It's late
I sat back
With my feet propped up
fighting sleep
when the call comes in
"Car accident coming
and it's Pretty bad
They'll be here in 10"
A call I have had
a hundred times before
I put on my lab coat and gloves
A protective barrier for the patients
and myself.
But more importantly
I put on my protective barrier
for what I have inside
A skin as tough a leather
A heart covered in steel
Somehow
over the years
I have learned
to hide my emotions
deep inside
Like a Pandora's Box
I hope will never open
In the ER
we laugh
and make light jokes
as we prepare for what's to come
Like lightening
the doors fly open
and patients are rushed inside
The jokes end
as the adrenaline begins
Time to do what we do
people's lives are on the line
Like a fox
I swiftly move
from room to room
Doctors
Nurses
EMTs
And more
All were flying fast
Work as usual
as we fight to fix
that which had been done
Until I enter
a quiet room
Even as nurses
rush in and out
a stillness is here
A little boy
He lay quietly
with glazed eyes
fighting sleep
"Talk to me little boy
Try not to close
your little eyes"
In a soft voice
his questions came
How is my dad?
"Okay, He's with the doctor now"
How is my brother? They say he has a broken leg
"He's in X-ray. You will see him soon"
My Grandma, have you seen her?
"Yes, and she will be in the bed next to you"
Then the room went silent
A cold chill fills my body
as he looked me in the eyes
for the first time
An Angel's face with Deep Blue Eyes
Deep Blue Eyes that piecred
my skin
and penetrated
my armored heart
A flood of sadness
filled my soul
as the words
came from his lips
How is my mother
I couldn't explain
this emotion
taking over me
as I began to stutter
"I-I d-d-don't know"
Why was I feeling this way
What was in that boys eyes
that touched me so
I left the room
shaking
There a nurse was standing
Quietly I asked
"The Mother?"
She lowered her head
"D-O-A"
Without a word
I finish that
which was expected of me
Before running to a bathroom
and locking myself
inside
The Pandora's Box I so feared
was opened
as I fell to my knees
My tears
shatter on the cold
unforgiving floor
Oh Why God
Why
Why did you take
his mother away
Oh Why God
Why
Why did you give him
Deep Blue Eyes
Please let me know what you think?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Classic
This is one of those poems that will be high school literature a few years from now.
It's poignant and real. The words caught my mind and heart and drew them along, like a poem is supposed to. My emotion built with yours, my thoughts followed yours, and I choked on your tears at the end. I don't recall a single distraction except,
I stumbled over one spot. Lines 31 and 32 are in the past tense, while the rest of the poem is in present. Change to "The doors fly open/And the patients are rushed inside"?
Thanks so much for this reading.
--Alisia. Rewarded 4
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Alisia
Thank you so much for your critique. You are exactly right on the past tense, that slipped right by me. Thanks so much! I apperciate your time and help!
Josh
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Good
I really liked reading this poem and the choice of words you used was really effective. -
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Kerry
Thank you so much. I'm glad you like this piece.
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Great Potential.
This is refreshingly different and has a great story-telling quality as well as vivid imagery. Its main fault is that it rambles a lot and needs serious pruning. But it is a rich motherlode and there is gold here. May I be so bold as to suggest you should have stopped at line 77 'Where is my mother ? ' . It would have had great dramatic effect. Put what's left on a serious diet and see how that looks. No flowers , embellishment or rhyme required. You're at your best when you're as direct as possible . Leave a little more to the reader's imagination.And I agree with Alesia about mixing your tenses - very distracting and unprofessional. But this is WELL worth refining. Good job.. Rewarded 4
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Thanks
Windhover,
Thank you so much for all your suggestions! I am learning so much from this site and the wonderful people on it. Though, I am still kicking myself for missing the changing of tenses. I shouldn't have missed something so obvious.
I also really like the idea of stopping at line 77. I agree it would have an incredible dramatic effect. From an artistic and more powerful angle, I am really considering doing it. Still from a personal angle, it would be hard to let the rest of the piece go. Seeing as this was an actual event in my life, and it was very therapeutic to tell it in this manner.
I will be working on this piece more and more (Trying to Cut the fat without loosing the story) until it is as close to perfect as possible.
Thanks again,
Josh
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I'm back
Hello again,
I wanted to visit this piece again, and upon re-reading it with a more critical eye, I noticed some more mixed tenses. The following lines contain past tense that doesn't fit the present-tense voice of the story: 2, 44, 47, 54, 61, 65, 67, 70-77, 78, 81, 83-91, 94, 98-100
There are quite a few, but since most of them come in groups, I didn't notice before. I'm sorry I overlooked.
Oh, and did you leave it off on purpose, or does "How is my mother" need a question mark?
I also agree with previous critiquers that there is some pruning that might be done, but since I was so moved, and also couldn't offer any specific suggestions for change, I didn't mention it before. You know best what can be cut away and what can stay to more clearly speak what you want. About the ending, Perhaps if you can't remove the whole ending, maybe just parts, like the conversation with the nurse, could be removed. Keep working on it. It's masterpiece material.
Alisia. Rewarded 4
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Hi Alisia
I don’t think the site likes when I try to edit. Although I have yet to decide what I would cut, if anything at all, I have tried a few times to change the past tenses. Each time it goes right back to the original. I guess I will continue to rewrite this piece until I feel it is perfect and completely repost it later. Thanks again for all your help and your encouraging words!
Josh
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It's been a pleasure.
This shared a piece of life and a piece of you quite clearly and moved me deeply. Thank you.
Al -
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Al
Thank you so much! I am really excited that you enjoyed this piece.
Take care and have a Great day,
Josh
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Hey nice piece.......
Was a nice read...........
Keep writing...... and......... keep well!!!
Take care!!!!!!. Rewarded 4
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Thank you!
I really appreciate you comment. Thank you for taking the time to read this piece.
Have a Great day,
Josh
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made me cry
This is really beautiful, the reason behind your feelings are your little boy... You were thankful it wasn't him...... Our sub concious does weird things sometimes.... I always feel these poems that just flow onto the paper are always the best...........
Keep writing and never be afraid of caring..........
Hugs Linda. Rewarded 4
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Thank you so much!
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. It was a difficult one to write, but once I started, the words kept flowing. It brings things into perspective. Life is so short and precious. We should cherish all the blessings we have while we can.
Thank for your kind and encouraging words.
Take care and have a Great day,
Josh
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From the valley,
This was truely a sad peice, but written in a very beautiful way. I am reading through tears for those deep, blue eyes of torment. I do not wish to imagine your much dreaded position, but feel the emotions forced upon me with every word you offer. Your sorrow is powerfully felt. This peice is so deep, I am reading it "from the valley". May God bless you, yours and those deep, blue eyes.. Rewarded 4
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WOW
This is the most beautifully poetic comment I have ever gotten. It is very touching to read how this piece affected you. Such comments are the fuel that keeps my passion to write burning.
This was one of the most dramatic and influential events in my life - not to mention the lives of the little boy and his family. It brought everything into perspective for me - Why I'm in the field I'm in and just how short and precious life is.
I hope your days are blessed and you remember just how precious life is.
Thank you,
Josh
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makin' me cry....
This peice is so sad, I actually had to wipe away some tears. Thats rare for me in peices.
I can't say I'm envious of your job...though I can say your a very brave person
The way you wrote this peice is amazingly effective.
I'm not sure why, but the....how should I descirbe it.....choppiness? was very effective for some unknown reason, wonderful job!
Thank you so much for sharin'!
Aileen C. Kendall
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you so much!
You comments warm my heart. I never think of myself as brave, I just feel the call to be in this job. But thank you for saying so.
I did try to break up the poem in that way. I was trying to symbolize the constant, sometimes confusing, changes of emotions in that type of situations. I can never call myself an artist, but it was an "artistic" attempt for me. I'm glad it worked.
Thank you again for taking the time to read this piece. It means a lot.
Take care,
Josh
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great
josh,your poem is marvellous.truely !
just reminded me of one story...name of the author i forgot(weak memory).the story goes like this.......
one day a gentleman was reading newspaper.suddenly a car
came and stopped nearby,from the car three kids and one man came out.they sat in just the next bench(it was a park)of that gentleman.after a while he heard some noises
made by the children.as the time passes by the noises getting bigger.that irked the gentleman.and he was astonished why the other man is not controlling the children?getting frustrated he asked angreely "hello why dont you ask your
stupid kids to shut up" the other man said nothing for a while..after he said "i am sorry, i ve just buried their mom who has met with an accident one week ago and died today,i dont know what to do,neither they!
just felt like sharing with you.
great poem.
keep delighting us.. Rewarded 4
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Thank you
What an amazing story! Thank you for sharing it!
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. It was one of the most powerful and emotional experiences in my life. I was hoping to show that power and emotion in this piece.
Thank you again and take care my friend,
Josh
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Good
very...very long, but very good. -
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Yeah...it is long...LOL
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on this piece. It means alot.
Take care,
Josh
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A very nice write!!!
Think.... there is no power left to think. Emotions, like a haze, rise to the top-most level of my entity and cloud the thinking-machine we call brain. The brain stops analysing, perceiving and analysig.... it goes back into time.... time long forgotten. More than a decade back. When I watched an ambulance speed away into the night, with not even the slightest hint of pain on my face.... Each one of your 111 lines remind me of that night. That terrible, ominous night. I cant clear those clouds of emotions right now, but all I can say is that you have written a wonderful poem. And you are a wonderful person as well. I just hope you keep writing.....
Pratyush. Rewarded 4
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Paradox
Wow!
What a beautiful, touching comment. Thank you so much!
This means a lot to me.
Take care and have a Great day,
Josh
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A gr8 night is needed!!
I would prefer to have great night right now.... the clock says its 11 in the night here
. And I am really thankful to you man. Last night u did hit up the emotional side of me...and you know the consequence of that?? I was able to write a really good poem. I am really grateful to you for that. Keep writing josh.
Pratyush
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Raw
It might appear a long write as some others have mentioned, yet it assaults the reader with a flood of disjointed nervous imagery. Variance of tense doesn`t in my humble opinion matter so much. When Pandora s Box is wrenched open by a deep blue eyed experience raw panic overtakes clinical detachment.I liked the even structural spread aswell. Rewarded 4
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Unbelievable
To leave someone speechless can make it hard to write a review. There are no words to capture how my heart went cold. I'm so sorry you experienced this, not to mention the child. I've rarely read such genuinely inspired work. Extremely unique style. Fantastic.. Rewarded 4
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awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
i love it! well, who wouldnt? Most of the time people dont like reading long poems, but anyone reading this wouldn't even notice it going on. I wasn't even pay attention as I scrawled along with the poem. it was truly wonderful.
Ashley. Rewarded 4
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That is magnificant. very touching.
keep it up.
cheers
here and there -
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i am truly amazed and mostly touched... this is a very beautidul, touching, sad piece... there's no more words to tell...(Y) keep it up. Rewarded 4
May 11, 2006