The moon spangles
like shining fish
dappling
on the huge orange-peel flesh
of the ocean
its bathroom-glass surface
black with the night
now revealed
by the bright phalanx
of sparkling white travellers
sent by the satellite
to dance
just for me
from the horizon
to my very feet
they arrange themselves
neatly chaotic
exotic and everday
this night
sometimes
the world just feels
right
Author notes
Okay , it's a bit flowery.But I was out on my bike on a night spin and I had to go down to the water for ..well, and there it was! This big moon making little shapes on water - all in a row - just for me. And there was no-one to share the moment with. So I tried to bring it here.
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1 - 16 of 16
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You paint a beautiful picture. The imagery is great. I can almost see the moonlit ocean when I close my eyes. I love the end, where the world feels just right. And that exquisite way you have of using few words, knowing where to break lines, and what words should stand alone to be the most powerful. It often sounds like you have the most gorgeous places to bike through. I really love this WH. I'm glad you brought the moment here to share with us.
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Hey ! you're a girl aren't you!? You're supposed to think this stuff is ROMANTIC.
Sheeeesh! I wouldn't like to be trying to warm YOU up by the light of the moon! Girls are supposed to like flowers!
Those lines in stanza 2 are very smart - I'm just not sure why! And what do you mean 'too big a brush'? LOL ! I thought size mattered!
I may never recover from this. I'll never be romantic again! Boo hooooooooooooooooooo ! You're a hard woman!
Whineover
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you bet its flowery...if you were the one doing the reviewing this is wat you would say:
the last three lines in your first stanza is jus pushing it.( you make me think of fairies dancing, prancing to and fro)
what are you trying to say from lines 3 in stanza 2?
is that a tongue twister or a brain buster.?lol
anyway i understand that you were trying to capture the moment and honestly you paint the picture quite clearly.. probaly with too big a brush... but your use of imagery is over the top.
its a bit too heavy in some spots but its still doesnt change the fact that its windhover's
so instantly it appeals to me.lol
good work
u achieved what you ste out to do.. capture the moment
. Rewarded 4
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my cup of tea
Really liked this piece, you capture the nightime view of the ocean perfectly. -
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Thanks Bill
That's all I could hope for. >W<
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Okay
It was a good poem. -
wow!
loved it. especially coz it reminded me of a special nite, when the world didnt just feel rt, it felt brilliant...(and i didn't even need to pee
) but back to your poem..
Lines 1 to 6... love the descriptions. economy of words, is one thought that pops into my head at the moment.
about line 7, nothing about the poem, but I am a little surprised that the water was still all black with that much moonshine...
lines 11 to 13. perfect.
also love lines 17, 18.
neatly chaotic
exotic and everday... oxymorons, well used..
Particularly like the fact that u've contained the word flow.. it's very descriptive, but the snappiness (is that a word?) saves it from the flowery. love it. as usual.
. Rewarded 4
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wow ! back
What a flattering and detailed comment! I like this poem better by the minute! Thanks heaps for the encouragement. About line 7 - you'll have to trust me. The image is a poor one compared to the one I saw that night.Really appreciate the comment! >W<
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thanks for sharing!
i know the feeling that "sometimes, the world just feels right" and a bit sad that it's not everyday or everytime ( though, of course, its all up to me!).
I like that this is short giving me the feeling of a shortlived happy feeling,and yet, you know, will be remembered for a long time.and then again, there's a mixture of some undefined overlapping emotions. I know, if I were watching this moonlight alone, I would have cried and didn't know why. LOL!
a pleasant write!
L. Rewarded 4
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wow this one is very interesting. I have never thought of such things while on a latenight walk on the beach, but it may come to mind later in my life! Very beautiful image you give. (as usual) It is great, though the words are not what I would have choosen...how likly would i write a poem as this? lol.
good job, again!
~ ashley jones. Rewarded 4
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Not flowery-- wonderfully descriptive. I LOVE lines 4 & 6-- orange peel finish and bathroom glass describe exactly the surface of the sea. I am always delighted with such precise and evocative phrasing.
With such a peaceful and enchanting sight, how could the world not be right?. Rewarded 4
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Lovely, indeed!
Ah, Windhover, you've done it: the poem and the poet are one. A moment of at-one-ment, if I may say.
You're a master of one of my favorite devices, the slanted rhyme, whether end- or internal:
spangled - dappling
bathroom - black with
fish - flesh
orange peel - revealed
phalanx - dance.
And the imagery of "dimpled" comes through with grace:
orange peel, spangled, bathroom-glass (I love that), and sparkling. And besides, "dimpled" itself is seductive to the eye, at least my eye.
A thought for you: I know that this experience was a past one, but why not put it in the present? more as a "moment now"?, the hardest ones to capture, which you did. Thus: line 1, spangleS; line 16, arrangeS; line 19, THIS night. "shining" could be "shiny."
Doing those things would obviate the "as" you're thinking of dropping: "The moon spangles
shiny fish..."
I love this poem, W. Hopkins would be admiring. But the hell with him -- I'M admiring!
Lad......Si......Pentameterman
. Rewarded 4
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Gaw-sh..!
I really can't tell you how flattered and pleased I am with your comment. I mean I can't - really ! I wondered about this one because it IS about as contrived as I'm likely to get. I just felt I had to find words that got the picture across. The one I've illustrated it with is a very poor approximation of how the water looked that night. But if you isolate the bottom centimetre of it you can just about see what I meant about the fish. I was pleased with 'bathroom-glass' as well and so gratified you picked it out.
It's easy to get a bit 'cosy' and incestuous in a small pond like this and I hope we're not slapping each other on the back here. But I take such a review from one as accomplished as yourself as a huge compliment. Thank you . On the subject of 'boys clubs' check out the work of 'gnosisonG' (below) - I have a feeling you'll like his stuff and he yours. I took your point about 'immediacy' and made some changes . I like them - thanks again.
Isn't this a great site !
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Gaw-sh..!
I can't really tell you how flattered and pleased I am with your comment. I mean I can't - really ! I wondered about this one because it IS about as contrived as I'm likely to get. I just felt I had to find words that got the picture across. The one I've illustrated it with is a very poor approximation of how the water looked that night. But if you isolate the bottom centimetre of it you can just see what I meant about the fish. I was pleased with 'bathroom-glass' as well and so gratified you picked it out.
It's easy to get a bit 'cosy' and incestuous in a small pond like this and I hope we're not slapping each other on the back here. But I take such a review from one as accomplished as yourself as a huge compliment. Thank you . On the subject of 'boys clubs' check out the work of 'gnosisonG' (below) - I have a feeling you'll like his stuff and he yours. I took your point about 'immediacy' and made some changes . I like them - thanks again.
Isn't this a great site !
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>W<
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A moment successfully purloined.
Yes indeed, I feel I`m right there with you (so zip up!).
Interesting verb wrangling - "spangled" and "dappling" aswell as some fine antonymic set-ups "neatly chaotic", "exotic and everday". I might risk dropping "itself" in line one. It flows better without and i don`t think it would detract from the meaning. Short yet descriptively smart, I would have to say you got it down to a Tee, Windhover (or should that be Pee?).
Anyway it fits perfectly with morning coffee and gradual emergence from the hypnopompic state.
Cheers
gG. Rewarded 4
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I knew I missed you for some reason!
Hope you're not just being kind about this coz I'm very aware of its 'flowers'. In my defence I can only say my muse has such moments, unfashionable as they may be and it's an honest attempt at describing the scene and the feeling of it.
You were dead on about 'itself' so it's gone. Now I'm thinking maybe the 'as' on the next line could go too.
There's so much out there at this time of year I could become a real pain in the ass with this stuff so DO keep me reality checked. In the meantime , thanks for the comment and support!
>W<
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