Indistinguishable
Let me see you tonight.
Say you’ll dress for the occasion.
Savoring the minutes before the mirror
- like foreplay.
Let me think about you tonight.
Promise me - and feel the anticipation
Rise in yourself –
And in me.
Let me watch you tonight.
Bask in the promise of my scrutinization.
Let me supervise - as you
Undo it all.
Let me be your prisoner tonight.
Wrap me in the chains of my infatuation -
Tease me with them-
Cruelly.
Let me meet the other you tonight.
Thrill me with the spectacle of her transformation
Reveal her secrets -
I won`t tell.
Let me be you tonight.
Abandon self - embrace our integration
The joy of primal reunification
The diving and swimming
The rising and brimming
Mixing and mingling-
Melt svelte limbs
till they blend -
the end in sight
- sight -
and
Senses surrendering
Tingling –
Unbearable
Beautifully bursting
heart and soul,
body and mind,
our very beings-
Indistinguishable!
Is it erotic?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Getting there
Somehow, up until line 33 who could ask for more?
Should 34 burst out with laughter? Lose it, lose 36 also--like who else? Keep 37. Less is more sometimes.
Line 20 is not needed either.
A clinical view, of course.
I can't believe I did this.
Terry. Rewarded 4
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As you wish !
You wrecked my brilliant intellectual excercise to suggest the final word and title ! And , of course , you were quite right! I`ve installed your updates ( plus a few of my own - house of cards etc.)I like it better - hope you do too - or at least find less excruciating ! Thanks for suffering and for the input Terry !
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Much better.
Hey Windhover,
So glad you got rid of the "T" word. I could never see that term going over well with a woman. But that's just me. I agree with the comment on changing "bursting". It just seems to effect an abrupt change in feeling from erotic to burlesque. Maybe the word "capitulating". Just a suggestion.
Al -
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Can't say I don't listen!
Being a husband of many years has taught me that keeping my ears (and mind) open can be the difference between dinner on the table and a lock on the bedroom door!Very glad you looked me up again - I owe you one Man !
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plumeister is right about the lady and the tramp phrase u had in there. but i thought the poem was really baout ur outlook of the whole situation...
something that u played over in your mind...
like a lil fantasy so i figured it would fit nicely in their...
it really doesnt affect the whole tone it adds to it...
and the part about bursting, sounds primal and isnt that the way most men are at that point....?
anyway thats how i see it...
the poem does flow better and it picks up faster now...
. Rewarded 4
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The power of subtlety is sadly underrated. Soon achieved here, where a strong current flows almost hidden under a mirrored surface. Because it does not hit the reader over the head with a sledgehammer and drag her away by her hair it is far more effective for a variety of reasons. Like a deep river where the beauty of flawless reflections hides all manner of wild turbulence, the whole becomes a discovery, with its own excitement and integrity. The quality is in its involvement of the reader, a reader without preconceptions and defenses.
Of course, some might not "get it." Something has not been reached in them, in a society that blares out sex in advertising because sex "sells."
There is a glut of stuff on the internet for them to "get."
I quickly saw that to be selfish, shallow, and boring...In my opinion, of course, and too close to porn. It is not my world and I get disgusted easily.
And no, far from a prude or worse, just on a different level. I do not apologize for my standards. 48 years of monogamy is a pretty good guage. As a result years ago I had my filters set for twelve-year-olds on both my computers.
Saves a lot of wasted time.
The first version was so blatant it is a seven-star wonder I read it past the first four lines. Went on, not to read but to scan--it did have more than enough merit for that, the potential for something great. A bit surprised I, replied.
I cannot ask you to change it, but if it were mine, there would be no meaning lost if remaining two of those blinkling words vanished.
Line 5 (really 4) that f-y word almost clicked me out. Really. That is what the whole poem is, and readers do not need to be told the obvious.
Line 15 is temporary. Someone else next month. Infatuation is as far from love as self-gratification is from what I gather later, this was intended to be.
Lines 18 to 21 are far better than it was.
Lines 24 and 25 can be combined into one to drop the c-word. It couldn't be more redundant!
Socio-psychological reviews are not the norm on AP or on SP either.
Pro bono, no fee demanded.
Terry. Rewarded 1
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Much Appreciated
Terry , the amount of work and time you have devoted to a poem I know irked you for many reasons is testimony to your goodness and professionalism.Your failure to glean a fee for these services suggests to me that like most decent men (Irish term of endearment) you are probably poor and likely to remain so ! I am endeavouring to find a way to reward you in the currency of the site without presuming to critique my teacher.In the meantime I have revised the offending poem yet again. I apologise that I could not adopt ALL the changes you suggested , believing that total sanitization of the piece is not desirable. It is already a very different thing to that which first appeared , better I'm sure . The excercise has been highly enjoyable , educational and stimulating ( intellectually!), mainly thanks to you . My thanks and best regards . W. -
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Fates conspire
I was about to send when the phone rang, and on return, the message had vanished. Just as well.
This will be shorter. ha!
It was not the poem that irked; a fine poem but for a few spoilers in it. Graciously you dealt with them. Thank you. 90% of the time I would have been blasted out of the water, make that 95. Who dares attack a chef d'oeuvre?
The fee was a FEEble joke. No need. I have been amply rewarded by being treated with respect.
Being poor? A state of mind. Rich in Family who take wonderful care of me. I live on wheels now, you see, in chronic pain. At least the mind still works. Part of a continuum rich in memories and future dreams, rich in friends and warm days.
If you recall I said I did not expect you to change ALL--it is yours after all. Your latest is best yet. Sanitation? Hardly! How could you possibly when each reader brings own experience into it? Mop and broom? Anyhow it has been a pleasure.
Terry
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ya it is erotic
good can do better always.
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HEY I READ THIS OVER AS YOU CAN SEE...
did you make any changes in the last two stanzas?
because i read it over and it seems that you chnged somethings.
the flow ... it flows like the way oil would on a glassy surface... smoothe..
nice job!!!. Rewarded 4
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erotic but bears much class!
You're not posting a new poem so i'm going over your old ones. I like the sound of this and the subtlety it brings. I like lines 22 to the end....and the title is very good!
LYNNE. Rewarded 1
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I blush!
Thanks for the kind words and the compliment of visiting my archives Lynne ! Might have known YOU'd find THIS one ! ha ha ! Looking back I find fault with it but I don't think sex gets enough of an airing here at SP gererally so I'm glad I at least gave it a go. It's such an obvious subject for poetry . Mavbe we're all too shy or too private . Maybe that's how it should be. Thanks for saying it 'bore class' but then again don't they say it's got to be dirty to be good ? Just something I heard of course ! Still waiting to see your poem about spanking , Sensoredthoughts ! My Best >W< -
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Oh dear...
forgot about that one (poem on spanking)..i better work on it...ASAP! don't wanna be disappointing my teacher! LOL!
Well yeah, sometimes, it's gotta be dirty to be good, but this time, it's not too dirty! (except for "Let me supervise you - undo it all") HAHAHA
And Of course I'll find this one! Me and my ScrutinizingThoughts...lol (I better stop with this changing the meaning of "S" in my pen name, or i'll end up with one I really don't like. haha)
c ya WH,
S
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March 17, 2006