Death kills one by one.
After all our lives are scythed,
will Death say "I won"?
If sated Death yawns
"I am all I've left alive"
will Life sigh "I'm done"?
Or might the two bed
cunningly as one and, blithe,
Eden us again?
Suggestions, as always, are welcome.
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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I love this poem! It is one of my favorites of yours. The last three stanzas were most definately my favorite. Life and Death--Yin and Yang, thats just beautiful.
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RAW, so glad you like this one.
You're right: the first two stanzas hover a bit in the stratosphere, so I wanted the last stanza brought down to good old earth...and to good old us. Thanks for your comment!
Lad
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Exquisite!
The three parts say it all! Absolutely choice!
Will you indulge me if I turn into a pedant for a bit?
These are excellent in their form, but since Haiku are nature-related (this just squeaks into that category) they are more rightly called what they are: Senryu
I have lots of Senryu in my website, and some even in AP.
only three actual Haiku. I'll hunt them up to share.
Terry
Four Senryu for you ( Narrow your screen if they overflow) The rotated image is my own. Original enlarged from my digital image and cropped. Enjoy!
http://www.mattaweb.ca\archive5\haiku.htm
http://www.mattaweb.ca\archive5\haiku1.htm
http://www.mattaweb.ca\archive5\haiku2.htm
http://www.mattaweb.ca\archive5\haiku3.htm
Terry
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You're right, Terry...
...the three stanzas are not strictly haiku; traditional ones shouldn't even rhyme, let alone be about something other than nature. But I played a little freely with the form. Glad you like the whole poem!
Thanks for the tip and sites on Senryu! I'll check them out for sure.
Lad
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Wow.
Wow.
Not only am I wowed by the poem you've written, (i.e. simply looking at the language and techniques) but also by its structure. The symmetry in the first two stanzas, the fact that each stanza ends in a question, and most amazingly that each stanza is in perfect haiku format! I can only wonder how long it must have taken you to perfect this structure while retaining the 'feel' of the poem.
And a life and death poem with the perspective of Yin and Yang is no unoriginal feat, (meaning that it is original). Amazing stuff here!
Nish[81]
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It did take a while...
...to put this one together; you're surely right on that, nish. So glad you like it.
Although the stanzas are not strictly haikus, I like to play with traditional forms to see how I might be able to bend their rules to suit my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for your generous comments on the experiment, nish.
Lad
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Round and round we go
An intriguing poem about life and death. Yin and Yang, interdependent opposites that go round and round like life and death. One cannot exist without the other. And what is our minor role in all of this? Who knows, maybe just to write poetry about it.
Great poem Lad
Bill
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Round and round is right, Bill...
...and where it stops,...
The Hindus have the notion, among many about the universe, that this one we're in now may very well be the thousanth one, with many more to come. I know you know that. I just hope that THIS one is my one and only! Enough is enough.
Thanks. Glad you, in particular, like this one - I mean, the poem...
Lad
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hey lad
you deserve all the accolades you've recieved on this one. its like you completed a jig-saw while walking a tight-rope, and managed to give the answers to death, life and eternity in 5-7-5 time's 3 format.
dave. Rewarded 4
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Thanks, dave.
Right, sometimes jigsaw puzzles work out. Glad you like it.
Lad
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Hey, Lad. Was this, by any chance, influenced by some of Iphios' latter works, like "Anti-Gravity"? This, of course, is much briefer, but I see some of her trademark themes spinning through-- the idea of death and life ending where the other begins reminds me of her stuff.
But even in the briefest of your poems, you manage to strut your stuff-- "Eden us"? "final life is scythed"?? Oh yeah! Lad at his wink-wink-nudge-nudge wordplay! How I love it.
And even as the nimblest of word-jesters, you manage to juggle wit with heavy topics-- the heaviest of topics, in this case. How lightly you flash light and darkness, before you snap them together with nary a seam?
Love,
HG
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Glad you caught this one's slyness.
Cpie, always look forward to your way of seeing into my ditties; your poetic eye (third eye?) is sharp.
No, Iphios didn't influence me here, though that would be a welcome influence! I saw a New Yorker cartoon, most recent issue, with Death sitting, hooded, with scythe, on a tiny deserted island, leaning his back against the only tree, now chopped down by Him. I loved it, and the poem started up my motormind.
Hey, I'll take inspiration wherever I can get it. Sometimes, after writing a poem, I'm absolutely convinced I'm written out, finished, and I'm a bastard to live with. Then......
Luvya. Thanks.
Lad
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Great poem-
That poem reminds me a little bit aboput the greatpoetress Emily Dickinson.A poem that combine reflection , thougtfull questions and problable answers.Your poems as good as Emily ones.( and thats a compliment...)
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Thanks, Ludmilla.
I think Emily is one of the greatest of poets, and I'm terrifically honored that you place this poem among the heights of hers. So glad you like it.
Lad
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Sharp as a razor...
..or should I say 'scythe'
it reads good to be alive
and see Death lampooned
You really are showing off here Lad and I shouldn't encourage it but you are SO good. Such succinct poetic thought could of course only be handled in the most succinct poetic format. Brilliant use of the medium. The crossing over of nicely subtle rhymes between the stanzas pulls it together even more tightly and the three threes (known as a 'small forest' in Ireland - think about it) is , once again, just plain showing off..Great write!
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Very Nice
Very Simple and sweet -
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Thank you, ahkam...
...glad you like it. Lad -
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you will see
you will see when you love. -
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Thanks for your second comment, Ahkam...
...and yes, sight follows love, although on this side of Eden, the sight can only be through a dark glass. This is why the poem ends in a question, but a question that hints at hope.
Lad
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congrats Lad! wonderful, truly wonderful, i just love it. its perfect- no flaws, no errors. good job!
-Colin. Rewarded 4
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Colin, you're special...
...for taking the time out of a horribly busy school schedule to read and comment on this little ditty of a poem. Thanks! You are for sure a faithful poetic friend.
Lad -
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Thanks, Lad. thats more then i deserve, you are undoubtedly the kindest person i have ever met.
-Colin
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yes!
Hello again, Lad. It's good to see some haikus from you! I loved that word 'scythed', and "...Eden us again." Clever, fun rhymes as well! Cheers!
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Thanks, os.
I suppose they're really more senryus than haikus (haikus shouldn't rhyme, should be about nature, and shouldn't have a whole line of only one-syllable words), but what the hell, they were fun to play with, and I often don't care about formal rules anyway; hence the title. Glad you like this one.
Lad
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THis is breathtaking. Many of your poems leave me with a feeling of amazement at the marvel that is the human mind. Or maybe its just the mind of poets like you can have such creative, provoking thoughts!! This is fantastic. Are the rhymes, one, won and done intentional? They sound beee-auuuu-tiiii-fulll. And Eden as verb??!! Genius.
Cheers.. Rewarded 4
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You're a kind man, HM...
...and I appreciate your enthusiasm for this little three-part poem. Yes, one, won and done are intentional rhymes, as well as "yawns" - a slant rhyme. Glad you like the poem. And, your poetic mind comes up with some jewels that amaze me too!
Lad
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Doing the Reaper Proud!
An effective exposé exhibiting a trinity of apposites embedded in each others linen; Yin, Yang and the timeless androgynous observer.
Cool alliteration here also, Lad, life - scythed, Eden - again, and inner rhyme hopping across from one haikuniform stanza to the next.
Eden us again is a great line by the way!
Now I just need to find out what the hell the difference between a haiku and a senryu is! (Blush)
I do know what a koan is though, or I should say: I do know I do not know.
Muddled regards
gG
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Life is one haiku-thing after another!
Thanks, gG, for your Zen-wise thoughts, like both hands clapping. Appreciate your liking this little compaction. After I wrote the first stanza, I thought it was finished; but the damn thing kept wanting more - hence what you read.
Well, they're not really haikus in the traditional sense: haikus are "supposed" to be about nature or one or the other of the seasons. But, what the heck, I felt that a poet is free to do whatever he/she wants with old forms. Wallace Stevens: "If I want a tiger to be green, it's green."
The senryu, same syllable count as the haiku, requires a bit of comedy about human foibles. Now, there, I came close in my "little girl's diary" poem - a string of senryus; but even there, I altered the required comedy into tragi-comedy. Oh well.
As always, Simon, thanks and cheers!! I'll be checking back to your stuff asap.
Lad
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Cheers Lad
Thanx for the explanation. Between your works and Nienna´s ongoing haiku/senryu page I suppose it was unavoidable to be inspired to dabble a bit myself.
I see now that I have blasphemed and mutilated the proper usage of both haiku and senryu. But then twisting convention is a lark. I seem to recall you had something enjoyable verse you titled haikoans. That was you wasn t it, Lad?
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RAWright
February 4, 2007