haggard and craggy
an ancient queen
imposing but without majesty
made barren and forbidding
by her loneliness
until the softest touch
come stealing while she slept
bestowing on her
a coat of ermine
all softness and allure
its purity and whiteness
making the mighty
mountain
less terrible
conferring beauty
almost unbearable
and men came
reflecting on her being
and their own
skiing
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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An almost perfect conceit.
Hi,
Excellent use of terms such as ‘stealing’ and ‘ermine’.
I think there is an issue with tenses on L8: came | slept or comes | sleeps?
L12 ‘whiteness’, although this works in the given metaphor to me it is too literal, perhaps something like ‘its purity chilling’ would fit and provide a contrast with L10.
L14 effectively ends the conceit, a reference back to ‘the queen’ would be required e.g. ‘empress’ for the same reason I’m not fond of L21, additionally the poem has the strength to end on L20 and convey a sense of introspective thinking.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem a favorite from this site.
Rgds
hobby
. Rewarded 4
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Thank You
Why is it every time I try to correspond with you the site throws a wobbler? I've been trying to instal an edit here on the back of your good catch about the tenses - and the system simply WON'T do it. I'll try again tomorrow. Your considered comment was very gratifying and I thank you for it. Sorry you didn't like the final line but skiing is where the poem came from and ultimately, what it's about for me. Please don't think me conceited if I keep it! I looked it up , never having heard it used that way before. What an excellent word! Thanks again H. >W<
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Everyone has said it all
I willsay this poem is amzing becuase it is and i love the way you desoribe things as always -
This is simply......
...a wonderful write. Your depth and range never cease to amaze me and here we have a poem, which describes perfectly, the evolution of a mountain from rough, craggy rock to sporty, snowy peak in 92 words. As you so often achieve in your poems, there is no fat or waste here - every word contributes to the wonderful imagery and the transition inherent within the poem.
"until the softest touch
come stealing while she slept
bestowing on her
a coat of ermine"
What a way to describe overnight snowfall! Great job bro' - great job.
Mart
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Cheers Bro
This one took a little longer to 'incubate' than most and a few times the paper did indeed indeed refuse the ink. Glad you liked what eventually made it into type and thanks for the very flattering comment.
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Beautiful! You have a knack for such great imagery. This leaves me breathless, almost as if i see the mountains myself. Almost like I've taken a vacation. Truly, you have an eye for writing poetry about things...almost like odes to things. The way you put the words together and group the lines together into stanzas is perfect.
enjoyed this alot.
-iphios -
I like the feel of this poem, it seems to have three parts, (at least for me). The first part is a picture of a mountain as harsh and arrogant, (particularly like the alliteration in "haggard and craggy", great visual effect!)
The second part, (or stanza if you will) executes a turnabout, suddenly the mountain is soft and pure, (here I love "bestowing on her a coat of ermine" - the 'bestowing' and 'ermine' make the mountain retain those royal connotations given by 'ancient queen', but make them a 'friendly' royal connotation, if that makes sense).
The last part, of course, is the bit about men reflecting on their own skiing. Made me laugh there! Especially helped by putting 'skiing' on its own line.
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Thank you
You seem to have picked up on most of the things I would have wished you to, and that is very gratifying. You have also brought it to my attention that there is an ambiguity about the last line I never intended and which could cause confusion and even more 'hilarity' than I had feared somehow this poem could already give rise to. The word 'own' was intended to refer BACK to the word 'being' - and not forward to the word 'skiing' as you quite understandably took it to do. I may have to change it a little. Thank you so much for your kind, considered, and insightful comment. >W<
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Bird in his natural habitat!
John, what a wonderful piece! I sincerely find this one to be flawless. You have captured the essence of the mountain, and man's relation to it. Initially, the idea that a modern sport like skiing to be equated to a communal experience with nature is somewhat laughable, but you force the reader to re-examine it. How else do people relate to nature anymore? Sports play a huge role in modern society, period. The idea that it is our channel to the land, to me, is quite clever and original.
As for the language-- I love the off-rhyme and alliteration of "haggard and craggy." I also love your description of snow falling, "the softest touch. . . stealing while she slept . . . ermine. . ." Highly romantic and poetical.
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tremendous
like the mountian i guess your read the ancients like Tennyson who write so majestically. only you seem to bring it life more.
i think you've captured some of the collective unconscious in this in that from the beginning there must have been men climbing mountians that saw eagles, hawks etc and were awestruck and reflective
dave -
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Didn't think this one would be up your street
Thanks for the very uplifting comment Dave. I had reservations about this one, since, like yourself, I usually don't go for 'Nature' poems. But the beauty of it really was 'almost unbearable'.
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I love this type of poetry! hmm...the language used has an elegance to it...and the poem flows beautifully.
haggard and craggy
an ancient queen
imposing but without majesty
made barren and forbidding
by her loneliness
I like this- it like a queen without her crown.
until the softest touch
come stealing while she slept
and then her crown is set on top of her head, giving her the majesty and power she coveted.
This was like a breath of fresh air! loved it! and i like skiing on a separate line- a moment of realization for the reader, if he or she hasn't caught on already.
julia
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thank you
I don't usually do 'nature' but a recent ski-trip made this one inevitable. So glad you enjoyed it. I did!
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Special!
This is really someting. Understated, conscious, guiding, tender: one of the best i've read in a long time. Thanks for it! I feel fresher.
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Thanks JJ
your remarks are truly gratifying and uplifting - a bit like a chairlift! So glad to have brought some of the holiday home to spread about!. >W<
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So well imaged...
...that I can see it clearly, this ancient lonely mountain softly now covered in snow, "conferring beauty almost unbearable." That's really good writing, how it moves gently and admiringly from start to finish where people are so moved by both her and their being, both shining, hers in snow, theirs by reflection.
There's a depth here, W, about how beautifully awesome the terrible "and forbidding" can be. The "tremendum mysterium" as one theologian/poet once described it.
And that last space-break between "own" and "skiing" - the touch of a very fine poet.
I always cherish a poem I can see first, feel later. I like this one very much!
Ciao.
Lad
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