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A Bird Of Prey

The shadow of wings
    passes silently, deadly
-      over the earth.
She soars, circling the skies,
An expression absolute in concentration.
A unity of wind and feathers
-      and sensuality.
In an instant the scream,
-      the strike,
The precipitous plunge
-      talons spread,
Precision beyond escape.
Triumphant she tows
-      her quarry heavenward
-      to devour at leisure.
But the craving for sustenance
-        will return,
And forced by need
-        she will again ascend the heights.
Be wary, you, secluded on the far barstool,
You, cradling the gin and tonic
-      with lime twist,
The shadow of her wings
-      has touched your shoulder.
She has designated you
-      her next victim.

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Reviews


  • Windhover silver member
    May 30, 2006
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    HAD to check this one out ! (lol ..

    ..see acconmpanying inlay image for details!) Okay , first of all what's with the asterisks ? It looks like swear words bleeped out or some sort of miscarriage-of-punctuation committed by the computer.If it's deliberate (and I'm sure it isn't) it's totally distracting to no good end.
    I hoped this was going to be more than a eulogy to my kind (!)and you didn't disappoint. It's a great idea and the form , pace and language are all more than fine.
    However , having read it once or twice I feel the tone of it lacks something. I've decided that 'something' is menace. I feel you have concentrated too much on eulogising the bird and not looked hard enough at it from the prey's point of view. It is , after all , addressed to the prey and not the bird.
    Lines 12 and 13 epitomize this problem . The frightening thing about the bird ( and alcoholism o/s ) is surely the randomness of the strike . The prey is not 'mesmerized' by the attack . On the contrary , it is its total unawareness of its impending certain doom that makes for your best material here. A few changes to shift the focus to the hapless prey , contrasting it to the deadliness of the predator would have set it up better for the final 'strike' .
    As I said , I love the idea but feel it doesn't fully work - yet !
    Particularly liked

    The shadow of wings
    2*    *passes silently, deadly
    3* * *over the earth

    and

    The shadow of her wings
    24* *has touched your shoulder

    Good write.

    . Rewarded 4

    • eosmia
      May 31, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks that was helpful.

      Took your ideas and did a little reworking.


      • Windhover silver member
        May 31, 2006
        Edit | Reply

        Gratified - thank you !

        Just realized ( re - reading my OWN comment ! ) that 'the shadow of her wings ' is used twice. It's far too strong to repeat I think. Maybe 'that shadow' for the later line?

        • eosmia
          June 1, 2006
          Edit | Reply

          A choice

          I chose to repeat the exact phrase because I wanted the reader to experience the exact comparison of my friend picking up men in a bar and the way the bird swoops on her prey. In each case the shadow touch triggers  the choice  that has been made.
          thanks so much for looking at it again. E.


          • Windhover silver member
            June 2, 2006
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            Ahh ... soo !

            This explains the focus on the bird and not the victim ! And makes the subject even MORE intriguing.Of course there's always going to be what a writer writes and what a reader picks up on.But I don't think we're being told enough here to pick up on this ( fascinating) slant. I'm thinking could you work out some way of portraying this exotic predator as an ultimate victim ? The fate of the prey is fairly obvious and I thought you were writing about addiction. I DIDN`T suspect for a moment that the bird itself was an addict.It has even more potential than I thought. I'd love to see you work it a bit more . Hope that doesn't sound like I don't like it as it is ! I do.


  • sanity
    May 31, 2006
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    nicely written

    This is a very good piece, I love the tome of it, the language used in some of the lines could maybe be tightened up.. Redunancy of words such as the, it, has etc.. somehow slow the pace or distract from the reading of a piece... all in all a lovely read..,. thanks for sharing

    hugs Linda

    . Rewarded 4


  • LittleCrimsonJester
    June 2, 2006
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    Amazing

    Thsi poem is a true work of bueaty I love it. The way you form the lines is bueatiful. It feels forceful, and strong like the bird you speak of. My only problem is line 15 I think you should and a her so it flows better. Other then that I think it is perfect. a bueatiful work of art.

    . Rewarded 4