Oh, the world’s a good place
Despite all the demons
Who drag you through hell
- and leave you to moan.
For the moon rapt in mystic
Keens in the heavens,
You can dance to her madness
You can laugh all alone.
A voice in the desert
Screams to the planets,
Splashes against the rocks of His throne.
An echo, like thunder
Quivers the lilies
The mountains split wide,
The earth tossed asunder
By the stumbling man
And his half stifled groan.
Oh, the world’s a fine place
Fear not the Stygian darkness
And nocturnal creatures,
Floating ‘round in your brain.
For the sun with her parched face
Will eclipse all your visions
And scorch your remembrances
- as shifting sands.
Then the winds of the moment
Lift them in passing
And scatter them gently
To nourish the land.
Playing with a title change. Any suggestions?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Shifting Sands
Your own words jump out at me as a title for this very elusive and moody piece. The strong rhymes shift about but remain and the mood also changes from despair to hope. It has a nicely accomplished feel as I have come to expect from you and was once again , an excellent read. Wondered why you used ' 'round ' in line 21 when 'around' seemed to fit the rhythm better.. Rewarded 4
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I must echo WH, "a nicely accomplished piece." My only suggestions would be:
Line 5- "the moon rapt in mystic"-- is this meant to be "the moon rapt AND mystic"? Or perhaps, "the moon rapt in MYSTIQUE"? I found it a little confusing.
In lines 15-17, I think it would flow better with if you said, "The earth tossed asunder/By the half-stifled groan/Of the stumbling man."
I found it interesting, esp. in light of some of your other work as well as your notes, that you characterized the sun as female, in what is otherwise very traditional (i.e., Christian, Miltonian) imagery. This has been very thought-provoking. Thank you.. Rewarded 4
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Deep
I also looked twice at line 5, and was not dismayed, for it was open-ended, letting me find several possible "mystic" things, some of which perhaps would be revealed in later lines. It felt "involving" always a very good thing early in a poem.
As a grammarian of very long standing, and sitting too in judgment as often as not, I have to question the use of capitals on every line, even where meaning would not expect a new sentence to begin. I know it is traditional; I was also taught a half century-plus-twenty ago (almost) that was the routine demanded in poetry. That was then. This is now, it it seems odd to find capitals in mid-sentence. I refuse to go as far as some do here, to eschew capitals entirely, for there is entirely too much confusion without the ones that are needed. Personal preferences however are still allowed.
Line 8 is particularly apt. Those who can laugh alone can glory in their strength, and thus be able to help others who are more needy. Philosophical thoughts grow naturally there, unencumbered by the trivia of daily contacts.
I reread lines 9 to 17, startled at the truth it contains. Unhappiness, personal despair, disseminated pain do indeed have their effect on the well-being of others, perhaps not noticeably to this extreme, but harmfully nevertheless. Source of the "misery-loves-company" syndrome, it is what ails large portions of the population, blinding them to all that's good.
Good use of hyperbole here too, and extended metaphor.
Indeed, in the last stanza, much in our complaints and lamentations is only "so much ado about nothing."
I was an only child, growing (except later for school) dependent only on my own resources far from town and its distractions. With a big dog who'd get me home, for safety on long walks in the wilderness, a cat for company in the house, and only assorted rather wise adults around me, apparently I spoke very early and could converse without distracting. This poem reached me where I live.
It was such a safe world in the early 1930's. A child had no need for fear, and thus had none alone, even miles from the homestead, followed by chickadees flitting branch to branch behind me. (For non- Canadians, the black-capped little bird is similar to a tom-tit, the name coming from its song.) The occasional wild deer permitted our approach, the dog quiet at my side, then with one silent leap disappeared beyond the hazelnut bushes. Perfect way to grow up if no other influences interfere. Its peace remains with me still, a moat of endurance in later years.
A title? Something about reflecting both in the sense of mirror, and of thought. For each of us there is a personal reality, the World is truly as we see it. How we get to see it is another question.
Terry. Rewarded 4
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You are so very amazing. I love hearing about your life and how your past influences the way you think. In US as I grew up we were under a constant threat that the Russians were going to blow us all to hell. We had these drills where they stuffed us into cupboards in the basement or onto buses to ship us into the country to be safe. I remember walking out of the school, away from the busses. I had decided that I preferred to die with my family. I wept the whole way home. Perhaps that accounts for the sadness in so many of my poems.
Eosmia
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Hi eosmia. Sorry I took a while to post a comment to your poem here ( yours just take a bit longer!)
The sentiments in this poem bring to mind the venerable Chinese adage: "May you live in interesting times"
I enjoyed the imagery of lunacy laughing at the moon on line 8.
The second stanza, intentionally or not, afforded me a ripe vista of elemental connotations: many lines withheld two opposite elements in dichotomic harmony (now there`s an oxymoron I think). Earth, ether, water and yes, thru line 14s volcanic image: fire.
I very much liked line 22, and Excellent spacing in the use of line 25 to break up the rhythm (in a good way!).
Your rhyming is as per usual unforced and subtle, eosmia and works exceedingly well within the context.
I loved the poignant irony of the last stanza and the becalming exit of your delightful verse.
I also had to read line 5 twice and I`m not thouroughly convinced "mystic" works better than "mystique".
And the title dear eosmia, "Thoughts"? I`m sorry, I find these words a little weightier - more along the lines of "Ruminations"...
You`ll probably deem it quite ridiculous, but I might`ve called this piece: "Cornutopias`Twilight" (or "Dusk"). A nifty neologism on the end of a cornucopious set of utopic ponderings.
But then again...
Kindest and warmest regards,
gnosisonG
PS WOW! The Grande Dame DeeCrepit does a good review doesn`t she!. Rewarded 4
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Hello GnosisonG:
Thank you so much for your comments. I have spent several days mulling over mystic verses mystique. Mystique sounds so Victoria Secrets but it might be more correct. I'm working on a little book of verse called Thought's On so I'm afraid most of my poetry has been stuck with that simple title.
So very glad that I get comments from you and a few of the others. They are so helpful.
Thankfully,
Eosmia -
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My pleasure
Whew. Does that mean I can use Cornutopia myself then? I have an idea germinating.
Cheers, gnosisonG.
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This is my impression...
Look past the bad and ill of this world but don't look too far, for life is ephemeral and will make short work of your accumulation of supposed "wisdom" by virtue of our infinitesimal place in the grander scheme of things. We are small and insignificant. As such we should view all travail in accordance with the same scale: about 350 million to one as to our importance. Trouble should fade in proportion to our real importance, which is minimal on a galactic scale.
Do I fall far afield? Or do I ascertain correctly?
I really liked this, as I always do your work. You have a style that resounds throughout the mind like words spoken in a great hall. The words continue in their echo beyond my reading. Thanks for this.
What is your reasoning as to your use of the hyphen? And, is that your own device? I do not often see this method used.
Sincerely,
Al. Rewarded 4
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Hi Al: Your take on my poem was on track. I was playing with some biblical imagery. I think too much about the "voice in the wilderness" Al Gore at the moment. Have you seen An Inconvenient Truth? Great film. The hyphen... this site seems to like every line up against the margin. I don't. so I use the hyphens to force the lines to stay in place. Nothing poetic just practical.
I always like to hear from you. Your replies force me to think. Something I do to little of, I fear.
Eosmia
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just a comment
jan, I just loved it.
Windhover
July 18, 2006
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