I had a plan
of self- control
that I would close these windows
neither look
nor let myself be seen
I played the game
made jokes
and looked the other way
I played it cool
the fool
who dances for his queen
You played it too
pretended
there was nothing going on
between me and
you
although you knew
the fiery hoops
my heart
was leaping through
I made small-talk
it was a big deal
anything
but mention how I feel.
You won't allow that
so where
should the feelings go?
I scrawl them on the page
I watch them bleed
through pen from fingertips.
I need
these
expressions
of the hunger that you feed to me
Please –
Read to me.
Comments?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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i hope this isn't the way you felt when you read my piece..lost..lol
when i read this piece i was thinking about the way i felt when i wrote my latest.
the feelings are quite similar but to be honest i'm not sure if your refering to an actual women- your companion or you're describing the relationship that you have with your writing.
the last line is what really adds to the confusion in my mind.
when you say "read to me"
i get the feeling that your emotions , your creativity has a life of its own and you don't control it. it has a mind of its own. the words that are scribbled unto paper you really dont allow your self to see when its bugging you at the time but only do when you write about it. So the term read to me gives me the idea that its a way for you to actually address wats on your mind.
it sounds like a plea to your urself
. Rewarded 4
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If NASA finds out about us.....
Hi Ku ! Great to see you back and giving me a grilling ! As always I think you give me too much credit and this one is probably a good deal less worthy than your thoughtful critique assumes . I have to confess that the last line pretty much wrote itself and I didn't agonize too much over its exact meaning. It just felt right. To a degree you're right on the money. As poets we do convert our feelings into poems and words and believe it to be a worthwhile and meaningful excercise. More than just the recording of feelings as words made of ink committed to paper. Creating the words gives the feelings expression, power and even incarnation so they can be dealt with somehow. To have someone read them is both frightening and gratifying. They are parts of ourselves after all , now given into the hands of others. Surely then to have them read back to us by a 'significant other' is a very intimate act. I think I just worked out what I meant! Thanks to you . I think this is called 'brainstorming'. NASA should be told about us ! So glad you read this one first ! Cheers Sweetie! Bye Ku !
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now we're even...LOL
ok, i've been here before and though I like the poem, i was lost a few times... was kinda waiting for somebody to critique u first - (and gladly ketura did!
)
Nothing to critique as to the technicalities of this piece. But there is a line (or two) that I feel like (and as you would say it) just 'flowed' out but am not sure if it bears much sense as it does well with the rhythm.
IT's these lines:
'To mention is just words
-and words won’t heal'
I don't know about you, but i think words do a lot with 'healing'.
And then, the last line just made me want to get a chair, sit between you and your computer and demand: EXPLAIN!!!!!!!! lol!
Ok, this is one great poem, but i'm pretty sure u lost urself somewhere in here too. (admit it! lol)
oh, before i forget, there's this part i really like:
'the fiery hoops
my heart
was leaping through' (nice!)
later,
Lynne
. Rewarded 4
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Sneaky
Isn't that a great word! Okay , I've told you before you're a bad girl and reading other people's reviews to get ideas is very bold indeed. So no stars for YOU today ! There could be spanking needed! No points for 'catching me out' on flow vs. exact meaning when I had already confessed it. Since you're reading my mail (you naughty girl!) maybe you should go the whole hog and read my reply to Ketura where I contrived a quite brilliant explanation of the whole thing!At least , that's MY story and I'm sticking to it ! As for words , yes they do heal and damage alike - but sometimes they're just not enough. I suspect you'll agree! See me after class Scribbler! <-: >W<
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Wonderful..
The poem remind me about that great Eric Clapton s song
RETENDING...
I AM GOING INTO THE POEM , NOW.The poem is just great, the games we play the characters we play...trying to hide?Trying to protect ourselves?I dont know...pretending seems to be just part of our lives We learn to please others or to be pleased.to like or to dislike.To be authentic or to be false.Sometimes we are just clowning, hiding our miseries.No one likes to feel discovered at it miseries, we want to seem great and we re just dust,ashes....
Well, to pretend or not to pretend.LIke it a lot...
I am going to read it a couple of times more.
and I am not pretending this time....Bye.Ludmila607.. Rewarded 1
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Thanks Ludmila
Your comments are very much appreciated as always . I seem to be getting more credit than I'm due on this one - it was written as a fairly simple love poem . It always fascinates me how many different 'takes' there can be on any given subject. Your thoughts on it are very gratifying. My Very Best . >W<
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A nice little thumbnail sketch of a relationship, language in general is good, buuuuuuuuuuuut just watch for the annoying cliches really (Ooh, or are they deliberate? I guess they could be deliberate? Hmm...)
Anyway, yes...
"Windows to my soul", "I watch them bleed". All rather standard and emo.
I mean, you could turn that to your advantage I guess, the situation is pretty cliched, stress the way the situation almost only allows you to think in cliches perhaps?
Dunno, nice poem anyhow. I liked stanza three especially, it very nicely charactersised her, whoever she may be.
You're very good at that in general, giving a very good feel for a character in very few words.
- iorek. Rewarded 1
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Point taken...
..and graciously accepted. I sent a reply but it seems to have disappeared. Anyway , I did a few edits and thanks for the thoughtful comments as always. >W< -
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WOW!
Okay, sorry but:
"that I would close these windows
neither look
nor let myself be seen"
God that just rocks!
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August 3, 2006