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Every thought that sails in the wind Finds its echo in the mind Whirling in the mind like eddy All things inside out float on it The troubling thoughts One wants to extricate Held fast on to this eddies Each event generates so many A placid mind in nature’s womb Become centers of turbulence The mind transforms into A big whirlpool of thoughts Churning inside ever Sucks everything as each rotates Driven by the thought currents These eddies takes life’s boat Through unintended shores The vast expanding space Where all concentric thoughts Emanate and float Always circling around Their own centers These diverse centers Fragment infinite conscious Ensuing great conflict inside Pushing each other out Incomprehensible network of thought Makes stormy mind Leaving one longing for Pease Force it to take refuse in many ways Generating many more centers Which confound the mind further Though enlightenment never dawned Through many ways of thought |
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Content as original as this must not get lost in its language! A magnificent poem hides here, but please accept help wherever it still matches what you want to say.
Help is what we all are here for, getting and giving.
I hope you will accept it with the respect it is given. Years ago, I remember the first poems I wrote in French. They were loaded with mistakes--not that they could not be understood, but it was not my language. Yet. You have my sympathy.
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Take the title. Do you mean Thoughts in the Pond of the Mind? If so, it would be the possessive form, " Mind's " If the pond was named for someone whose name is "Minds," leave it as it is. But why?
(Note 'whose' name above. Who's would mean "who is")
Please please, if you are to lose all punctuation, lose the capitals too! I tripped over most of them, and they got in the way, chopping the meaning into unrelated chunks. Capitals belong only where they begin a new thought or sentence, or on names, even in poetry today.
It is not 400 years ago anymore.
Keep the capital in lines 2, 4, 9, 10, 12, 14, 17, 24, 28, 31. Alternate meanings are found if the capital shifts, but please use them knowingly. With no capitals at all, it releases all thoughts to flow openly in different ways each time it is read, and at times, causes unnecessary confusion.
I hope to see this poem edited, so I can give it a proper critique.
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Now, details:
Praise: Iine 3 'Finds its echo' "its" is CORRECT.
This is probably the most common place to make a mistake, where English-speakers assume it's written with an apostrophe like in "boy's hat" To remember , we do not put an apostrophe in "his hat" either.
(and that my "it's written" has to be wrong?)
Not so, for all pronouns (which replace names of things.) Above, in my "assume it's written," it's means "it is" written with the aposrophe ( ' ) replacing the letter "i" like it replaces "o" in isn't, can't, wasn't and wouldn't.
Line 4, "in the mind like eddy" Use like an eddy, or like eddies, or put a comma after 'mind.' Or is it a special kind of eddy, one that thinks.
Line 5, "All things inside out float on it." Do you mean 'float out'?
" Inside out" means something else entirely,
à l'envers in French, like "wrong side out" with clothes.
Line 8. "to this eddies" These eddies. (This eddy is one only)
Lines 10, 11, "A placid mind in nature’s womb
Become centers of turbulence..." A mind--becomes centers
Line 17, "These eddies takes life’s boat " eddies take (One eddy takes.) Almost never an 's' on both subject and verb
Great from there to:
Lines 24-25 "Fragment infinite conscious
Ensuing great conflict inside"
Do you mean that "infinite" and "conscious" would describe 'fragment'?
Of thought tells us what kind of fragment, so conscious makes sense.
However I wonder about "infinite fragment" Oxymoron!
consider 'a conscious decision.' In it the adjective 'conscious' describes "decision." If it does not describe the noun "conflict" which follows, what we needed was "consciousness," a noun.
And do you mean ensuing (as a consequence) or ensuring, being sure?
A dictionary is a useful tool.
Spelling, line 30, peace (Yours was like "pease porridge hot...")
Line 31, refuge (refuse is trash and a verb, "I refuse to do that.")
If you want a treasurehouse of English Grammar facts, go to my
http://www.mattaweb.ca/web2006/GrefStart.htm
It is the support website for my AP course that can take you from Basic Usage to College level.
Great metaphysical poem, but it needs polishing.
Worth doing.
Terry
. Rewarded 4
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A very inspiring poem
A very intriguing poem about the wiles of the mind. “Every thought that sails in the wind
Finds its echo in the mind” Is a great opening. It pulled me right in. Then it goes on with the problems of the mind having a mind of itself.
Plus the ending was terrific “Though enlightenment never dawned Through many ways of thought”
Inferring maybe that enlightenment cannot be reached through mere thought.
As for editing, well, is there any poem that doesn’t need a little of that? I for one would rather read an inspirational poem that needs some polishing than a grammatically correct poem that makes me yawn.
A very inspiring poem. Great work!
Bill
. Rewarded 4
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I agree with William McGarvey about the wanderings of an undirected mind, in effect daydreaming. I live by a large river with its eddies and turbulences and for years have in a boat, drifted downstream with its currents. Your sustained metaphor took me there, far from desk and keyboard, onto the sunny river... It has been a while. Thank you for that. Such a pleasant poem follows as thought meanders and by some magic refreshes; I had not expected that! It is that quality that makes it a really good poem: and gives a break from the load of work I carry.
Anybody who can do that for me deserves our support. What you need at this point is someone who, with all respect--you do have mine-- can proofread and help get the common errors under control. Being polite, most readers usually will not risk offending. Today, I do not have time to go into such editing and will get back to you by IM. Please let me know if it would be welcome. (If not, I won't bother.)
Thanks again.
Terry
January 25, 2007
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