don’t say its over- tell me that you’ll stay
though what I ask of you cannot be right
let this love live to fight another day
reconsider – please – I beg you – stay
don’t let last night be just that- our last night
don’t say its over- tell me that you’ll stay
consider please the cost of our affray
which I would end as soon as e’er I might
let this love live to fight another day.
for though it’s wrong I can’t drive it away
though dark, it burns so wonderfully bright
don’t say its over- tell me that you’ll stay
hear me as I plead and hope and pray
against all hope that your hard heart just might
let this love live to fight another day
for love forbidden still must have its say
it doesn’t care what’s wrong or what is right
don’t say its over- tell me that you’ll stay
let this love live to fight another day.
Comments?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Well, ummmm
I'm not into villanelles and the like but I got the distinct impression (forgive me ) of the little kid who always got his way if he continued and continued and continued and continued and continued and continued and continued and wore the parent down, always, eventually. The other impression was about attempting to do gardening with a fog of blackflies desperate to get their blood meal... and drive me indoors wiping the blood from any exposed area, burning still.
Hardly the target response.
Oh well. It is late and the pillow calls.
Terry
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Hardly an objective critique , Terry ! lol :-)
Let me say straightaway that I read your comment with the same smile on my face I'm wearing now ! What an emotional response! Not a word about the form , the meter (?), the language OR the punctuation! Presumably they're all perfect then ? So you're 'not into' villanelles then ? I doubt if I am either actually but it was an excercise at a workshop and I decided to apply myself as best I could. It seemed to me the strict repetitive format demanded just this sort of 'pleading' , nagging , wont-give-up sort of content.Now I believe I'm entitled to draw on what experience I have to make the work 'work'- don't you? This took me AGES - and I'm really quite upset about your lack of consideration for it ! (LOL) I've done a bit of a re-write on it . I reckon if you can handle 'Indistinguishable' you might 'face' this one one more time , applying your more analytical eye perhaps ? Your other concerns are unfounded , I assure you! Thanks for the comment , the concern and the smile ! W. -
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Objective was expected? Oops...
Don't I get points for honesty?
" I read your comment with the same smile on my face I'm wearing now !" you said. Proves you are a friend. (Enemies would have shot me.)
Really I should never critique at the end of an exhausting day, gripped by seventeen sources of discomfort. After sending, in the three seconds prior to sleep, I hoped I hadn't blown it entirely. Too la. . . . . . .
It was the form that bugged me. The effect, reminiscent of black flies, was a result. We are at the height of the bf season just now, and yesterday a chap who was found wearing shorts had to be hospitalized after being lost in the bush only for a few hours. Tiny but mighty, each bite burns.
It was the form, not the poem.
Emotional? I guess. I would never have survived my own four kids if they all used that,("Let me know when you're finished,") or the hundreds of other-people's kids over 35 years. That said, I have to rate it A++ for effectiveness, impossible to ignore. Response does however depend on the reader's experience.
"Not a word about the meter (?)" Hey, it was only a comment for no points. If you insist, though I'm a tad short of time. Lines 5 and 10 have an extra foot. lines 1, 2 perfect iambic pentameters, 3 and 4 started with trochees but end with iambs. It is definitely rhythmic but I can't quite decide which. "the language" rhymed easily.
"OR the punctuation!" Not much to say. Some internal commas as it should, and a lot of hyphens used as dashes. When I submitted an article for publication, I discovered that a dash was -- which in print join to become a dash. What else? "Presumably they're all perfect then ?" For zero points you expect a lot.
The medium is the message, Marshall McLuhan said, and here too,the medium dominates. Will that do? Sheeh!
Terry
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oh wow,windhover, i didnt see this side of you before, lol!
this is cute ( sorry for this review, hehe), but i can somehow relate this to some old love songs in the lines of "you and me against the world" lol....but of course, its just the hopeless romantic me.
"reconsider-please-i beg you-stay" .... awwwwww!
still a good write. you know im a fan!
best regards,
Lynne. Rewarded 4
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Come begging
As there is a lot of begging for th person to let the love live, I feel this might not be forwarded to a lover, but reading the line 'for love forbidden must still have it's say' I would differ from my first thought... I would say this is from a mistress to her lover, she has obviously told him she wants more and he doesn't.... Great write...
I have written a few villanelle's and they are hard to do.. It takes skill and judgement to get the repeated line to weld properly with the rest of the piece giving it a smooth ride
Well done
Hugs Linda. Rewarded 4
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Maybe I could make it a country song !
This is an excercise in a format called 'Villanelle'. 19 lines , 2 repeating in alternation every 3lines with the 2 made into a couplet at the end of the last ( 4 line )stanza/segment. Go figure ! No wonder it sounds 'unusual' ! If you liked it at all it's a miracle! -
Aw , come on teach!....
..give me a break ! (LOL) Since you know how hard this ^^^t is I think you could have come up with the marks on the form and rhythm at least ! It's got all the beats and it sticks to the rules - even bends them a little running line 14 into line 15 ! I felt SO smug about this ! (LOL) Anyway I'm getting you back by only awarding your comment 4 stars and if I had a smiley sticking its tongue out you'd be getting one! Thanks for reading it and commenting ! -
there you go, 24 out of 25, not a perfect score cause I always think there is room for improvement..... I honestly would have given you more.. I was a little distracted when I wrote the comment so if you like new forms, heres one to try, theres no meter involved, but you always seem to end up with it http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1215232
hugs Linda
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As a play with a form, this is fine. The rhyme is all quite standard ("affray" felt like it was squeezing into a shape it wasn't quite fitting), but english isn't suited to italian forms precisely because there aren't as many rhymes in english (contrast english and italian sonnet forms for example). In Italian you can get away with have a quarter of the linds end in one sounds, but in english that means that we all resort to ay, ing, on, etc.
The subject is apt to the form (if whiney), if this was sent to me by an ex I'd start killing and tell them to let go of my leg, but... that's angsty relationships all over isn't it.
Not a lovely poem, or a beautiful and thoughtful poem, but a fair poem none the less, effective in it's characterisation and in it's exploitation of a form very not suited to english.
Oh, rhythm! There's rhythm! All okay, uh... strained in places... the "This" on line 3 for example. Um, this is a good first step (as you admit). Once you get used to writing to forms you can start to play with them, so keep goin.. Rewarded 1
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Agreed !
I reckon the form was devised for whiners! Italians you say - well there ye go! As I remarked to DeeCrepit ,writing to such a demanding form is more like filling in the crossword than self-expression ! I don't think I'll be dallying too long with this medium. I am gratified that I chose a suitable message to squeeze into the straitjacket of it's demands but it's more cerebral than emotional - and that's not poetry in my book.Thanks for the critique .How come you know all this stuff? you're only 17 ! -
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Reading? Hehe
Par example, I was reading an essay on the evolution of the sonnet, and it was discussing how english writers altered the sonnet form to make it more appropriate to english as it was unsuited to the very regimented rhyme schemes.
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Love it...
I think this poem it would be a nice song...it has musical manneers, it has a geat sense of rhyme and tone
I think i gretly writen and lovely expressed.
It was a pleasure to read it.
That is why you re one of my favourites... Rewarded 4
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Thank You Ludmila
I'm very flattered . Yes , the strict form and repeition does suggest a song . Iorek tells me the Italians invented this form (villanelle) and you can see how their musical language would fit in . It reads a bit 'whiney' but I felt it almost had to if it was going to work. Maybe Michael Bolton will pick it up ! Thanks again . W.
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June 4, 2006