Dear Santa,
Please send me a bad boy for Christmas-
just like I’ve always dreamed of
tempestuous and smouldering-
the kind you’d lick whipped cream off
Give me all the trimmings
six-pack, dark and flashing eyes!
Don’t let any body read our little secret about size!
Oh!Yes! And a surprise!
Give him some foibles-
like a painful past
some deep emotional disturbance
I can fix - or that won’t last.
Build him like a clothes-horse
one that fills out every stitch
Oh, and Santa, don’t forget
He must be very, very rich!
Make him big and bad and dangerous
and muscular and hairy
and (be careful with the next bit!)
just the weenchiest bit scary!
So every time I look at him
my little female kneeses
go weak so I must let him do
exactly as he pleases.
Don’t forget to send the book
they give with all bad boys-
the one that tells me how to
quieten him down if he makes noise.
The one that shows me where to find
the button they keep hidden
that switches him to passive mode
and makes him do my bidding.
Make sure the facto-ry that built him
gave him a good mother
so he will do the things I say
just like a baby brother
I hear there are some faulty ones
and they can give you trouble.
Please, Santa, don’t send one of those
and burst my Christmas bubble.
Give me one who’ll come for walks
and so enjoy our little talks
and when he's finished pleasing me -
will fit back in his little box.
Remembering consumer's rights
I'll keep the invoice lest one night
his satisfaction rating drops
and he must go back to the shop.
They just don't make things the way they used to, Santa!
I left some low-fat milk for you and and organic carrot for Rudolph.
Author notes
A man's view from a woman's perspective I hope.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Wow. I just stumbled across this, and it made my day! I know you wrote this ages ago, but man it was brilliant!
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Merry Christmas
Hey, OFA. Getting this reply was like getting a nice Christmas card in July. Merry Christmas to you too! Thank You. >W<
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this is very funny.
i know christmas is way over but in 6months or so, it will be here again...so, when i discovered this poem, i was greatly amazed...you split my sides with laughter and all the cliches that come with laughter, i'd like to tell you...if i'm not in complete bed rest now, i'd probably jump up and down with joy with this piece...
very aptly said, WH...if women had much of a choice on which men fall into their laps, they would surely ask for the one you asked from santa...
hahahahha...kudos to you for this one! it's GREAT!
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I hope six-packs don't count for that much with women
... but it is true we're living in Body Fascist world. (Personally I've always thought it might actually be preferable to wear a Djeballah.) But I get your drift otherwise - what is it women want? A man who isn't as he is. A bad boy who isn't, or is only bad within the strictest most biddable perameters.
I'm not sure this really is a gender issue: surely it's a cry from the heart, is there another, others, who will love me as I am? Can I be myself with this person, or will their fantasy blot me out? It seems to me more about the longing i share for real connection/ connectedness in life.
Yet it's angry and disappointed too... bitter. Well, in the darkest days of the year bitter roots are all that's left of the springtime. But it does come, you know...
Best for Hogmanay. RA
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Nobody can win the war of the sexes!
Hullo.
Hey Alex, if I'm using rhyme I'm usually not too serious about a subject, but then many a true word has been spake in jest and there was an underlying edge intended alright. However, getting too serious about the War of the Sexes is never a good idea. Vive la difference I say. Then again there are only two things I like about the French. Their face! Thanks for reading and commenting. Hope it gave you a little smile as well!
Aw the best tae ye, hen ! x >W<
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are you reading my mind?
Haha. I loved it. This is the only Christmas poem I've not only been able to stomach, but that made me laugh out loud. I believe you've coined the word "weenchiest." There's too much funny to pick one part, but if I absolutely must, I'd say my favorite is the fifth stanza accompanying your new word.
. Rewarded 6
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Reading a woman't mind....
...is a little bit like trying to write on sand - futile! The landscape changes far too quickly. I have long since given up on trying to make sense of the fairer sex and nowadays I simply look and wonder. If I amused you then my mission was accomplished. Merry Christmas Raven, and thanks for the comment. >W<
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Which chimney are you talking about?...
I'm trying... I'm trying... but this isn't easy, as I'm sure it wasn't easy for you, but you seem to have clicked all the requirements as they're generally put forth by the fairer sex. A bundle of joy... a ton of fun.. but obedient. I don't know, I just don't know... I do like how the rhyme scheme is very unobtrusive, very natural, not sing-songy. A monumental gift, rocks in a box. Happy Christmas, MJ
. Rewarded 8
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Sleeping with the enemy
Hi Richard. If I've expressed the male point of view about some of the impossibly high standards set by the fairer(?) sex then fair(?) enough! The war must go on and oh! how I enjoy the battles, even those I lose (which is more frequent these days, the enemy having so much 'intelligence' on me!) Merry Christmas
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good
very nice. i like it.
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I tried to behave....
...and I still am
I think this is not your usual style John, but it still works smoothly and all these cute rhymes fall into place, seemingly unintentional. so I would say, nice one! You said you missed me giving you trouble, well, I think I like this playing behaved for awhile until after christmas...who knows, Santa will just give me what I wanted for being reeeeeeaaaaaalllllly nice... HA!
Merry Christmas, bad boy!
from a (really trying hard) good girl, (hope Santa doesnt get too meticulous!),
LYNNE
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Funny!
I chuckled my way though this poem. I think you did a good job with it. However, you seem to give up a bit on the meter and rhyme near the end. The last 2 lines would be better if you added enough to make them into a full stanza, in my opinion. My favorite part was lines 9-12. -
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Thanks WW
I don't usually go with such strong beat to a poem and I know it stutters a bit. Hope you managed to 'shuffle' a bit and keep it flowing. I edited it in your honour but ended up putting more non-rhyme at the end. I just like the humorous effect of that 'enjambment'if you can call it that. Thanks for commenting! >W<
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Bravo!
Looks like the ladies are lapping this up John! That must tell you what a great job you've done here.
It's rare to see you use rhyme so obviously, but it works very well for a piece like this. It's an effortless read and an easy message to get.
Wouldn't life be great if we all had those little buttons we could press to change mood and behaviour? What? We have??
Oh yeah!
Yuletide merriment to you my friend!
Mart
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ah, hell
It's really cute. I see a lot of girls nodding, smiling, thinking ummm hmmm. The poem reaches out to lots of ladies who have the same wish. You do your job as a poet. I thought your poem was just fine! Of course a bad boy is only "good" for a little while; don't I know that as well? -
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A lot of ladies thinking 'hmmmm' is a good result !
If you can see them , please give them my phone number. It's 044..what do you mean 'figuratively' ?
Ha Ha ! Glad you liked it and thanks for commenting Liz!
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I do too....
Great!you wont mind if I ask the same as you for Chrismass...Always remembering I am a poor divorced teacher from the third world.
IT IS GOOD TO KNOW WHAT WE WANT AT THIS POINT OF LIFE.
The requirements for having a good mate are as complicated as getting a job.
I dont want to be evaluated, diagnosized, sized and weighted.I just want a simple person by my side...
WEll, thanks a lot for advising.It was a great fun to read that poem.Gonna print it and mail it to santa.
Ludmila607.
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Ho Ho Ho Ludmilla ! Be my guest!
I reckon I could sub-contract this to quite a few ladies over the next few weeks . You are a confused and confusing species. No doubt that is what keeps my own species so fascinated!
Glad it gave you a smile and perhaps a little food for thought. Leave it out for Santa with his milk! Thanks for commenting!
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ho-ho-ho
windover once again shows his broad range with a bad-boy chistmas poem in a Twas the Nite Before Christmas style.
not the type of pome you want to take home to your mother.
i question the authors notes though isn't this a womans view (what women want) from a mans perspective (you the author) or am i missing something?
cheers dave -
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Can't decide
I'm trying to get across how frustrating it can be for men to find the very things that seem to attract women are the first things on that woman's 'must change' list as soon as a relationship is established. Did I get close?
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BAD Santa...
BAD Bird, BAD poem and naughty, naughty. And I think any woman who's still worth her lovely lust will love everything about it, as do I (hmmmm...) Another knockout of humor and lightheartedness, W -- dry as a martini, light as a Perrier, sweet as cookies 'n cream, and rich as an expresso. Makes me think of Marlon Brando -- "STELLA!!" Now there's a Christmas present, all "smouldering and moody," and the magic button to shut him up and out for a while is just the ticket.
Well, Bird, I think you've already outclassed a much heavier, more ponderous Christmas poem I've been working on and will soon post to my regret. Damn, you pre-fabbed me again! (Btw, Nienna's little correction seems just right.)
Lad
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Dedicated it to you (and the ladies too!)
My we ARE in rhyming form these days! Who says the leopard doesn't change his spots! We oughts to have a little lapse every now and then. When better than Yuletide? Who'd chide me oe'r the Christmas season? There is always reason in my badness! Sadness is not having you comment. Happy Christmas then ! You are my first gay friend.
Amen ! -
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And Merry Christmas to you!
Thanks for the dedication, o daylight's dauphin -- and you are my first sane Irish friend.
(I lived through the years of AmerIrish Catholicism, always gibberin' 'bout the gibbet o' the cross' and so forth and so on.) Free of that now, I've a wondrous community of poetic friends in and out of Sharepoetry's sight.
One more thing: send Brando, circa 1956, by sleigh or post; I'll gladly pay for the male-ing.
Ciao. Buon' Natale!
Lad -
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You two crack me up.
I'll post my comments, I promise, but this was too funny to read and not say so.
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Again Hilarious
well you've done it again never ceasing to amaze me with your very bold humor. And to be honest with you i agree with the womans perspective from a man's view. And also I love the last line about keeping the wrapping paper and recipt that is just too funny. but anyways how have you been the last time i talked to you was on the chatterbox and unfortunatly i cannot use that while i am in the desert. So i was just dropping a line. SLAN GO FOILL.
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May you be filled with Christmas Spirit , my less-than-hollow friend!
I hope 'the desert' doesn't mean what I think it does. If you are in a war zone you have the prayers of an aetheist for consolation. Hope you are still as 'full' as when we spoke last and that 'Blue' continues to burn for you - and vice-versa. I envy you your homecomings ! Compliments of the Season - and thanks for the comment. Glad I made you smile!
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Ha ha! Great one, Windhover...I love the humor and...all of it, mostly.
If I can make a suggestion I think line 35 would fit in better if you said "So he will do the things I say" it just seems a little like it's missing a syllable...
Awesome, and I love the picture.
Nienna
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One for the ladies (and Lad of course!)
Thanks Nienna and Merry Christmas. Line 35 was a typo - thanks for picking it up.
Glad it made you laugh. And that you liked the picture! Are you one of those ladies who'd want to start 'customizing' her bad boy as soon as she had him out of the shop? That's the 'debate' that inspired this one.
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OMG! though I like the beginning a lot! (says to self "you're too Ashley , too young") I think that is about right...depending on if the women is normal, weird, a whore, or anti-social with the opposite gender.
I can see what you're getting at I must say you did a pretty good job. LOL.
nice one!
Ash
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You ARE too young..
..to appreciate the niceties of this 'argument'. But I'm glad you did anyway! Ho Ho Ho !
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