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Mojojames

  • Last seen on Nov 10 5:32 PM. Member since October 31, 2005.
  • I am a 64 year old man (United States)
  • When I'm not writing, I'm esl teacher in china.
  • I support the site as a gold member
  • I have 517 comments, 23 archived poems

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  • on Revelation by rhetorica, on October 24
    Rhetorica - This reminds me of Ouroboros - the snake eating its own tail in an endless sequence of repitition. I like the rhythms of the short lines, stacatto machine gun thoughts that fit the theme well. Also the irony of the last few lines. Lies and stupidity live after the breath goes out of everything else. Cheers, MJ

    . Rewarded 6

  • on Deceptive Innocence by ACpoetry, on October 24
    AC - A very sad story re-told with a lot of feeling and sophistication beyond your age.

    The first stanza is especially good, a compact introduction to what follows. The comparison between your life's momentum and the river's is effective. Also the lines:

    "...flow of the waters
    hum to the rhythms..."

    In the second stanza I think you could re-locate "no more legos/ no more Lion King" to follow "grow old" the next to the last line in that stanza. See what you think.

    In the third stanza, I would strike the first "something" end of line 6, I think it gives the sentiment there a stronger build.

    One last suggestion - in the final stanza you introduce the name of the river? Corsicana? not sure of the reference, but don't think you need it this late in the poem. So the last bit might read:

    "Me and Tilly stare
    at the river
    she licks my face.
    the river
    stares back at us
    with deceptive innocence
    its heart as cold
    as that fateful day
    it took little Ben
    away from this world."

    But all those are just quibbles and personal preferences on a piece that is really poignant and full of deep feeling. Cheers, MJ