Mufinhxc• Show poetry

My name is Kevin. I'm happier than I have ever been. I am very passionate. I love with every fiber of my being, that is genuine and no one will ever cheapen what I express. My life has changed dramatically. I used to be very negative and distraught, now I act with integrity and am very hopeful.


Once upon a time there was a world whose very foundations were crumbling beneath it. A sickly fluorescent sun shone upon the decay every day. An infinitesimal mass of silhouettes swarmed it's lanscape casting a black sheen to make the space itself weep in envy. Each and every shadow damned to forever be eclipsed by the sun they so adored drowned in twilight. Let's pray by chance maybe a destined few would experience a shattered existence hold a candle to the son, crack a wry smile, and demand deaf ears beg their pardon. Not wick set in wax destined to burn out; not a lighter burning up it's fuel all night and day. Let us embrace one another in love daring to be named and find not a shadow of a hope but a briliant shining light. A light so bright we might question a burning orb in the sky, a light whose existence owes no explanation. Let us bask in truth, the truth that we are truly blessed, at peace, and blinded in happiness forevermore.



The most valuable

The most beautiful things aren't written, they aren't painted, they aren't thought or envisioned. They are living breathing things that trenscend reason and belief. Their beauty lies in the denial of impossibility and inability to be recreated. They make us feel small, humble, and infinitely more appreciative. These people, these events, these actions negate feelings of seclusion and instead offer completion. A universe of entropy suddenly is building meaning at an alarming rate. Everyone stumbles in the darkness but I promise you we all eventually find the light. Never leave words unspoken and embrace the those you love. These the things that I have learned.



Autumn

His tie lined with lies
A soldier prepared to die
To catch a young girl's eye
As soft as he is subtle
She's anxious and stressed
But he'll be unimpressed
Less he's got you undressed
Just above a whisper
And through an open door
A once innocent girl
A lonely mess on the floor
"Because for a lady,
less is more"



Important

It's not right to manipulate people and things to justify my acting without integrity.

I've formed this dangerous habit level of thinking. Something I created for myself to try and escape these things I've been a part. Created all these ideas, excuses, and situations to hide behind to try and protect and keep the people I love. I guess I have to accept reality to be a part of it. Nothing will ever change the wrong that's passed but I can change and I don't choose to repeat the wrong I so detest.

No matter how much I harden my heart or how calloused I may become I made these past 17 years what they were and waiting for the world to change or pursuing destruction won't lead to anything different.

It wasn't enough to lose the things I love.
It wasn't enough to not be loved in returned.
I couldn't face these things because they are the things I truly fear.

It was always enough to love.
And you have loved me ten fold.
You showed me all the compassion and understanding in the world.
You listened to every word I said.
You gave me a place to be.
You made me your friend your, your brother.
And you placed all your trust and faith in me.

But I was so afraid to lose it all or too stubborn to believe any of it. I fought so hard to protect you from me, beat myself up in the background, lied through my teeth, mislead, and instilled doubt. And for what to keep you from knowing I really care because if you knew it'd be my undoing. But it never was, nothing was ever used against me, it was all in my head.

I had everything and threw it all away just to prove I could. It didn't prove anything to anyone and only put myself in the position I was trying to avoid.

I'm seeing things from a new perspective and I can't apologize enough for the things I've said and done. You probably know me as well as you though even though I made attempts to lead some of you astray to keep you from meaning enough to me to give chance to being hurt.

I am responsible for myself and nothing more can be expected of me. Trying to protect the people who love and care for me from myself isn't fair to anyone. It doesn't allow risk and without risk there is no chance for life nor happiness. I would want the freedom at a chance to get through to those I love and I can't deny the very same thing to those people.

I only regret that I'm unable to tell each and everyone of you these things personally.



Oubliette

smoke blew up through the roof
her red hands expose the truth
firelight beauty offsets
while he burns in his regrets
somewhere between lips and hips
send him off with a kiss
sinking like a sailor
goes down with his ship
and the dreams he watched drown
heavy lies the twisted crown
a halo hovering above
the disgrace you've become
an heir of empty breath
with nothing left to fear
so this is what it's like to disappear



Empty Promises

the story of your life
and a sad excuse to make us all alone



Movies

she's beautiful
used to be in the movies
but she smiles too much
and can't shake the bad taste
his name leaves in her mouth
he's a wreck
lived in the limelight
too proud of his ego
wasted can't see straight
left a stammer in his voice
cause she's always right

i can't depend on you for anything
but he'll always let you down



Feigning

mascara blurred and winding
your skin so tight it's ripping at the seams
growing old a patchwork mosaic
crumpled paper hearts
love notes in your wrinkles
this damn house is spinning
a faulty home because you're all alone
so the garden is dying, the people are parched
the well is all dried up
like the fountain tip of my pen
a scalpel's edge
please doctor his chest
etch out a heart
prick the point
the finest of crimson to seal the deal
and he is all sewn back togther
good as used
the fault lines drawn
between the living and the bedroom
dead conversations and seduction
take a deep breath
the dark flood is coming
and you're drowning in her
cigarette smoke
attached at the hip
tall dark and neglecting
her trembling lips
curtains drawn the sickest of greys
comes the motivation
atrophy and hesitation
a burning landscape the end of days



4am

her desperate breath across the call
gets lost in the autumn leaves that fall
these subtle lies dissolve
into our december sky
and i can't see the attention you need
is the one i provide when he's not on your side
a toast to you sweetheart
fatal faulty stop and start
deafening silence without a sound
lost your touch with no one else around
home sweet home a sickening shade of grey
a lifeless sea and a heartbroken cast away



Winter

she has a summer smile and i have winter skin
i'm a living breathing cliche
but sweetheart i mean every word i say
the deadest of sighs
the clothes on the floor
the crowd's prying eyes
they're screaming for more
our summer home death and decay
days sat in silence all stolen away
the snow is piling up
the roof is all caved in
the tide has drowned the porch
our patience stretched so thin
so as i bury this knife in the small of your back
you can play with your boys
stupid broken toys
i'll leave you to rot
in the house that you call home
with the friends you couldn't keep
how you love to be alone



Fine Art

he's a masterpiece
a fucking puzzle piece
that fits so perfectly between her sheets
absolved they dissolve in their sins
but he doesn't quite fit in with your friends
caper caw and late nights with the law
bloodshot eyes
these lines that tie
the seatbelt to the holster
and the guilt you shoulder
as blurred and buzzed his suv plows you over
and who is suzie q
well she smiles at you
as the ambulance calls
beckons you to the mannequin mall
the voices in the hall let mommy dearest
know you're alright
they pull the strings call it an early night
and black out your lights
they couldn't quite erase the red dye
mill the kisses on your collar
the mouth filled with bills
or the nightstand topped with twenty dollars
picasso sends you off
with a fading dandelion topper
the black heart stopper
and a woman in grey
who marks today
tomorrow filled with sorrow
désolé



Fallout

you're the sigh in the back of my throat
the relief as i learn to choke
stop gasping for air
i only love you cause i can't have you
not because i care
you're the bullet to my brain
you're the poison in my food
you're the wreckless driver who can't look too soon
the car that plows me over one lazy afternoon
you're the bitter pill
that makes sorrow so sweet
so close at hand but so far out of reach
tightly locked up with your cat in the keep



Lullaby

i'd just woken up
and my eyes were red as fuck
because i get no sleep
when she slaughters my sheep
say the word and i'm out the door
but you'll leave me pleading and begging for more
while i pace the living room floor
it's kind of sad how i'd let you whittle me down
and you only keep me around for the attention you need
while you're all locked up safe and sound in the keep
i'd love to stay up and chat all night
but she's got her claws burried deep in my regrets
she's whispering my flaws to keep me in debt
it's a one sided fight, you can hear the crowd scream
how they'll applaud this lonely beauty queen

long live lilith. she's my equal, she's my love. because she'll fend for herself, tell me when i'm wrong, she won't bend backwards, and she sings pretty songs. she lies, she cheats, she steals, she's broken battered and bruised, but she won't be used. her smile smites every man and her body spells the apocolypse. she's an angel sent down from heaven and cast into hell for believing in herself more than i. this halo over our head is lie and i can't help love you when we never see eye to eye. how could i ask for anything more?



Epilogue

you sound so pretty lost in the night

but you became a pestilential shell of the great person i thought i'd met

everything's gone to hell in whatever is left of my life

i fall in love far too easily, but i'd rather fall in love everyday than never love at all



I was going to

and then i kind of lost interest



What sets me apart from them

i love and feel. i listen and understand. i admit to the truth. i willingly show my faults knowing it may push people away, because i'm looking for someone who can deal. i want to talk to you, not to the telephone. i have so many things to say to people willing to risk a little misfortune. i won't waste time with meaningless words, let's talk about something important. a time will come when the atmosphere is thick with lies, repetition takes hold and we can't stand this small talk that once quenched our thirst. that time has long passed for me, let me know when the facade fails



Fall

the shadows crept their way up and down these four walls while my mind so carelessly tore apart the world i couldn't put back together. forgetfully i've smudged reality into twilight across a ruined and unimaginative canvas of hope. i've curled up with a blanket to black out the sun. fastfoward and willed everything away while i'm suffocating beneath these pillows. i'm shamefully giving in and giving up, praying for a break in this disaster. i'd love to make this piece of shit life, this piece of shit place, this piece of shit apathy into something we could all be proud to admit to. i've got too much head and too little heart. i split and devided it amongst you. we parted ways, made off like thieves in the night, proud to display what's wrongfully ours behind thick glass cases for all to envy. keep your trophies, just let me run this race. i'm an open book i've nothing to hide, i'll turn the pages and read for you. let's put the book down and take step outside. the pen is your's to write a fairytale ending or a neverending nightmare. i've got to escape this prison of waking dreams where terrible things fester but in reality become nothing of the sort. teach me to paint so many pretty pictures and i'll forget this ever was. we follow in the examples of those we love. what a terrible idea to love everything that loves you not. instead of hardening i weakened my heart to the point of absolute frailty, where i'd steal myself away from those who care in fear of their neglect. sometimes it's okay to sit in silence as long as you aren't sitting alone. we'll talk face to face where we can't ignore one another and pretend to forget. i'll safely tell you the most rediculous things like i love you with every fiber of my being because there's nothing to worry about when we all know such a thing doesn't exist. sadly we live in a world where four letter lies run rampant and we couldn't care less. i proudly admit that it's the one lie i believe in because i completely miss the fact that it's all around me

funny how i'm only like this when i'm alone and too tired to care



Settling

we fall in love with those things just out of our reach or we become so confident in ourselves that we slowly bring about our own demise. we desire things we can't have because we're convinced we can't have them. in our hearts and minds we want to believe they're more spectacular than what we posses. maybe you won't tire of something you can never have but you'll never understand what you never bothering trying for. eventually people trade their dreams in for something less fitting. they allow themselves to believe in a standard set for them by themselves and/or others. once upon a time i did a lot of giving in and giving up. i traded my dreams in for nothing. i don't believe in settling but i do believe in you. that's at least one reason to not give up



I couldn't think

i want to fall and love and be loved, why wouldn't i? it's human. i think while i was so caught up in trying to prove what a horrible person i was i forgot i wasn't. you'd been hurt before when you trusted and loved most. it was a lack of trust that made me trust you the most, it's something you can't fake. so i set aside my pride for proof. i'd say it a thousand times over if it'd weaken you in the slightest. if there's anything worse than one person feeling this way it's two. and i thought i could be our cure

it was cold out tonight



Insomnia

and i replaced my sleep with poorly lit roads. cause i'd say what i meant but i'm always talking in code. in the back of my mind couldn't figure out what to do, but every road lead back to you. i want to drink heavily into the night, until i'm too drunk and stupid to fight. because you say i'm so unhappy, but i think you're jealous that i'm not. maybe i'll pass out in this piece of shit room and pray tomorrow gives me something better to wake up to



Cheshire cat

i saw this cat in the shadow of an oak tree in the middle of the night. i couldn't decide if it was just my imagination as i passed it by. it didn't move an inch, only stared back at me. it was as if the thing saw straight through me, knowing i am just as frail as it and no threat. thoughts of stopping to interact with it faded from me as quickly as it's position behind me. i only wonder if it's still out there in the cold so tired, hurt, hungry, unfeeling. how long will it sit in the street before somebody picks it from the pavement?



Monsters

you know maybe you were right. maybe i am just another piece of shit guy. maybe my life is full of lies. maybe i am just looking after myself. maybe i don't give a fuck about you. maybe i know all the right things to say and all the right stories to tell. maybe i know how to sweet talk every girl i come across. maybe i have a smile that kills. maybe i'm heartless. or maybe you're wrong and you should keep that monster in your past where it belongs. because maybe, just maybe, i am the good person i claim to be



Clockwork

so i offered up my arm and walked you to your door

we stole ourselves away in your unkempt apparment

managed a few whispers so soft words don't matter

and we'll sleep away the afternoon

as these storm clouds deny the sun

when i manage to wake up and walk out

the real show begins as you fall to pieces

pacing round your living room floor

on your hundredth lap tears streak from your eyes

as my name escapes your memories

and you wake up to find yourself in a tidy home

in an empty bed

surrounded in unwrinkled sheets



Epitaph

tonight i burned all your letters away
inside a cinder block on my gravel drive
you tried to make my world seem a little smaller
by associating yourself with my past friends and lovers
so i've left you to replay those movies in your mind
where you'd never accept you'd been left behind

r.i.p.



Dearest

we sat with our arms crossed
our spirits and minds lost
i didn't feel right
under these bright lights
i couldn't find sounds to make
to get this silence to break
no amount of me or anything i could be
would suffice and i became blue
the void grew
as i tried to latch onto
a disenchanted you
so i threaded my lips tightly shut
and prayed quietly my best would be enough



My mind is a prison

panic took a seat beside me and beckoned for my attention. i turned my head but my focuses had been suberted. these sirens went off, i screamed inside but could only manage a sigh. i crossed my arms holding myself that much more closely and shrank away. i mumbled a few words hoping i'd throw you off. i had all these plans but the more i thought about them the more fragile i became. something could save me if i could bring myself to accept it



Comfort

i hoped, i wished, i pleaded, and i prayed that you'd disappear from the face of the earth. nothing i've ever done could take you from my mind or calm my nerves. so i'll lie restless each night feeling nothing but these unwrinkled sheets by my side. i'll hear nothing but your voice, the voice that would have, could have, should have been at least whispering to me as i drift into and out of a dreamless sleep. i became as empty and unimaginative as every room you don't occupy in your silent house, when you helped me realize i meant nothing not only to you but myself. how long have i kept you alive in these letters? i'd rather have loved and lost than erase you completely. half dead half alive and wholly distraught, i will be haunted forevermore by this existence apart from you



Night life

important ideas have come to me and they pose some questions with answers i'm not quite certain of. for the first time i'm beginning to ask myself it'd be such a bad thing to know and love something than to never know at all. i've becoming really attracted to these pictures of cityscapes lit up by the sick glow of street lamps and the streaks of vehicles passing by, the ghostly images of people in motion. the image of myself on a street corner standing still with all these people, things, events, days and nights all passing by seems to depict my life well. there have been several would be, could be, should have been girls in my life. though they may not have been perfect they were all amazing people in their own way. as their eyes lit up and they showed me care and concern i busied myself with thoughts and plans of pushing them away before they could leave me behind or taking my life. i'm wondering if in all that time spent thinking i still missed the important details or lack thereof. they could have been memories and time spent together instead of smudges left on the canvas of my mind. i chose to be silent and alone over a chance of happiness, out of fear for something that may or may not have ever been. i left myself with what i wanted to avoid: questions. i ask myself if i did the right thing or how things may have ended up if i chose another route. if i'm asking myself these things i must have made the wrong choice. i left things unfinished. did i leave them falling apart or asking themselves the same things? maybe i meant nothing at all and affected nothing. i hope i'd be a decent memory in the minds of those i truly care for, because truth be told i really want to be remembered as something more than nothing. before the night on that street corner ends i'll be trying to become part of the motion instead of the boy left behind



Tell your friends I'm not myself again

i have some things to confess. it's probably just another reiteration or the pieces i gave you glued together to form a sloppy whole. all i've ever wanted was to be loved and not left alone. a big part of my negative mindset comes from my parents divorce back when i was four. i know i shouln't try to fall back and blame everything on that. the truth is it probably has affected me more the past few years than it ever had before. when i was younger i was so overwhelmed by the feeling of desersion and the lack of understanding that i focused more on hiding everything away from everybody instead of dealing with the problems around me. my father was a sick person who did so many unforgivable things, he didn't have to be around to affect me. as i started growing older i just lost my faith in everything and stopped trusting everybody. i became suicidal when i saw nothing was changing and nobody wanted me. now it's to the point where i understand what happened between my parents and i just want more than anything to not end up the same way. i don't think i could even make it that far anymore though, this whole thing has paralyzed me so much that i can't even let anybody in or i've said too much or not enough that i've scarred my image in everyone's mind. i became the outcast of my family once my mother remarried and had her second child. i started going out all the time to get away from the arguing, the criticism, the neglect. i tried to talk to my family about my problems, i tried to talk to my sister about my problems, my friends, teachers, strangers, anybody. it helped at first but i eventually saw that these memories weren't going away, they were just becoming fresh in my mind. i thought if i let everything go it'd clear my head. all it did was make me lose friends, people think i overreact or i lie when i give them everything they want. if everything i have isn't enough for people to care or accept and deal with me then i don't know what i'm supposed to do. so i sit here every night putting off sleep for as long as possible. when i lie down to sleep and pull the covers to my neck and burry my head in the pillows i don't let out a sigh of relief, this is my hell. i waste away hours at a time thinking myself into torturous worry. i remember just how alone i am in the silent dark and i feel those phantom hands at my sides, that empty space beside me. i pray i die in my sleep or wake up from this nightmare. i can't say that love or a girl to hold me daily would cure this because i haven't ever loved and haven't been held in the longest time. for what it's worth i know it'd distract me long enough to forget some of this if only for a time and if you could take some of this weight off my shoulders maybe i could muster a true smile. i would give everything for someone to love and to love me. the only thing in this world i fear is dying alone. killing myself would be dying alone right? well i'd rather die young than having lived out my life just to find love, to find nothing. this is the only reason i exist. without love, without togetherness, without hope; i have nothing, i am nothing. i've lived as and with the lack thereof. i've prayed and wished and hoped myself dry. i've lived for the dreams i no longer have and wonder around my now quickly decaying mind. where all my decent thoughts now end in tragedy. where i think of you looking over my dead body or my friends leave me alone or i find my love and she dies. so i've lived depending greatly on my friends, their support, their guidance. now it's to the point where they're fed up with me, they think i'm looking for attention, or they think i'm making this all up. well i'm here to tell you this is no story. i'm well beyond the point of caring for my own life and other peoples' want of my existence. i'm never happy anymore, everything is an act to throw you all off, and i can't stand to be around anyone as they mock or complain at me. i couldn't care less if i was good enough for any of you because you're making yourselves nothing to me. so as i plot my own death and in these next days, weeks, or months that lead up to it i'll beg that somebody will love me, sombody will give me a reason to rise in the mornng and lay with me each night, that a girl might stop me because myself and my life are not enough reason to stop and carry on. if you're out there somewhere and you feel for me you shouldn't be too shy to say something to me. as stupid as it may sound; i'm no liar, i have nothing left to lose, and nothing left to hide



Nero

my hand coupled in yours
you took the pencil and taught me to draw
willingly drew a line through my heart
three fourths your's
and a blackened shaded sliver for me
i saw you dressed in red
your eyes violently vibrant
that infinite gentleness
that pierced my being to the very core
shattered me into a million pieces
and scattered me across the ocean floor
i've been stumbling round these depths
trying to pull myself together
but the only thing that guides me
your feigning vibrance only lights my way
deeper, further, into a nothingness
apart from you, and i can't help but fall for you everytime
i can hear the faint wobbly echoes
all the things i've dreamt
all the things i've whispered
that broke my voice in two
dying off in the background
unnoticed, unrecognized, without regret
reflecting against my skull
reverberating, amplifying in this expanse
my personal critique, my self criticism
a welcoming hell
a welcoming enemy and my worst fear
i am alone with myself
this is how it feels to be detached from your own being
to not understand the very existence you've become a part of
you've been created into
i wasn't meant to be, i wasn't meant to live
and here i am part of my opposition
trying to indulge in life
trying to fight off nothingness, meaninglessness
but i don't know what any of this means
i don't know what it is to be and be without
i've no idea what i'm supposed to want or need
or if i'm to want or need at all
unable to fix that which i can't declare
unstable, broken, wrong
life is supposed to be about a false independence
one that's completely dependent upon all
we can't be meant to live and die alone
we come from togetherness
so when i bring myself back together
or i dissolve along the way
and i make it back to the surface
i won't be looking for my creator nor my destroyer
i'll be looking for my other half
if you love
now is the time to talk



everything i've ever said, done, written, drawn, captured, freed, sung, played, love and hated has never been enough. enough to strike a conversation, a thought, a laugh, it's never pulled on heartstrings, never made you cry, never made you feel. that's okay because everytime it shreds me to pieces. a balance is found for everything. i know i'll never find the words or images to show you what i mean, what i see, how i feel, what i want. i can't promise much but i won't cease to be until i understand how



Your smile makes me fall to pieces

paper words

glass flowers

the ink ran and withered away

i passed out in a stupor

and awoke fucked

enough to loosen up

choked on the words

and vommited up a little true love

watch the weakened smirk

fracture across my face

i dreamt all the things to say

but not a single sound could escape my lips

a little weak in the knees

i sank like a stone in the sea



Shiver

infatuation and love are not one and the same

she said i craved her body not her soul

let's pretend for a second that i care

living breathing feeling recognizing

she's more than an idea; a person

pretend my dreams mean something

sitting in the backseat i watched

the skies and landscapes flicker into and out of existence

and of all things i desperately, silently pray

that i may once mean something to someone

that i might not be tossed away

that i might steal someone's sleep

that you can't willingly give up on and ignore my life

as i scream these things in my head i remember

it's all a dream and you're something real

seperate we struggle for meaning

it's fucking stupid; meaning and togetherness are synonyms in my universe

but nobody seems to understand or trust enough

to let their guards and facades down

i'll rap upon your door with bloodied fists

in the hopes you might one day open up and let me in



What were we so afraid of

what were we so afraid of

we'd conquered embarrassment, death, failure

we knew no shame and we bathed in innocence

but i could never overcome the loneliness your smile stirred in me

or the frown i seemed bring to your face

gravity drew me to you

and worked even harder to push me away

maybe if i had a few minutes i'd leave shyness behind

and i'd work up the nerve to hold your hand

my heart beat on widly

and i choked on the words in the background

i drowned this all away in cigarette smoke and booze

the sun spilt upon my face every morning

i remembered you exist

and i remembered the reason i'd rise from bed



Willow

we sat together on the porch of our summer home staring up at the night sky as clear as could be. we held one another and hummed ourselves to sleep with nameless lullabies by flickering candle light. as we woke the next morning with everything we'd ever wanted you curled yourself into a ball carving "thank you's" into your wrists while i drank you away. we knew horror in happiness and bordem in comfort. we lied sulking alone because enough is not enough; i was never good enough for you and you were too good for me. some sort of excitement came from the chaos of sorrow and fear, where i'd kill myself in my mind everyday just to see your face. we crumpled our hearts out by the lake and vommited up our promises one last time for shame's sake before we headed back to our lifeless, friendless, loveless paradise - home



Sorrow

i've been really sad lately, i feel this foreboding creeping up on me. it's made me quiet and scared to say or do much of anything. i feel like i'm missing something right infront of me and i can't do anything to stop myself. i wish i could have had a father. i can't believe everywhere around me and amidst all those i care for divorce is showing it's toothless grin. i still feel as though what happened between my parents is my fault and we'd be in a better place if i could have made it stop. i hate all the things that've happened to me and how used up and empty i feel, and there's nothing i can do about it. i hate how secluded and distant it's made me from everybody else. it's made everything so much more difficult than it should be. i shouldn't have to argue with myself over wanting to be close to somebody, over taking things away from myself before they can leave me. if it's all so evident then why can't we make it stop? i don't want to have to break down the walls other people build because they're afraid to be hurt. i don't want embarrassment or awkwardness. i just want things to be. so i guess you just do the things you want and hope for the best. kind of hard to accept the fact that you have no control over anything you really care about though. the past and the memories it leaves with us, holds more horror than the evils of all men. man can be forgotten and destoryed but memories exist forevermore and can become more untame over time. they strike fear into us, sending us into an unending and unfeeling paralysis where we're forced to watch everything we love pass us by for fear of loss. the things that don't exist are the most unnerving because we can only create it in our minds and lose control of it. then it becomes some sort of reality that we need another to point out to us and help us cope with. we'll call this sorrow; we've created it and we can't make it stop



Box

we woke early sunday afternoon and fixed ourselves up nice to keep the crouds at bay. surrounded ourselves in cardboard backdrops and pink bouquets. the sun sets the stage lights dim and daddy's hand raises to praise the lord. his raging fit and beatings handed out as fast as he chased the whiskey and pills. we held one another and were still in our contentment. our family collapsed in this house of leaves



Friction

we left concrete monuments in our wake jutting up to the heavens to cry our victory. darkness looms above and beyond calling us out of our homes. the sickly glow of streetlamps mark the divide; the end of the world. all is still. only the dead populate the darkness of a daily buslting hell. striding off into the cold unknown as shadows creeping along. no name not even a number; a sight better left as unseen in your eyes as your child left put to sleep by the sounds of synthetic imitation. life caught fire as far as eyes could see, celebrating our triumphant end. in fruitless motion we realize we only stand still and lack the courage to look one another in the eye. our fates are sealed and the same for the sake of purpose. casting existence away in all this muddled glory for nothing more than dictation and closure, we become nothing more than topiary in the ashen labyrinth



Medusa

turned away at your leisure, well it was your court. i never shared the part of an onlooker, i never sought the throne, nor to play the part of the fool. i only wanted a place by your side. we seek the greatness in others to make it a part of ourselves. your's lies either in theatre or you're too much of a narcissist to give a little. i condemn you to continue blindly fixated upon yourself until your demise so that you might not bring about an end to others



Phantasmagoria

scribbled words desperately written in the moment of inspiration. where everything for a second has meaning. as you lay yourself down you can't help but feel that foreboding. you pray for stilleto stillness, a comfort of knowing eternal rest. a torrent of memories only pours on. our skin was the only thing keeping us here. minds wander freely to the places physicality will never know. heaviness settles in and we begin to wonder whether this is the bridge between our hopes and dreams. death never thought of as an answer only an attraction. would we wake up on the other side or finally give into silhouette designs. all these medicines never made your ghost depart they only amplified my lust for something palpable. if i raked away at your flesh in this heat i wonder if i'd ever find your soul. did you really believe you awoke each morning? it was only another dream. how many fathoms have you dove to find nothing but these empty white pages. the whole library has become a white room your skull the padding you cast your questions endlessly upon. the whiskey and chalk sets it all a blur. lights over exposed and these hallways have become nothing more than the ashen remains of your tomb. you've become so comfortably numb strapped with your eyelids taped back. you've erased nothing more than the room around you. the people orbit around as shapeless forms mourning not your pathetic shell but the shadow that hides your face. words hacking away. your flesh those sheets we shared and that perfume can no longer disguise the scent of your decay. fuck it all away and carve another line like trophys in your spotlight. was it his face or the words that plagued your mind like the light pouring on your face every morning. no longer feeling warmth only rising to cower away from the punishment you've written for yourself. life is only a word and you exist for an idea. realizing you meant nothing to find yourself standing in a shadow cast by crosses. their noses all resting in books while their pockets were picked. save our shriveled paper hearts from your cigarette ashes as you pace the rooftops contemplating lies. yours and maybe my own. written in spilled ink settling in the shape of a crow scoffing, your attempts at misery. a waltz meeting applause hands adorned with jewelry as tarnished as your faith. should've known by the shadows, the dark lines beneath your eyes, and the most wounded set of lips. quiver a bit and look away in defeat. a dawning sense of understanding, once again casting away any chance of meaning for an emptiness, drugs, and vampires leeching away every ounce of warmth. lights out as you depart, better that it's all become formless motion. imagination has faded giving way to knowledge, you've won, does it feel any more comfortable? it's the x's i've drawn all over your face, a warning to all who might walk hand and hand with witches adorning masks. helpless, flawless, meaningless. this place void of oxygen steals your screams away as you're devoured inside out: regret, defeat, terror. wash away these things we've never known, can it hurt if you deny it's existence? SOS. cinderblock kisses goodnight send us off to heaven



Synapse

check my vitals and if you feel a pulse just remember it's only the ghost you wanted all along. it wasn't you twisting the blade in my back. you were the only one front and center light me a fire with your smile. defacing me and i knew they were lies all along i only prayed for once i'd be wrong. i'm wrong about this whole thing though aren't i? truth be told i'm not angry at anyone or anything. i'm not disappointed or scared. this is about nothing more than an end to pain, of course there's no guarantee that's where this will lead. i'm not afraid to admit i've become a little desperate but if this is all you can offer me then i died long ago. promises fade with people and they've all faded away. i feel these hands grasping at my heels as i rise through the roof. maybe i mean something but this means nothing to me. so i'm selfish and so i should be. i gave myself and you gave me nothing back, maybe it's resentment or jealousy. we were always on different planes i just thought a little sacrafice might stairstep me to you. turns out letting go and letting down were nothing more than concrete shoes ushering me to the ocean floor. a little courtesy and wounded words are all you sent me off with and it was supposed to make this all so much easier. though you spared me questions i still found questions of my own and i only sought a lead line and seared flesh to help me overflow. couldn't be so kind, one more chance to find out what we're made of. ten times your dose enough to numb the crowds and stifle their sighs. take notice the streams, time for a final embrace, dim the blinds on your way out. my iris, years absorbed, betrays the sullen serenity you exposed. so wreckless, caring only for yourself; our needs the same, it's better only one comes out alive. she sings a lullaby for daddy lulling his fears away, gravity sets in and and pulls him back home. mommy only set him afire by tempting fortune, she swept us up and flung us to fate as her dice. he's become dilirious in liquid angelic comfort and painted us a picture: desperate red memories, a memory in itself that we'll carry with us for all time. blame will fall as it may making it easier to justify the means. i kept anger from you as it tore away at me. whispering flee, touch me one last time. pretend this is an end to abandonment as you abandon your better half. drape my lifeless body round your neck so that this decision and my memory might be a shield from your ignorance, your emptiness, your regrets. "it is" we'll cry because we all know the fault sleeps with you and denial will be nothing more than the hell that awaits. let us spread it as thin as it can go so that it might be a blanket of guilt shared by all. was the burning glare only enough to raise an edge. the stage must be yours to waltz alone as the disciples drag the lake for any sign. my voice will reverberate against the hollow insides of your head and ask it's worth, one we'll never know. the steam upon your sill will be my breath begging you to let me out of the cold. i'll wonder these streets, their sick glow sinking in illuminating nothing beyond. in life and death lonliness will be our only comfort. distractions holding until our own thoughts become the waking dream. that which will never be holding hands with the things you cower from, becoming fear and seclusion. all motion stops recognizing your impenetrable facade. so intent fueling your artificially induced despondency you can't see you manipulate your own strings. your pangs will subside when your realize it's all for and over naught. let anything mean something and you'll recognize a reality and a wretchedness all it's own. it was the cruelty of existence and awarness that made us abominable not our cages. leave the world undisturbed, unaware, unrecognizable. if we're all marionettes who or what is pulling the strings. it's that will to live and where does it come from how do we find it each morning as we separate dreams and dreams within themselves. i could never figure this out and so willless an answer was nowhere to comfort the loss, giving way to departure. strings connect us, sever enough and we fall. wouldn't be so polite to grasp at your heels as i plummet, i suppose dragging another for comfort in the darkness. for in life and death i'll know singularity and one question posed to you remains: is there meaning without?



So

i've realized what this is all about. it's about people. people mean everything to me. nothing in my mind means anything without them and why should it? everything i am came from those around me. i took on all the frailties and because i always ran i never found my way out. so i'm taking and running off with what i get before anything is taken from me. i don't have much to give and everytime i do it's either not enough or it's taken for granted. honestly you can fuck off. people always try to write these things off as attention getters and that's exactly what it is isn't it? except even something like my own death isn't about me. you took it all and made it your own. i never asked for anything, i never even implied it. i think what this is really about your insecurities. you have to build these things up to feel like you mean something to somebody. incase you haven't fucking noticed i said this wasn't some sort of competition. i like how my wanting to kill myself makes me a sinister force in other peoples' lives. it's not about me killing myself it's about me trying to hurt people by doing it. if i were really full of myself why would i want to end my life? of course i don't want to feel pain, i let it pour on enough and who really wants to feel more than they have to? so i'm a sick mother fucker because i do or don't realize the effects my behavior has on other people? stop for a second and think about what you're implying. we all effect other people regardless of what we do. so i guess that makes us all sick mother fuckers, just me especially because i'm suffering and don't want to deal with it in your way. again if this were about attention why would i kill myself, then i wouldn't be able to lavish in it right? if the only thing that people will remember about me is the fact that i've killed myself, then i guess i never really meant anything to anybody or did anything worth remembering so maybe i won't have really existed at all. see the thing is i don't fear being weak like you, so if i kill myself i won't worry about that. i couldn't care less about how i'm viewed, if you do i suggest you take some time out to think about your life. i'm handling reality, it's admitting that i'm not happy and don't want to continue this way. again it comes back to people. if there are no people it all means nothing. it's not about loneliness, it's not about attention, it's not about fear. there is no meaning and no people to fill the holes so there's nothing left. you know for a second there i almost thought it was okay. i actually thought what if, but then i remembered there was never anything stopping me. you helped prove that nothing really meant anything. it wasn't enough to talk, there needs to be proof. so i'm dying to prove that this is real because otherwise you're right even if you're wrong and it makes me the big selfish lying asshole



Dear juliet

i never found romeo and juliet to be the masterpiece that everybody made it out to be. i am romeo the hopeless, lost, morose romantic. unlike him i have never met my love. unlike him i am here alone, drinking my poison alone. i wonder to myself what has it all been for? why have i spent my entire life suffering? what have i been fighting so hard to live for? has every feeling, every thought, every action been in vain? will i really die here alone? have i really given up all hope, all care? maybe this has all been a terrible nightmare and when i die i will wake up where i'm meant to be. maybe i will finally be comforted, maybe i will be worse off, maybe i'll feel the same. i begin to wonder if i've made a terrible mistake. have i really left my love alone? will she live on without me, will she ever know my name, my face, my words? will she be happy, will she know another love? have i cast her into oblivion? will she be abused, beaten, raped, all because of my mistake? will she succumb to the same fate as me? i have shown weakness, my lack of mental and physical strength, my dashed will. i have lived in dreams, but i can't help but wonder if in time they would have become realities. i saw her once in the most fleeting of dreams. she smiled at me in red dress and i knew meaning. i wonder has she been with me this whole time. have i been dying in her arms and has it been my blood that's forever stained her white wedding dress? it's in these final thoughts that i finally realize the terror of death. for death is permanence, i cannot take this back and i will never know the answers to the questions i have always asked. like romeo in death i will know irony



Fate

"For he loved her, as you can only love someone who is an echo of yourself at your time of deepest sorrow."



Some girl

i want some girl not any girl

one who will dance with me, not for me

one who will love me for the person i am, not the person i can be made into

one who can find good in everything

one who will smile and laugh with me

one who gives the biggest and most loving hugs in the world

one who doesn't care what everyone else thinks

one who doesn't care to get a little messy sometimes

one who captivates and surprises me



Leave me be

there are two things in this world that do not last

life
> do no exist
love

you will eventually stop

and you're right you don't give a fuck. this world is made up of don't give a fuck's. your attitude is don't give a fuck. you don't give a fuck about my wishes, which is why you continually disrespect them. you've been given reasons upon reasons, maybe if you gave a fuck you'd have enough sense to search for the answer. actions, namely your own, speak much louder. you are lazy, this is why you do not know. you don't give a fuck, this is why you do not know

maybe you will ponder my decision for the rest of your life. this is very doubtful. should it happend to be the case, however, maybe you will learn something from the whole thing. i highly doubt you could possibly attain anything from this minscule and unmeaningful event in yours and mine life. you will hold onto it as long as possible but it will eventually fade. i will grant you once more the truth that i've commited myself to and tell you that i am not worth it. i am a lost person and death cannot come soon enough for me

because you see i live for one thing, it's not such an intelligent thing to put your will to live on a single idea; when it fails you lose the will to live. when you die you realize that your life was a waste and therefore you are filled with only great disappointment and regret. you only see the failures and shortcomings in your life, you become blind to any positive aspect that you might once have dwelled upon

i am cursed, no such thing i'm sure. i don't expect to ever get what i want because i'm past the point where i could have gotten it. so that leaves me with one thing: i will pursue my failure and until that day comes i will devote myself to an understanding. no such thing, i know

i am an example to everybody, make use of it you selfish pathetic useless rotting piece of flesh. maybe you can pull yourself from a meaningless existence at my expense

you've gotten what you've wanted, leave me be



...

i'm a piece of shit

because i care too much

because i worry about things too much

because i'm a guy and that means all i care about is sex

because all i want is for someone to truly care about me

because i'm not able prove that i truly care

because i can't talk face to face

because i blow every chance i get

because i don't want to feel alone

because i don't want to be cheated on

because i move too fast

because i can't help but fuck everything up for myself even though i should know better by now

because i'm scared

because i tell the truth and sometimes it's too much

because i don't hold any feelings back

because i am me

because i'm selfish

feel free to add anything i left out because i know there are many more reasons

i'm sorry for everything and i wish i knew how i could've done it better

i don't know everything, and starting over is the hardest thing i've ever done

i'm sorry



This is your last chance to say goodbye

since nobody seems to give a fuck anymore i'm done

so please say your piece if you care to, before i disappear from the face of the earth

thanks and take care



Flawed

we are all flawed. nobody is perfect and i pitty those who strive for perfection. our flaws are what make us individuals. flaws shouldn't be looked at as imperfections but as gifts. i am ashamed of myself for not realizing this much sooner, but i am no better than any other person. i've been called amazing by many people for many different reasons. i am not amazing, i am kevin. i am me, i have many flaws, and while i could use a lot of work i feel that i am a good person. and with that i'll say my piece. i see all your flaws and in my eyes they come together to make you the most perfectly flawed person. you are me and you are everything i wish i could be. don't follow in the poor example i've set. do what's right for you. if you want to do something in my name, do what i've never been able to do. live your life and be happy no matter how bad things may get because there is so much left for you. never in my life have i been so happy than to come to this realization. the answers are so simple and i knew them all along, it just took me a while to accept them. these may be my last words to you and i'll let you take them as you will. i love you for everything you are, were, and will become



Go ahead

tell me how much i fucked up, ignore me, do whatever you want. none of you are even thinking. this is not a joke, this is my fucking life. all of you who care about me and are now upset with me because of the way things have turned out need to stop and think about what you're doing. you're upset with me when i'm alive. isn't that what you wanted? would you rather me be dead? i know you all care and i've told you that so quit saying that i don't understand how much you care because i do and i appreciate everything you've done for me



Mmm

a gentle and caring, but firm grasp around his arm

a playful tug turns his attention from the door

a smile overcomes him as he turns

she draws him near

their eyes meet for a moment

noses rub affectionately

her lips collide with his

such warmth, such surprise

electricity

actions, words, details vanish

realization dawns, vision slowly fades

innocence returned

a moment, an eternity

sparks the night

life is returned

the night speaks truth but we never listen

fifteen steps out the door

such a journey

let the rain soak in

let the soul know

take a seat

time to ponder

run

hours, questions in every droplet

commitment not to be broken



Summary

i wish i could paint a picture, it would be a picture of everything

a white canvas, my brush a shotgun and my head the paint

and it would tell a story of pain, of death, of happiness, of lonelyness, of war, of love, of hate, of everything. and it would be too much and nobody would ever understand, but i would and i'd want to share it with the world

you would see birds and clouds and an ocean, you would see a mother and a father, you'd see a little boy and girl, you would see so much

i would give my heart away to make them happy, i wish it would just break, instead it just cracks and one more line is drawn into it and it becomes more and more frail

and it aches, a pain you will never know and hands follow suit because it's all the resolve i've ever known

and i would wrap my hands around his neck like a noose and watch a myriad of colors display across his face and i wouldn't feel and she wouldn't be there to stop me

i wouldn't cry, i wouldn't run, i wouldn't even care, because it's all done. and they would never know. i would walk through the aisles and i would put so many to rest, not because they deserved it but because i would make the decision for them and by the time they knew it'd be too late

and there would be mourning and anger and i wouldn't care because i'd have already been there, i'd have been dead



My lapel

this is the ballroom i am standing in the middle and there are so many dancers around me. it's hard to see anything but the movement of their bodies. there is this dull glint off to the side. outside of the crowd, off the dance floor. and she is so beautiful but i can't reach her, i can't even see her. and i'll cry and they'll dance like so many fences surrounding me. i can't reach her there are too many and i don't want to hurt them as i push through. i could scream my head off to her but she'll never hear. the music is too loud, there are too many voices, and mine is just one to be lost in the commotion. she can't see me, she can't hear me, she doesn't know that i exist. she only sees the dancers. she is fixated on the pendulum as it counts away her time. will she rise and walk to the door or will i make it to her in time?



Silhouette

tumultuous stir

egregious apprehension

steps ascend

a morose saunter

contemplative introspection

accumulative abhorrence

effulgent precipice

stiletto silhouette collapse

a cacophonous acclamation

you'll listen to their lies

arms thrown wide

you will never fly

if you're lucky

the only thing that will ever catch you

will be the fucking ground

pray for it

those hyena's look hungry

and the vultures will follow you all the way

to pick your every being apart

piece by sweet piece

and i am horrible dear?



Life

read this at your own will

because you may very well not want to be my friend afterward

this is me being brutally honest

it's not everything but i believe it's enough

i'm sorry if i hurt anybody over this

so where am i exactly?
i'm not really sure anymore
not that i ever was really sure to begin with
i just feel so far gone, so removed from myself
i don't want to do anything, i'm not interested anymore
and why?
what has made me lose all passion for everything in life?
i have many many good friends now
they make me happy
they care about me
why am i pushing them away?
do i really have to do all this on my own?
what if they really can help me?
i'm thinking about death again
it's not nice
the plans i sit and formulate
calling them all into town
telling them to bring anyone and everyone they can
if they want
because that will be the last time they'll ever see me
and i'll be waiting on the roof
and i'll have barred they door so no police officers or anybody else can stop me
and i'll announce that this is my day to die
that i appreciate everything they have ever done for me
that i know they care
that i love and forgive every single one of them
and that i hope they can do the same for me
i'll tell them how this feeling will not go away
how i hurt so badly and only want relief
but god will not grant it to me
i'll ask them to not think of this as a sad day
it can be happy
this is what i want
can't they be happy for me?
i'll take a step back
i'll close my eyes and take a deep breath
taking everything in
every smell, every noise
i'll look up into the sky
for truth, for acceptance
i'll look down at my hands
and i'll take a few bounds forward
my foot will push off from the very edge of the building
i'll throw my arms wide
i am flying
and this moment will last an eternity
in theirs and in my mind
i'll look at them as i sore
i'll apologize
i'll look back to the ground
and i will not close my eyes
i'll see this through to the very end
the ground will fill my vision
earth in every direction
everywhere i look
there will be a momentary shock and pain
stiletto
and i will be released
will i see the face of god?
will i regret it?
do i really need a girl?
would i be so much happier if i did?
what is it about having one around that makes things so much easier?
i have friends and they make things easier
how is that any different?
maybe my friends care more than any girl
i want to go back and be a kid again
i just want a mom and a dad
and i just want to see them happy together
i want them to hold me in their arms
i'm crying
i want them to teach me to ride a bike
and tell me that my drawings are good
i want them to accept me for everything i am
for everything i care about
i want my dad to be there to teach me everything there is to being a man
i want to see them together at christmas
to help me unwrap the presents and take pictures
i'm falling apart and i can't stop crying
i want to see a picture of my whole family together
i want to know my sister
i want us to go on vacations together
i want to know what love is
i don't ever want to know what this pain is
i don't want to know anything
i just want to live in blissful ignorance
i don't understand you all
and you don't understand me
why can't you just accept the fact that i am hurting?
you criticize me
this is real, oh so real
everyday i hurt more and more
and it won't go away
you think i like wanting to die?
this isn't for fucking attention
i sat there for years just watching all of you
not understanding a single thing you did
how could you be happy when i was so sad?
and i sat there completely silent
wishing that i could talk to people
that i could be your friend
but i was too scared
and i didn't know how
i just didn't want to be hurt anymore
and i couldn't trust anybody
i lied to all of you about everything
and you never knew
i lied to myself
it's pretty bad when you're so good at lying that you start to believe
the reason you can't fucking believe me is because this all seems like it came out of nowhere
but i've been this way my whole life
i'm sorry that i couldn't share until now
i sat there and thought about how much i hated my father
myself
everything
i blamed myself for everything because nobody else deserves it
i put up my fucking shield for all of you
to protect you from everything
from me
i just wanted it to stop so we could get on with life
but it doesn't
this is bigger than me
i would day dream all day, everyday
thinking of all the ways i could die
and it's all so vivid and i can remember every single way to this day
i used to think about killing people
all these things quenched a thirst
it brought some kind of sick happiness
and how does it feel to know you're crazy but never share it with anybody else?
and they took me to the doctors
but they were stupid
even as a kid i was smarter than them
i knew what they were trying to do
and i lied to them too
i eventually decided it was time to stop
i cried so much and i screamed and hated
and i rejected god
i told him to kill me so many times
i begged and prayed for death
but i could never be so lucky
and so i told god to leave me
and you feel so hollow
things had to change
i was tired of being unhappy
tired of wanting to die
tired of maintaining a wall
but how?
how do you make such a drastic change?
and i searched and searched and searched
and nothing worked
it made me angry
but i finally figured it out one day
all you have to do is stop
and i did
things started to get better
things were still hard but i was trying
fighting to be different
but i was never really better
i only told myself i was
i was really just rejecting everything
telling myself that none of it was real, that it was all some kind of twisted dream
i started dealing with people
i was so far behind; i didn't know how to be
and so i did what i do best, i acted, i lied
i did things to please people
i tried to fight
Unfortunately this is incomplete because the site won't allow anymore text