comment and ur time i really appricate it and inm glade u liked it
ill make sure to review someof ur poems later on
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awwwwwwwwwwww
It sounds cute in a painful and annoying to the soul kind of way!
I loved it flow and the images it brings. I wouls hate to be somone who just broke-up or worse, just got dumped! O.O thank god, I am not in that position!. Rewarded 4
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THANKS FOR UR COMMENT IM GLADE U LIKED IT AND I APPRICIATE UR TIME GIVEN FOR REVIEWING MY POEM
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Good one
nice rhyming pattern - as you have always done - this is a wonderful peice - amazing - as far as the question in the end goes - and your notes speak - i thinkit is you who loved .... so it is you who will have the pain too - thats the price of loving somebody. Selflessly ...... my opinion
Take care
Keep Writing
Always
Traveler. Rewarded 4
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hey there friend i wanna thank u and appriciate for the time uve given to review my poem and im glade u liked it...
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its not true
heart break is not a bomb though it seems to be . differnces came because of egos not because of mismatch. love can bring opposite poles together. my poetry says that . this poem is good for its evry thing but the message. for me love happens naturally and it cant end . when we ends it ourself it is just destruction of our ownself.may be it is contradicting but i have a always deep sense for life and love and i never consider break ups in life.. Rewarded 4
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again and again
i wanna thank u ..i cant believe u took the time to review a few poems of mine...i mean THANK YOU but i never thought someone (the same person) would review more than 1 or 2 poems of mine...im very glade u liked them and i appriciate ur words ..give so much encouragement...10x a lot
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So true
I can so relate.
Forget what ANYONE says.
When you're REALLY REALLY in love it consumes you, and you throw in all your trust and everything you believe in.
When someone destroys it, you lose everything, and sometimes you never find it again. -
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10x a lot for ur comment i appriciate it and im glade u liked it ill make sure to review some of ur poems very soon
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So so
you can improve on your similes
can be more expressive -
nice one
hey this poem is good....i liked lines 8 and 9 where you have used a comparison to a chapter in an old book...that was very nice....on the whole it is really good
. Rewarded 4
Violet Moodswing
February 23, 2006