Good many days have I crossed
Wonder the long leap with confident heart,
Searching for you with heart engrossed,
Waiting years pass with touch of art;
Faster moved the time with regular pace
Leaving the trace of joys in sorrow
And with the feel of aching smile on face
Coming up is the very good morrow:
Though my mind did lose the kind
Of all hope leaving a raise in my brow;
God, help me! My ways sadly can’t wind
Back what every second in mind grow.
God, gratitude to end my search so tender;
O Captain, he(re) is my only commander.
Author notes
My friend's re-entry in my life after 15 years, my search, my prayer, my friend - this poem! When I missed him 15 years ago, he was a 5th grader and now he is an Officer in Coast Guard!
Working on this poem - but, still expecting your comment!!!!!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Well...
the poem, to me, unfortunately reads as though the poet forces her emotion and thought into the confines of her rhyme scheme. It should be the other way around. The structure of a poem should serve the "so what" of a poem.
"Good many days have I crossed/Wonder the long leap with confident heart." "I," the subject of the sentence is crossing "Wonder?" Or is it "wonder the long leap?" The punctuation makes the meaning unclear. The way it reads "Wonder" is a place and not a state to be crossed by leaping. Not that I have a problem with the personification of a state of being per se, but the whys and wherefores for it are not here.
"Searching for you with heart engrossed,
Waiting years pass with touch of art;"
"Engrossed" in what? What does it mean to say you've waited with "touch of art?" These lines say essentially nothing, but they rhyme. See what I mean? You do this throughout the poem, that is, sacrifice clarity of meaning and concrete images for the sake of rhyme.
I say concrete images. It's my opinion that good poetry shows more than it tells; and showing means referring the reader to things in the world that "stand for" the emotion or thought that the poet wants to evoke. Unfortunately, your poem is bereft of images except for an "aching smile" and a "raise in my brow." You're telling us you missed your friend, but how much more effective would this be if you used some concrete situation to be expressed with metaphor, simile, or some other poetic device? Right now you're telling us, granted by rhyming, but not showing us, and this is merely anecdote sporting a powdered wig.
My advice would be to sit down and brainstorm. Think of all the things you and he did together. Think of all the places you've been, both figurative and literal, where you wished he'd been there. Think of any falling outs you might've had with this person. These concrete images are the stuff of poetry, and if you want to use rhyme to express it all, cool, just don't make the heart serve the face.
I'm sorry if I seem heavy-handed or harsh. Believe me when I say my only motivation is to help.. Rewarded 8
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Kiddy Cool!
I enjoyed the flow and the clear yet strangely enigmatic nature of this work Kiddy. It fits well with your Little Columbus which upon first reading I liked even better.
The first two lines especially were thoughtful and deep. And then the ending: playful with flourish and flair. I think perhaps I would´ve enjoyed seeing more in this vein as with lines 13 and 14 you seem to let yourself go with an inner flow.
Warmest regards
gG
. Rewarded 4
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i really liked the flow of this..the title appealed to me...and i can surley feel the emotions throughout this piece...gives a reader to think about somethin...more as of an relationship thats broken...i could relate to this...nice drop!!
. Rewarded 4
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Hey Remedy....
Happy that you liked the poem... This is all about re-found love! I'm a lucky soul that I was able to find my childhood friend after 15 years in my life....!
Thanks for reading!
Love
Kiddy
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Hey princess...
This is not fair... Who is he? I never knew such character in your life so far... gonna miss something precious? Me unlucky soul!
Really really excellent work kiddy. You prove to be very talented. Really you are in poetic high. I love the ending the lines. Write more and I want to learn more.
Ciao kiddy
King
. Rewarded 4
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nice!
this flows very nicely. i can almost see what you are seeing as you wrote this. i like it very much and i think its kool that you were able to meet up with your friend after 15 years!!!. Rewarded 4
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nice!
Loved the way the thoughts flow here. The ending line is the best. The poem dipicts the various emotions beautifully: losing ones dear; the search; the sadness associated with giving up hope, and the happiness at the unexpected but very precious find. Good job!. Rewarded 4
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Thank you...
Dear CSW,
Pleased to recieve your excellent comment. Your comment is highly perceptive and it is highly appreciated.
Thank you again,
KC
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Nice
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euphoria penned!
Well, nice poem... but I bet it cant match the feeligns u had at the time wen u met ur friend. But still, it is a good poem. I like ur style... rhyming, good diction..... just a nice smooth flowing style. thats what makes it click for me. this one also clicks.... nice idea, good expression of things... and a powerful punch at the end.
Irrespective of all the positives.... I feel a coupla odd-spots are there. The second verse.... needs a lift. can just twist it a bit to go like
"Alacrity of time became swifter with days
Leaving oases of joys in melancholy
And softly treads a smile onto an aching face
The portent of a future coming instantly."
then, the use of word "grow" in the second last verse seems a bit od... wat do u think? Well, thats it. Good poem.... keep writing
Pratyus. Rewarded 4
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Great start
I love the way you use language. It's not straight forward, but brings your meaning through.
Keep working on it, put more feeling into it, maybe work on the flow a bit, I think it's great.. Rewarded 4
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Excellent revisions.
KC, the sonnet is so much clearer now, yet you've still kept the mystery, the fluidity of time and feeling. It's gained by your revisions, and lost nothing. Beautiful.
Lad. Rewarded 4
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Thank you Lad,
It took me two days to finish this poem. I was not able to work on it in time and I lost the flow in the middle. So struggled a little and feared a lot for having taken sonnet as my idea’s form.
Your suggestions were highly helpful!
This poem has conceded real honour by your valuable comment! Whitman is one of life time favorites and your reference to his 'O captain, MY captain' made me sink into the river of excitement!!!
Thanks again…
Luv
KC
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Clearly opaque...
...like an black opal, KC. I do like this, with your usual immensely interesting way of playing with language, and eventually your poem's being, if not its full meaning, comes to light. And don't some of our best poems do that? I think so, and I think you do that here. Rich, mysterious and very good. I like how you play here with time, tenses and grammar: a poet's right and delight.
Lines 7-8: I absolutely love these 2 lines, how they play as I said above -- especially admiring: "...smile on face / Coming up is the very good morrow." The vowels flow along with the subtle meaning.
Lines 11-12 take some digging in -- I THINK "are" and ""grow" ("grow" so far separated from its subject "mind") verb-alize your "ways" and do it beautifully.
Line 14: "O Captain"'s ref to Whitman's lament for lost Lincoln whom he loved: delightful, as is the whole line: your re-found friend and your pondering across "many days" are both your commander.
The whole poem is a hymn to a re-found love.
I wonder: in line 3, is "one" really necessary? The mystery of the line might be enhanced without it.
Another great write, KC. I always look forward to the necessary digging in required by your work.
Lad
. Rewarded 4
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