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Thoughts On... #2


Who paces slowly, meditatively on the 
-      floor above?
What  shadow children clamber up the steps,
Then with muted giggles 
-       bump-bumps down?
Beyond my door the empty house - alive
While in this withered-papered room time       
-       drones through each pain-filled hour.

The gloom shrouds my tormented legs
Unable to sleep, to move, I listen.
Mother mouse scurries nest ways in the     
-       crumbling plaster.   
Nestled somewhere in the darkness,
My ancient puppy’s labored breath grasps                   
-       the air within her basket .
The faucet dully drips
-      as each clock ticking second
-      sends the hours into slow motion.
While through the night, in whispering 
-     attic dust
Someone paces until dawn.

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Reviews


  • Razi Yusuf
    June 10, 2006
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    sworn these windows to keep me up till dawn

    I wonder if you wrote this haunting piece after reading "April." I say this because both poems end with dawn. And both poems have complaints from noise from outer sources during night. In this poem the source is #2 in "April" the source is neighbors' windows wide-open as weather gets warmer. (if you wonder where the mourns and mouns came from)

    . Rewarded 4

    • eosmia
      June 10, 2006
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      Actually this poem was mostly written two years ago in winter. I had been badly injured an could barely walk. I live in a very old house. All night I lay helpless, listening to noises trying to identify what they were. You are right the poems both end in dawn.


  • gdb
    July 31, 2006
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    First thoughts...

    Interesting subject matter.  Descriptive narrative moves the piece along.  I'm assuming by its posting here, you are still willing to work with it and I think if you do, a thoughtful revision could increase its impact on the reader.  I notice you have mentioned that it was written quite some time ago; excellent.  Often, the passing of considerable time is just the key to reviewing work with a less biased, open mindset.

    First thoughts:
    The irregular flow, use of hyphens and extra spaces and irregular use of capitalization at the beginning of lines actually distracted me from the message I was attempting to assimilate.  You may want to consider a revision in architecture, one which carries your reader along a bit more effortlessly and invisibly.

    Perhaps some form of punctuation at the end of Line 6, Line 9 and maybe Line 20 might be beneficial.

    You may want to reconsider your title.  I do not think it currently does your work justice.  Perhaps you might spend a little time reflecting on the "essence" of this piece and see what then comes to mind.  I can see where you might go in several different, interesting directions with it which would intrigue and invite a potential reader.


    Thought:  I like the "clock ticking second" portion of Line 17.  You may want to consider a revision of Line 18 which converts the wording to a sister, comparative phrase of "slow motion hours".

    I also like how your last line brings us 'round full circle to Line 1.

    Thank you.

    I hope this is of some assistance.

    . Rewarded 4