Hello,
I am a student at Brandeis University in MA, and I like writing poetry and composing music.
- Last seen on Mar 12 12:09 AM 2008. Member since September 27, 2006.
- I am a 18 year old guy from Massachusetts (United States)
- When I'm not writing, I'm student.
- I have 42 comments, 21 archived poems
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on Durer’s Hands (a Petrarchan Sonnet ) by hobby, on October 25, 2007Ah!! How great to see another poem written in my favorite form, and a good poem too!!
Let me see if I can offer any suggestions for this piece. I'm going to go line-by-line adding comments/notes as I see so you can see how my thought processes work as I read your poem.
First line is good, the spondee to iamb gives a strength impression, which then falls to three trochees. Ending in a feminine rhyme is good as well, because it detracts from the power and adds to the feeling of weakness.
The second and third line both look good; punctuation, meter, and rhyme pattern is great.
The fourth and fifth line I don't understand. Reading it as a sentence, it would be: "Penetrating bone of fingers narrow crippled, affliction in blood and marrow," which makes no sense to me. Maybe there is something you could do with the punctuation to make that clearer, but that, as it is, is a fragment, which conveys to me an idea, but not a clear one.
The sixth and seventh line are great as well, I have no quibble with them. The eighth starts off well, but then "his trow" at the end doesn't seem to make much sense. Perhaps replace it with vow? Since your other rhymes are near rhymes anyway, vow might work better than an archaic verb. There's nothing wrong with bending the rules of grammar a little bit, so long as they don't break, but it seems to me like you're trying to stretch it a little to fulfill the scheme of a sonnet.
Onto the sestet!
I would rephrase the first two lines of the sestet like this for juxtaposing the two opposites:
"A sacrifice, a brother's dream made real,
Pain repaid in a monument devout;"
I'm not sure the meaning of the line "long fallen sands." Strands might be a good word to use in that line, if you could fit it in. Or stands.
"Commemorated long before still stands
His tribute, ink-sketched by the stroke of quill: (needed to add the to keep it pentameter)
this wonderfully touching tale about
a brother's love, clasped within Durer's Hands. (Again, needed to add a syllable)"
I hope these comments help. This poem really is good, but there are places where it could be improved. Good job and keep writing !
-Zac. Rewarded 8
I think there should be a comma after cry in line two, to slow down the piece and to isolate the ideas in lines 2 and 3. You don't need to have the rhythm be continuous there for the reader to think about line 2, wonder why, then find the answer on line 3.
Line four I think that it should just be "he blacked your eye" then line 5 would be "that gaze" I understand that eyes creates more of an emphasis on the beating, but in making it only one eye, the emphasis shifts from the degree of the beating to the actual beating itself. The phrase "blacked your eyes" slowed me down, because I am more used to just seeing a single black eye. (This suggestion might be insubstantial, but 'eyes' was just egregious to me.)
Line 7: I think, since George is dead, "Little Jennie loved" which also emphasis his disappearance. This would also be parallel with Jimmie's 'loved.'
Line 8: Comma after mends, slowing down the tone of peace and giving each pentameter line its own profound idea.
Line 11: Comma after shed... same reason as listed above
Line 12: Instead of yet, use and. It flows better, and drives the point more that the teachers, almost obviously, keep their regrets unsaid.
The last line of the poem was a little ambiguous to me, just because of the lack of 'self' after you. I'm not so much of a fan of using the case of letters to say something, so I'd say just to keep the case the same on the bottom. It seems like you're almost trying to hard to make the point. I think, just keep it short, simple, and in line with the rest of the poem.
Anyway, very nice poem!! Hope my suggestions help.
Zach
. Rewarded 8