Take your
turn
rack your brain
go insane
better you than me
we’ll see
who needs who
and how much
who longs for whose
touch
I’m not a crutch
to be leant on
when you're blue.
Do
what you have to
do
Live!
For Christ’s sake!
This is no rehearsal !
Our time is passing –
passed !
You’re missing
the beginning
and the middle
wondering
if it will last.
Damn and blast
your sweet eyes –
you’re going to be
so surprised
to wake one day
and know
you missed your chance.
The lover of your life
asked you to dance.
You marked your card
and waited
might
the perfect partner yet appear?
Then walked home
alone
on the night
of the longest day.
The year turns
and Summer now departs
as nights close in
on Winter’s lonely hearts .
Comments?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Carpe diem
"Gather ye Rosebuds while ye may"
line 3 "better (for) her than me." (otherwise better she than I)
5 "whom" is fortunately on its way out because that is such a neat line!
I like it!
If "brevity be the soul of wit"
this must be brief, so be it!
Terry -
Lyrical lilt to weighty issues
I`ve spent some time reading your poems posted on this site and your range and variety highlight your ability as a discerning observer. Your skill in structuring lends character and defining cadence to your words. Many passages are coloured with internal rhyming yet held on a tight leash so they contribute more as a lyrical accent to the "voice" of the imagined narrator (certainly rich in Irish tones in my head!). It`s been a dilemma deciding which of your poems to offer a comment on and being a novice in this arena, lacking technical proficiency in the art of analysis my remarks are embarrassingly subjective. So, to this one: I find often that obvious rhymes can be spiced up with eloquence and variance of synonym.In my view "her" occurs a tad too often in the first verse.Just a suggestion I hope you won`t deem too forward: "Let doubt rack her brain-Beget insane-Rather her than I-We`ll soon espy-"...etc. Using third person in the first part and direct address in the other two might muddy the waters a bit for the overall clarity.I like the ambiguity in who you`re talking of in lines 39-45. Lines 19-25 work very well! The cyclical nature of time and lifetimes adrift I found a fine conclusion. In my humble opinion this is by no means one of your "best" works. But I would like to save my most succinct critique for these until my discernment is worthy of your words.. Rewarded 4
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Oustanding Comment
Had to smile reading your words
' It`s been a dilemma deciding which of your poems to offer a comment on and being a novice in this arena, lacking technical proficiency in the art of analysis my remarks are embarrassingly subjective. '
Your comment is more eloquent and considered than the poem itself. I took time to look at all your poems posted here and realized how informal and trite my own comment on your work had been. Reading work like yours almost always makes me feel like an impostor here , so narrow is the range of my reading , expertise and even
vocabulary. It is a rare treat indeed to have a poem so considerately reviewed and I thank you for it.
As I always try to, I reviewed the poem in light of your comment , on which subject, please , don't ever hesitate to sound critical or volunteer suggestion - if we don't see the negatives how can we improve? I believe we live on rather different sides of the track regarding how we go about this and my work is far less considered than your own, emanating from a 'flow--of-consciousness ' and lacking the form , discipline and mastery of your work. 'Spicing things up with eloquence ' does not fall so easily within my compass as yours however !
Nevertheless I did take your point about the change of persons between the stanzas and I made fairly sweeping changes to the first one as a result. I also reverted to my original title as the 'Longest Day' was in fact the inspiration and occasion for the poem.
Thanks once again for your consideration and comment and I will try to return the compliment a.s.a.p.
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I like poems who drive me. It is more than rhythm - it is a sort of backtalk which maintains a soft persecution of a scenario. Usually I would criticize the theme of your poem, but the way you explored it obliged me to dive in the flux of your pretty well chosen words... paragraphs are studied to create an effect of continuous time suspension, words are short as seconds, and the eyes look for the next line almost as if it was possible to run after time. I loved the sensation... I'll repeat it again.
. Rewarded 4
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Cusodia Maia on 'The Longest Day'
Thank you so much for your considered and very flattering review. I think you possibly afford me more credit than I'm due here but like most of my writing this poem IS essentially a flow of consciousness and I'm gratified to see that you picked up on that. I did wonder what it was specifically about the subject you didn't like. Is it too clichee or distasteful in some other way? Anyway , my sincere thanks once again - I will try to return the favour a.s.a.p. >W<
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I like poems who drive me. It is more than rhythm - it is a sort of backtalk which maintains a soft persecution of a scenario. Usually I would criticize the theme of your poem, but the way you explored it obliged me to dive in the flux of your pretty well chosen words... paragraphs are studied to create an effect of continuous time suspension, words are short as seconds, and the eyes look for the next line almost as if it was possible to run after time. I loved the sensation... I'll repeat it again.
. Rewarded 1
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I like poems who drive me. It is more than rhythm - it is a sort of backtalk which maintains a soft persecution of a scenario. Usually I would criticize the theme of your poem, but the way you explored it obliged me to dive in the flux of your pretty well chosen words... paragraphs are studied to create an effect of continuous time suspension, words are short as seconds, and the eyes look for the next line almost as if it was possible to run after time. I loved the sensation... I'll repeat it again.
June 27, 2006
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