After the storm
the world returned to her
piecemeal
and she heard her own cries
like a visitor to the seaside hears gulls
and thinks it alien
Her breathing rasped
like the swell of the water on shingle shore
and the roar of her heartbeat -
or was it his?-
pulsed like breaking
waves
Weight pressed and soothed her
like warm sand
piled high by playing children
their small and giddy cries
fading, receding
and her peace had depth
of mighty ocean
its mystery
and its hue-
she the deep blue sea
and he
her sky
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Beautiful
I see from the comments below this is about your wife. How romantic to write poetry to her! And speaking of romantic, this is very romantic in itself. You paint a picture of one of those stolen moments on the beach where all is suspended, the world just falls away, and there is no one there but the two of you until "the world returned to her piecemeal".
You have a wonderful style. I admire how much you say using so few words, and how you get so much out of those words by choosing to put a word or two alone - that makes the word(s) really stand out. It's hard to pick my favorite verse, but if I had to, there are two: two and four - shingle shore is such a great choice, very original - also, the subtle and symbolic way you have her lying beneath him..."she the deep blue sea and he her sky". Wow.
Your imagery makes it possible for someone to be able to close their eyes and "feel" this piece...hear the seagulls, feel the warmth of the sand, how she can feel him, even the feeling of peace.
They say to write better, you should read more. I learn alot from reading your stuff. Really beautiful piece.
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Between yourself and myself(and the entire internet community) this is more about post orgasmic experience than a day at the beach. Thank you for the compliments and for enjoying this one which is one of my personal favourites. And thank you particularly for 'nailing' exactly what the title is about. The beauty of an impossible union. >W<
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Yeah, I got that WH. But I guess I've had a stolen post orgasmic experience or two during a day at the beach. There's great poignancy to what you said about the beauty of an impossible union. Been there.
Butterfly
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Beautiful.
This piece is strikingly beautiful. The rising action of the minimalist plot and the imagery each function as a buffer to the other - much like the undertow acts as restraint to the tides of the ocean. This results in a flawless balance between the two, conveying an image so perfectly crystalline that I had to sit back and submit, basking in its piercing clarity.
I have nothing to offer but praise.
A wonderful poem.
-Adam
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Hard to answer that
Thank you for your overwhelmingly gracious comment here, Adam. I must say I'm more than a little intrigued as to how you came to review this rather old offering of mine amongst so many others. Gratified, though - not only because your comment is so gracious (and eloquent) but because this is one of my own all-time favourites. Perhaps you would enlighten me.
I'll be returning the compliment as soon as I can. My most sincere thanks. John. -
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Chance
I stumbled upon this gem while perusing the "In the spotlight" section. I read a few lines and simply could not resist further inquiry.
-Adam
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Wonderful!
This is wonderful writing... The ending (the most important part of a poem, in my opinion) so beautifully ties the whole thing together that I almost got a tear in my eye after I read it. The picture is SO vividly painted. You can almost see a woman sitting on a beach with her hair waving in the wind, looking out into the distance....
I would have used more capital letters, perhaps to separate my statements if I were you, but that's a matter of choice, and it varies from poet to poet. There's also something that makes me think it would flow better if you switched "giddy" and "small" in the fourth line of the third stanza. "Their small and giddy cries." Again, a matter of choice, but give it a thought, and do as you see fit.
This is an astoundingly beautiful piece of poetry here. I enjoyed it from start to finish. I hope to see more beautiful poetry by your hand. -
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Hi
Hello Piano Guy and welcome to Sharepo. Thank you for your very generous and considered comment. I like this one myself, which makes such support all the more rewarding. By way of thanks I have adopted your suggested word swap and adde in a few capitals, although increasingly I like to use only line and stanza breaks to 'pace' my poems. I noticed all the capitals coincided with stanza breaks and it's funny using them again having not done so in so long. Hope you think it looks better this way.
I'm very busy at work just now but I'll try to return the favor a.s.a.p.
Thank you again.
Windhover.
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Another great one...
...by you! All of your word choice and use of imagery, (and everything else actually) tied together in my mind: it all sort of unified to give me a complete picture of the beach and the ocean, with all its aspects combined.
I also noticed how you started each line with a small letter and never used a 'pause' punctuation at the end of a line: for example, a comma, full stop, semicolon, or any of those. Any particular reason?
nish[81]
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The rules of punctuation in poetry - if indeed they exist- are different to prose. Since a word may have great importance because of its sound more than its meaning or because it makes a rhyme or some such, capitals should not be awarded gratuitously. Punctuation marks are also a distraction, imposing breaks in the 'flow' which should be 'controlled' by the reader. The line breaks shoud be used by the writer to indicate where he thinks pauses and emphases should be placed - hence 'waves' gets line 12 to itself, giving it importance and encouraging the reader to reflect on it. The other reason for using line breaks this way, is that it makes the poem very easy to read when 'performing' it at, say, a reading.
Thanks for both your gracious comment and your interest . >W< -
PS
sorry, I forgot to say that I liked the way you introduced 'him':
"and the roar of her heartbeat -
or was it his?-"
so subtle, a male hasn't even been mentioned so far, and suddenly - there he is!
great
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Really great!!!!! Great figurative usage of the sea and sky for her and him... And am really glad that you ended the way you did. It is very fashionable these days to leave a poem semi complete under the pretext of "letting the reader think" and that rarely works for me (with all due respect to people who write like that. Its just a personal opinion) I didnt like the 2nd to last stanza a lot. The beginning there is great " weight pressed and soothed her" then the "like warm sand.... receding" didnt really strike a chord.
Its still a great write...
Cheers.
. Rewarded 4
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Erotic can be beautiful...
...but rarely so as this, John. "piled high by playing children / their giddy and small cries / fading, receding" - "she the deep blue sea / and he / her sky". Now who's showing off? and has every right to. It's simply joyous, with all the evocative seductions of earth at her most primal: cries, mystery, deep, heartbeats, gulls heard as alien, and on and on: masterfully chosen images, perfectly dictioned.
Until recently, we had a "poet laureate" here in the States, good poet, Billy Collins. But he could never write as richly as this.
One of your very best, Bird. Amazing. (Is that what she said to you after the storm?)
Lad
. Rewarded 4
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Is it because Valentine's Day is coming up that you are in this romantic mood? Lucky Mrs. Windhover!
This is a very original piece, making the sea and the sky lovers. Now that you've said it, it seems so natural and obvious. The horizon line is an excellent metaphor for that ephemeral space between two people in love.
You've done an excellent job pacing the poem to reflect a wave rhythm. It's very quiet, gentle, and peaceful. I especially like the image of the world returning "piecemeal." In that one word, you really nail the sense one gets at a storm breaking away to reveal calm once more.
A fine write-- not that we expect anything less.
. Rewarded 4
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Hi,
The calm after the storm. I like how you made the ocean female and the sky male. I didn’t quite get line 10 until I read the last stanza.
My favorite lines“ her breathing rasped
like the swell of the water on shingle shore” Very good imagery.
Bill
. Rewarded 4
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Hi Back
Thank you Bill, glad you liked it. I liked that image myself, that sound is so distinctive and yet, like everything to do with the sea, so universally recognizable almost at a primal level. So nice to get feedback and know something 'worked' . Poetry about sex is always tricky. Thanks again. >W<
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