(1)(old version-free verse)
I’ll keep myself to myself.
You don’t want it .
This 'self' ,it seems,is not enough.
Or too much perhaps.
So I’ll keep it under wraps.
I’ll rebuild the wall you tore down when we met.
Make a brick of each day I stay away from the phone.
Build a tower from each hour spent alone.
Though perhaps I should better dig a hole
And put my soul in it.
Something more bomb-proof against the day
We meet again.
(2)(new version - rhyming)
I’ll keep myself to this self she doesn’t want
too little or too much for her perhaps.
I’ll stay away fom her although she thinks I can’t
and keep my yearning under wraps.
I’ll stand tall again
build a wall again
make bricks of each day that I don’t phone
build a tower from the hours spent alone
without her
though perhaps I should better
dig a hole
and put my soul in it.
Something more bomb-proof
than a tower
against the hour
of our next meeting.
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Comments?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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windover
this may sound like a cop-out but i liked both these pieces a lot, and both versions viewed together seemed to make them better, so i say its not a matter of either or.
the impressionist Claude Monet used to paint a subject (haystacks)in all different light (dusk, dawn, summer, winter etc,) so it'd be interesting to write say 20 poems on a single subject.
dave. Rewarded 4
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Good cop-out / bad cop-out !
Either way it's flattering and thanks a lot ! I kind of like both myself now - but I have a tendency towards narcissism anyway ! Congratulations on the Spotlight thing - you really deserved it. I read 'Hum-V' at my fist open mic last night and really got a buzz from it. I'd really like to know what you think of it - no matter how negative . Yes , I am leaning on you ! Thanks for the comment - now I can tell everyone I've got a celebrity on my site ! (lol) -
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windover
sorry i didn't thank you for spotlighting the role of the poet, much apprciated. Oddly i haven't got many comments on it. i think people may resent the spotlighted poem, like their poem should be spotlighted so their like i'm not reading that.
i'm glad hum-v got a buzz, i think one of the greatest joys of being a poet is a good audience response. and you can really tell. anyway i will check it out. how bout another version of bricks.
dave
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Dave, I liked Monet's waterlilies too, in all kinds of weather, in all times of day. (Perhaps he was disabled and that was as far as he could go?) I agree, repetition with changes is great therapy, tweaking all meaning possible.
--and great to see you in the place of honour!
Long my you reign!
Terry
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better
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better with rhyme
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I like both, differently
The first one suffers, and may even have an element of self-pity in it, certainly justified no doubt, but there is much pain up front in it; and for a reader it's a heartbreaker to respond to unrelieved grief.
How different the second is! It is not only in the form or the rhymes, sterile perfection like that. This is so different from uninspired rhyme others do for the sake of having that matching word at the end of every line. Here we have new strength, the defiance of the rhymes has removed any hint of whining--a word used by people who do not understand, or have not yet known what it is to hurt. A lot.
The strength that comes from acceptance first of all, of things that cannot change, immediately removes any pining for "what might have been." It moves on, leaves it behind. The metaphors: bricks, walls, towers of defiance were there in the first version too, but it is in the choice of rhymes and their placement, strangely like the vertebrae of a strong back, that its determination shows invincibility without having to tell of it.
The humour in the final seven lines has replaced what felt like resignation in the first version. Nothing can beat a person who can laugh at misfortune, because then it has lost its sting.
The two, now taken as a whole, demonstrates the healing power of words. Venting helps relieve what would otherwise debilitate, and a different point of view provides the distance that was needed.
See what a couple of courses in psychology can do for clarity? I am so glad I took a second look.
How about for line 15,
I’ll keep myself to this self she doesn’t want
I’ll keep to myself this self she doesn’t want
Terry. Rewarded 4
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Unmerited praise - but thanks Terry !
As always your comment is considered , thorough and immenselely entertaining . I feel your goodwill has read a little more into the rewrite than it deserves though you are not totally wide of the mark with your intuitions . I thank you , warmly and sincerely , for your support , poetic and moral . However , I expect to see a firmer and more impartial hand on your next commentary ! lol . Give this boy some stick - he needs it !
Oh, yes and thanks for the suggestion - it's more than right and adds to the poem . I adopted it immediately.
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this is incredible
the old version really struck me. im not sure how to describe it, but i had a gut reaction to it. i was expecting the second to suffer, but you shamed me for entertaining the notion. im typically partial to solid free verse in these situations, but i cant chose here. they both have so much to offer.. Rewarded 4
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Appreciated .
Thanks a million for this positive and encouraging review . I'm flattered and gratified that you liked it , particularly having seen the great quality of your own work. I only scored the review 3 stars though , as it didn't tell me much about WHY you liked either or which you preferred. Reading your own work , I see a lot of strong rhyme ( I like rhyme when it's well used ) so I wonder a little about you saying you prefer free verse. These are just the things I'd ask if we we were in an ACTUAL forum and not a virtual one . I really hope to see more comment from you on my site. For my part , I intend to keep an eye on yours ! Thanks again! W. -
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i prefer free verse because i have a hard time keeping control of it when i attempt it (i go on a prose tangent). i have tremedndous respect for those who do it well. As for the WHY:
"Make a brick of each day I stay away from the phone.
Build a tower from each hour spent alone."
The previous lines drew me in and were common to both, and I'm not entirley sure what else. I judge poetry on gut reactions, and this stirred something up in me.
Thank you so much for the generous words toward my own work. they were greatly appreciated.
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very gud ....but i suppose da suffering musnt hv been gud 4 u !
I reely think this iz awsome...gr8 work....it seems u did reely luv sumone ....ya....first i thought it ws written by a gurl...but no by a guy .....i now understand guys feel...too...thankz for making me discover diz underlayed truth ...i had sumwhere lost trust in guys ...but now it seems dere r sum dere sum sinsible once out dere ..nn i jus need to open my eyes n read....
Wishin u luck...
~shreya~agarwal. Rewarded 4
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Thank you Shreya
.. of course we men have feelings too - we just hide them better. Actually I think women are the REAL tough guys - in more ways than one ! Glad you liked this and thanks for the comment.
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i m so srry i meant da suffering wud have been bad 4 u !
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these are both very good
both of these poems are very good. i find myself leaning towards the rhyming version however. i find that it suggests that you love the person that you talk about in this poem but they just laugh at your love. they think you cant stay away, but you think you can. this is strong and powerful but the beggining of the ryming poem is a little weak. but all in all thsi is very very good
-Colin Night. Rewarded 4
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these are both very good
both of these poems are very good. i find myself leaning towards the rhyming version however. i find that it suggests that you love the person that you talk about in this poem but they just laugh at your love. they think you cant stay away, but you think you can. this is strong and powerful but the beggining of the ryming poem is a little weak. but all in all thsi is very very good
-Colin Night. Rewarded 1
May 11, 2006