Crime scene between your legs.
Cops dust for swastikas
on an apple bruise
seeping through the G-string
you wore that once for me.
It grins a crinkled malice with the promise of
progression.
You were never naked.
A lonesome wristwatch ticked too fast astride your pulse
or a voyeuristic slip across your back would dare me,
"Eat a peach,"
and every time I grasped your breasts
I felt as if I'd censored you.
Critiques?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Crime scene - or porn queen -or both?
Can't believe you're throwing this fascinating write open for suggestions but here goes. Suggest you work with camera flashes and the possibility that they are either those of a crime investigation over a corpse or just lenses aimed at a 'working girl' of some sort. The apparent detachment of the lady in question in apparently erotic situations suggests perhaps a hooker/voyeur relationship fulfilling the mutual abuse requirement of your notes. Please finish it and don't cop out !. Rewarded 4
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I think I may have had the camera flash idea before (could be a false memeory), and the fact that someone else sees it leads me to believe it is indeed the natural progression. Very thoughtful suggestion, thank you. -- Y
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definetely a good start
sexy in a mickey spillane sort of way. what to see how this sexual caper is gonna end.
dave -
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Spillane!
Ahhhh! That was his name! I was racking my brain trying to remember. Danke. But yes, we shall see indeed. -- Y
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well done
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I agree with your notes!
...this is how it should stay!
Emotional rape, this is! Oh my, I like your language!
I like the sound of lines 7-8, 10, 12, 15. (or is that all of it? haha)
Very nice descriptions. Classy and subtle.
Loved this.
cheers, LYNNE. Rewarded 4
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Absolutely delicious poetry..(I)beautifully painted picture of decadence...or something. Whatever it was i liked it, and i dont know how to put my finger on it--
(II) Very graphic..
enough said it was a great piece...
Thank you for sharing
. Rewarded 4
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certainly very interesting-- the poem is disturbing, perhaps even more so since it's not entirely clear what the situation is. you definitely have captured the feel of the narration of a classic film noir, which is to be applauded because you did it with so few lines. of course there are a lot of parodies of film noir and that type of narration can seem sort of comical or cheesy, and that makes the shocking imagery of the poem clash with the tone
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks, I appreciate the honesty!
I'm glad you felt that noir feel was so well crafted! : ) That was something of an afterthought, actually. It wasn't written with noir in mind, but I read that into it afterward. Do you think you would have associated the noir tone with this if I hadn't mentioned it in the author notes? Also, what in particular did you find clashing about the tone?
Cheers!
Yossarian
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Not sure
I like the imagery because it takes my mind to places that I can't explain. I do find the poem disturbing particularly the 'bruised apple', and 'you were never naked'. It makes me think that the woman is a prostitute who has been killed, not by the person observing but by someone else. The 'bruised apple', an overused vagina that is sweet but overused. She was never naked because the sex was fast and you were not intimate enough to be naked together. Also the themes of voyerism and daring the person to 'eat a peach' makes me think of doing something naughty.
This poem is very vivid and violently sexual.
Love your work and the imagery.
. Rewarded 8
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I'm glad I happened to see this title on Rewarding Poetry, Y, even though I'm coming late to it. I surely like it - its slyly erotic and criminal tone (that "Delictum" title tips me off nicely to some kind of crime here). I can't quite put my finger on what's going on in the poem, but its salacious feel(!) is rich.
She's a corpse, I'm guessing, and her vagina seeps a bad bruise, like an Eve/Eden/apple beaten up by overuse, and there's no stopping the ruin - as in that "grins a crinkled malice with a promise of progression." Juicy. And "she" was never completely open emotionally ("never naked") to anyone who humped her, including the poet, even though she tried to entice him to open her up with "Eat a peach..." She wanted only a full-court press where it counted, not any upper-floor grasping.
A loaded poem, dark and streetwise, like a 1940s backalley movie, with Peter Lorre and Claire Trevor slipping around the shadows. A real treat, with a hint of Dashell Hammett.
Lad. Rewarded 8
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A belated reply (haven't been on the site in ages!):
Thank you for the thoughts. Honestly, I like your conception of this better than mine, lol. I haven't really got a concrete idea of what this is about. It started as a reflection on harmful (sexual) relationships, but the scenery and metaphor rather overtook it. It really took on a life of its own, and it's one of the few poems I've never had to make a big revision of. Also, the "apple bruise over vagina" image had haunted me for a long time, so I needed to expunge it, in an admittedly round about way.
But yes, noir is the one thing I was definitely going for here. I think it could be a whole new subgenre! It would be everything goth poetry wishes it could be. But with fedoras.
Thanks again,
Y
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Windhover
August 23, 2006