He’d noticed her immediately.
And from that moment there might have been no-one else there.
Was it her cropped blonde hair?
Maybe what she was wearing.
But he found himself staring at her.
Was she looking back?
Women have that knack - to look and not get caught-
or let you catch them if you dare
and make you wonder if you really ought
to venture there.
And so it went – the furtive glances
in a crowded room where circumstances
conspired against the bold and taking chances.
Foolish courage with the Devil dances.
Was it imagination that beguiled him?
Or some sacred shared desire that rose inside them -
a precious seed to save that might live on?
He looked around again – and she was gone.
Comments?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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JUS T A THOUGHT.
He’d noticed her immediately.
from that moment there might have been no-one else.
Her cropped blonde hair?
Maybe what she was wearing.
But he found himself staring.
Was she looking back?
Women you know,have that knack
- to look and not get caught.
Or
let them catch you if they dare
And make you wonder IF you really should have ventured.
And so it went – the furtive glances
In a crowded room where circumstances
Conspired against the bold and taking chances.
Foolish courage with the Devil dances.
Was it imagination that beguiled him?
Or some sacred shared desire that rose inside them?
A precious seed to save that might live on?
He looked around again – and she was gone.
. Rewarded 4
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The tables turn...
..and Ketura raps my knuckles for rhyming too much! LOL ! This is the fastest critique I ever got ! But I'm afraid in this case I'm going to stick with the rhyme , simply coz that's how this one popped up . Its more an excercise than an expression. Nice to see your handle on this site as always ! My Best . W.
P.S. You didn't say if you liked it or not !
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I
really enjoyed this. I completely agree with keeping the rhyme. It's not distracting in any way whatsoever, and though it lacks a personal feel (you said yourself it was more of an exercise) the precision and the form should be respected.. Rewarded 4
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iove it
first i must say thank you for your awesome coments on my poetry, and i assure you that they are mine. but i have to say that this is an exelent poem i love lines 7 - 10. prolly because its so true i can never tell when aa woman is looking at me and i always get caught but that is just me. any way you said you want to hear more about me though im well i'm down but your gonna have to tell me how cause i'm not sure what you mean i've only been a member for like 3 days thank you o and i have a new poem. thank you again. Rewarded 1
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ok here it goes....
i find this piece lacks to a great extent the personality and feel that most of your pieces have.
the first stanza is sort of haphazrd lacks form. ihope it doesn't sound as though i don't like it but i jus think that the first stanza needs work. the second stanza is perfect carried out windhover style.
its smoothe captures the esscence of the whole scene that you created.
but generally i'm not too satisfied with first stanza.
i'm sorry but its that damn standard you set.lol.
i hope your not offended by my commnents,you know its just love..lol
. Rewarded 4
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You're getting very tough!
Okay - I know you're being gentle with me - but you still broke my heart ! lol. You usually find me out when my own heart isn't in a poem (your particular antennae !) but I can't be bearing my soul ALL the time ! lol .
That said , I feel ( numbed though I am ! ) you're being a bit hard on me here . We can't ALL simply discard our propensities to rhyme with the ease of the enigmatic Ketura ! And I was quite smug about my little internal rhymes and even the full ones - until you burst my bubble - and broke my heart!
You know if I thought I could change it and make it better , I would do it for my favourite haiku ! But I think this one's gone as far as I can take it .Give it another chance - maybe try reading it out loud to hear the rhythms and the rhymes. Please ! You wouldn't want my blood on your hands - would you ? lol.
Thanks for the review - great to hear from you as always ! -
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it was not my intention to ' break your heart' although i know that your only teasing but it does get to you at times when you're in love with a piece and no one else seems to see what you see in it, you know what i'm talking about right?
it wasn't my intention either to sobotage it but i know you would rather me be honest and let you have it than jus give you a copy and pasted, well used review.lol
i read it over and did get the rhymes but i'm still not too settled with the first stanza.
and don't say that is as far as it can go cuz i have a fair idea of the lengths you can carry this piece.
anyway, i'll chat with you soon.
bye sweetie.
take care and keep penning.lol
p.s. still have intentions of reviewing 'joan of arc'
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Nice
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Nice
I like this the suspnce the effect very captivating great nice and good shcking .this always asks what is would happen but at the end nothing.Written like he saw death pass his front.. Rewarded 4
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Nice
I like this the suspnce the effect very captivating great nice and good shcking .this always asks what is would happen but at the end nothing.Written like he saw death pass his front.. Rewarded 1
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Thank You lumzzie!
Glad you liked it ! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my poem.
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I love the way in which the beginning and end of the poem could be within a few seconds but there is so much depth in the moment he saw her. It was easy to read in terms of beat although I think the 10th line could do with at least an extra syllable, maybe line 9 at wonder and put the rest in line 10, but it's not huge and if read in right way I think line 10 could stretch out enough anyway. You have a talented way of being able to pad out a poem, I usually rush too much and don't expand enough. Really enjoyed this.
. Rewarded 1
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Most gratified - thank you !
I greatly appreciate your considered and detailed critique. I don't usually like form that is too rigid or trying to keep a beat going.In fact I deliberately sabotage them to keep the poem 'free' and , hopefully , keep the reader's attention. Beat and rhyme can be dreadful tyrants and soon demand the poem marches to THEIR drum and not the other way round . On the other hand, some people find these 'sabotages' distracting or even annoying in themselves . Its a hard line to draw but like most people , I usually end up suiting myself . Hope it didn't spoil the read for you and thanks again for the kind words . I also apolgise for the lack of a reward - this poem has has more reviews in the first day than any I can remember.Something about the title maybe ! Please submit your review again and have the 4 points it was my intention you should . -
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Oh no it's ok, I don't care about points
Well that line wasn't so bad with beat but sometimes I think a line can really stick on the tongue and be uncomfortable to read.
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Picturique
You capture the beguiling glance between two complete strangers perfectly. And the climax, where he thinks she may be watching himt too. Perfect, and then the disappointing end. Blue balls all around.lol.
write on!
-blackbirdhunter. Rewarded 4
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hi
dont know what to say...to bad to lose the girl
kip up the good poem you've done -
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Just a poem !
..not a personal loss ! But glad you liked it and thanks for the support !
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Neat
very well presented...the image comes right before the mind's eye...
the use of language and form is good..........
keep writing.... Rewarded 4
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Thank You !
..for reading , commenting and encouraging - all are much appreciated. W.
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Encapsulates a few sensual moments.
Your poem does a number of things. Focuses clearly on a few moments in time. Shows the unspoken interest (desire) between two strangers. Encapsulates the entire event in a sensual, short poem.
Thank you. this works very well on lots of levels for me.. Rewarded 4
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Thank you eosmia !
Your comment is very flattering and I'm glad this one worked so well for you .Nice that you thought it was sensuous - hadn't really considered it that way myself - but in hindsight..maybe ! Thanks again . W.
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well done
This poem was well done. I have to agree with eosmia that it is good in that it "encapsulates a few sensual moments." I could almost smell the smoke in the bar and see the girl across the crowded room casting glances at the narrator. It also points out some true-to-life realities such as how "women have that knack." It's true :-)
Well, I wish I could give you some suggestions, like constructive criticism, but I can't think of anything, this poem is pretty much finished and was well done. One thing I can think of is it might be better to improve the "flow." However, I don't exactly know what in specific I mean about that, its just that perhaps it could have "flowed" a bit better. I wish I could be more specific, but I can't put my finger on it. Good luck on future endeavors!. Rewarded 4
May 15, 2006