|
you have no wand but you cast a spell on me you use no blindfold but I can see nothing when you are near. you stop the clocks and time itself put me in a box and saw me in half - then laugh still I feel nothing but complete in your arms a slave to your charms. you deal the cards and I always lose still I chose to be in your act In fact I think you’re the only show in town I’ll be your clown if you’ll be my witch just keep working your magic. nightly. |
Comments?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
-
at least you kept your half of the deal...lol
8-10 sounds kinda maniacal...
you flow is good.
your use of imagery is ample.
you have the magic aspect down to a T.
i think you should have used the fourth stanza lines 11-14 as your closing stanza..
i jus felt like it rounded it of more..
but besides its a good write, the topic was hard to work with so u get extra points jus for that.
as usual good work..
Thumbs up!!
. Rewarded 1
-
-
Magic K.! Thanks !
In case you didn`t notice I've found out what those little stars below the critics name are for ! If you're wondering why I haven`t been too generous with them - you shouldn't be ! lol !Also can't agree with lines 11-14 for a finale even if I moved the maniacal lines before them which they foil rather nicely I thought ! lol ! But then you know how smug I can be - or at least you're learning fast ;-)! Thanks for the comment K. - nice to see you're back 'in town'.Hope you're better and the exams are going ok . The world awaits that next poem of yours - then you can slag off MY comment ! (-: xx W.
-
-
pretty slick
witty and well composed and i knew exactly what your talking about. reminds of the song by bill withers. "keep on using me...until you use me up.
dave ochs. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thanks Dave
Nice to see your name on a comment ! How've you been? Of all the poems on my site this is probably one of the ones I'd least have liked you to review. It was 'made to order' sort of for a competition . Always wanted to know if you liked 'Hum-V' or not ( honesty please ) especially since you inspired it . 'The Oyster' or 'Dust' wouldn't take much of your time. Hell, if you dont ask...! Thanks for this comment anyway and keep up the good work. My Best . W.
-
-
I quite liked it up to line 10. In my opinion the rest of the poem could benefit from a bit of trimming.
I would suggest a different way of expressing lines 11-14 - maybe you could use an image here or just simply different words. I don't see why should switch from first to third person at the end of the poem. The poem loses a bit of impact. How about something like this...
You deal the cards
and I always lose.
But I don't care.
I’ll be your clown
if you be my witch--
just keep working
your magic.
Nightly.
Very nice passionate feelings you express here. Lovely.
Maria
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Yes and No
Hi Maria . I took your point about the 3rd person thing and accordingly installed your changes . Thanks ! Don't see anything wrong with the lines about being complete in the arms of someone who cuts you in half though . Actually I was quite smug about that ! So - a little give and take - but I'm only giving your review 3 stars ! lol ! Thanks a million !
-
-
lost in Someone?
Nice and neat. Felt you fall to deep. You lost yourself in finding someone else. Found the story in your choice of words. Contained a nice groove, too. I enjoyed it and it held my attention. Nice.. Rewarded 4
April 20, 2006