I think I’m a non-alcoholic
and I think I know why
when I drink
I die
Jesus! my
head hurts
hard-wired to my stomach
which is sick and quivering
as they communicate in waves
that wash nausea over me
shivering
rising and falling
in the grip of this curse
till the sea-sickness
makes it
worse
coming at me
in fits and
starts
hurting the parts other beers can’t reach
I’m sore like I can’t describe
behind my eyes
I can visualize
the little man with the screaming drill
God help me will it never end?
okay, send me to hell
I’ll sell my soul
for some relief
but paracetamol
won’t cut it
I guess I’ll just never
be a drinker
you'd think I’d have learned this lesson
but I’m guessing
I never will
I’m so ill
just kill me
please
this disease
should be its own preventative
it makes me swear
and I’ve sworn
fuck! – how I’ve promised myself
never to drink anything again
that can do this to me
Lord! save me
from the hell
of my swelling
cerebellum
grant me death
or numbness
and the sense
not to drink it
unless
it's non alocoholic
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Muah-haha
Ah, excellent work. The wonders of hang-overs.
There isn't a lot to say really, these kinds of poems are points of character and humour, so they're fairly straight forward, and you've done it all really well. It seems quite long for the amount of content, but you make it so lively and fast paced that that dopesn't much matter.
Oh, I'd quibble with "I'm sore like I can't describe". While I get the whole "Words cannot express...." point, it seems a little silly in a very detailed, and exhaustive 55 line description. hehe
Iorek -
Been there, done that... =(
A feeling so man of us can relate to and one that is described with artistry and talent here. I liked the way this poem seemed to build as I read it. I am not sure if it is intended to feel that way, but I sensed it as I read. Like a hangover that refuses to break and just weighs on you more and more, this poem was persistent and kept driving the point home. Very well written and a nice reminder of how nice and rewarding the non-alcoholic beerages can be. =). Rewarded 4
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i absolutly love the third stanza.
i like the mental note that this poem gives me.
....don't drink
or this will happen to you....
i like the occasional rhyme.
whether it was intentional or not.
nice work.
tws
. Rewarded 4
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Glad you liked it ..
..hope you can't relate! 'Never again' is advice I don't even bother giving MYSELF any more since I realised long ago that one of the biggest problems with drink is that it totally fucks up your ability to make any decision - especially a sensible one!
The rhymes are intentional to the extent that I didn't edit them out - I hope they weren't TOO obvious! Thanks for the comment which is truly appreciated >W<
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I can relate to this!
I know exactly where you're coming from with this poem mate.
It's a very good subject to choose especially when you're in the middle of the hangover from hell. I admire your ability to type let alone think straight enough to compose such coherent verse! Great job.
The first half of the poem is vintage Windhover - very clever indeed with some great descriptions of the horror of the moment:
"....my
head hurts
hard-wired to my stomach" is fabulous. As is:
"I’m sore like I can’t describe
behind my eyes
I can visualize
the little man with the screaming drill" Been there - felt that!
I felt it tailed off a little toward the end. From "like a dope" onwards, it just seemed a little too forced in rhyme and the awkward in the last stanza, when compared to the first half. I can see where you're coming from with:
"or if I do to make it
‘me-compatible’" but it doesn't quite do the finale justice. Not surprising if you'd been 3 sheets to the wind the night before and suffering a sleepless night as a result!
Just a suggestion - would "unless it's.." be a suitable replacement for "or if I do to make it.."
Very minor quibbles aside, it's still a great write and a worthy addition to the Windhover canon!
Cheers,
Mart
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks to you Mart. Usually we're standing too close to the woods of our own poems to ever see the trees that may be about to fall on our heads! That's why an environment like Sharepo is such a boon. I don't often change my poems but I'm always open to suggestion, particularly from certain commentators. Certain people are always going to be more on your wavelength than others. So when I hear comment like this (first one)from you I always listen. I think the fact that it 'fell apart' the way it seemed to shows that it did have major defects. Hardly surprising I suppose! Since I tend to see the poems as 'gifts', liking them to flow off the pen and watch them 'arrive', I am often loathe to tinker with them in case they feel contrived. But there's no doubt, the best ones are a collaboration between the conscious and the subconscious - and a third party can sometimes make all the difference. So thanks again. I'm glad you liked the rewrite - it had become difficult for me to judge it myself.
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I agree..I think
Thanks for taking the time here Mart. As always I take your comments seriously and I had a good look at your suggestions and went over this one again. Doing so, I have to say, brought the awfulness of that morning back to me in a way that led me to believe I'd done a pretty good job considering! Thanks for crediting me with that. I thought your suggestions were both spot-on and went about installing them. As I did so the poem just seemed to start falling apart and I've ended up with a very different ending indeed.I think there's a natural tendency for free verse to 'collapse' into rhyme and almost try to justify itself with it. The second half of the poem did seem to be trying to contrive something rather than just describe and communicate as the poem had started out doing.
Since I now blame YOU for the whole thing, even the hangover itself, maybe you'd take a look and see if you think it's any better! Thanks again mate. >W< -
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Hats off to you!
By 'eck mate! Now this IS vintage through and through. I do know exactly what you mean regarding the manner in which desconstructing just one part of a poem can have a domino effect on other parts too, but personally, I feel the effort has been most worthwhile.
I read this and all the way through it flowed with ease; there was no stumbling over the last few lines, which made it at more pleasing experience and a better, more consistent poem. In particular:
"Lord! save me
from the hell
of my swelling
cerebellum" is terrific wordplay, rhyme and slides off the tongue like butter from a hot knife!
Great stuff John and I am honoured by the fact you took my points on board.
Cheers,
Mart
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The wages of drink is poetry, sometimes...
...and sometimes is right now in this liquid gem, John. It's perfection. Good from bad. Light from dark. And so forth and so on... The whole poem immediately brought back images of myself worshipping at the throne of the toilet bowl, wishing I were dead, just as you mourn in that fourth line. I've done the guts of your poem four or five times in my life, the last one about 15 years ago. Never again -- which doesn't at all mean I don't tipple at a martini or a Johnny Walker now and then! A man's reach should exceed his drink, else what's a poem for? -- or some BS such as that.
Best line for me, among many fine ones: I'm sore as I can't describe / behind my eyes. Soooo truly, nicely written.
Your poem is a shot from heaven, a beware! to me. Great write, Bird. Plain and true and honest as hell. Those "buckets o' pale ale" that you guys drink over there, and that you call "sherry"? Lose the bucket. Find little glasses...but I know what you say: sure, until next time. Ah well. I know many heavy drinkers who just can't fit into AA, but the writing and painting they do makes me cry with delight. Talk about paradox!
Luvya and all the struggling drinkers in the world who make beautiful art that's been saved from all the drowning.
Lad
. Rewarded 4
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hey windover
don't be discouraged, being an alcoholic is a long painful process that one must really work at. Hey i know its tough getting over the nausea and the hangovers but with a wake up beer with a egg and a cigarette you can overcome them. keep drinking and if you want it bad enough you can become an alcoholic.
dave. Rewarded 4
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Cheers (?)
Wrote this at 4.00am this morning in the absolute horrors. Ironically it now sits beside 'The 12 steps' on the 'features list'. Thanks for the tips Obi Wan - I'll apply myself!
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yeah, right!
i love to drink but im a self-proclaimed non-alcoholic! LOL!
maybe, one of these days we should drink together and see who's telling the truth!
had fun here Mr. witty winelover!
SloshedThoughts. Rewarded 4
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Get thee behind me Sozzledthoughts...
...I think I'm going to fall down! Beer is regularly served by Milligan and Silver Spirit in the 'Chatterbox Bar' around 23.00 or 24.00 my time (it's 12.47 right now) Your round!
Happy New Year Lynne ! xx >W<
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