arriving in Kilkee
seeing that
sea
the solid soft swell of its hue
stained glass simmering vast and cold molten
shot through with sunlight from a sky
of such impossible blue
no day could long sustain it
as if the soon-to-come rain
was itself
shining
and there
at the mouth of the bay
an ermine slash of foaming spray marked the reef
dazzling white teeth of Madame La Mer
such stark relief
the cliffs of Moher kneel low here
kissing the shore
where the surge fills the small steep fjords
between their knees
and the white salt explodes in the deep
to make momentary bergs –
huge submerged illusions
billowing,fathoming
creating
then the rains came
like a weak invading army
wave after wave
of grey and changing fronts that swept
in from the Atlantic
frantically trying to cover and paint that day
but spread too thin
the persistent bright of their canvas
indomitable
yet they rained in
blow after blow
and such wind made music
to go with
God’s light-show
later there were black skies
and rainbows in the sunlight
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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very discriptive painting a masterpiece. Art on canvas with a pen. Absolutely wonderful. Enjoyed the read.
. Rewarded 4
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I can taste the salt sting on my face
Seascapes are one of those subjects that one wonders of there can possibly be anything new to say, or at least a new way to express the inexpressible awe one feels when faced with the power and beauty of places where ocean meets the land. You have done it here, though, at least for this reader. I think the inclusion of the place names, - West coast of Ireland I assume, although the term fjord is more Norse. The effect of 'fjord' here is two fold, suggesting the connections between ancient Norse and ancient Celtic mythology , but also showing a jagged almost violent violation as an image.
I am not sure if I like
'Dazzling white teeth of Madame le Mer'
(but then why should you be bothered about what I like and don't like). As an image the teeth part works well for me, but Mme le Mer - I don't know, maybe plonking the French term into Shannon is a bit trop de if I have to assimilate the Nordic fjord in the next stanza?
I was impressed by the way that you achieved the overall images of the shifting colours of the sea and skyscape; conveyed the movement and the sounds by varying the line lengths - speeding up, slowing down like clouds whipping across the light, and with the careful use of breakwords and enjambments.
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks Dereva
Your comment is considered and insightful. I don' usually do descriptive stuff like this but these sights were really so breathtaking I was moved to give it a go. Fiords is not a word chosen for its poetic value, it's just the best word to describe the steepness of the sides of the inlets that cause such amazing surf-scapes in the depths they create. As for 'dazzling white teeth of Madame La Mer', how do you say it looked like the sea was brushing her teeth and had toothpaste all over her lips? (thinks)Just like that perhaps? Anyway, glad you liked it and thanks for taking the time to tell me so. >W< -
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You are most welcome.
I envy you the image of the frothing toothpaste and the teeth behind, it describes exactly the breakers on Flamborough Head- another spectacular sight. It extends the mind's eye into thoughts of 'full fathom five' and wrecks and washed smooth bones. It's just that they are 'Madame la mer's teeth, female pearlies, I think that bothers me- of course I appreciate that it needs a body for the personification and 'Neptune's gnashers' would be a bit PRB. Aegir's perhaps to tie in with the ancient Norse connection? Oh what am I doing? It is your poem, not mine, and I am not usually bold enough to pick at or make suggestions on other people's poems.
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swell
some really breath-taking lines here, W. "ermine slash" cliffs kneeling and kissing, gentle rhymes of shore/fjords. The "rains... a weak invading army" is the kind of line that will return to my mind to fulfil a view. Beautiful poetic eyesight conveyed, and a beautiful photograph too!
The only comment I'll make, as I know I can trust you to, is that it doesn't quite feel edited. Rather, it feels like a layering of highly attuned impressions, which are themselves very beautiful, but which perhaps havn't had the crafting, sculpting hand that would make a finished "piece" - a sketch shall I say?
A beautiful one, and well worth the read. All best, Ag.. Rewarded 8
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I get your point JJ and in truth, it started as no more than the layered impressions you describe. It IS simply a description of on fantastic day in a beautiful place in the West. It has been considerably reworked though and I doubt if I shall work it any further. The introspection of others on this site showed me several interpretations I had never considered when I wrote it. The idea of the salt sea as life itself is a very old one and Poetry, like Nature, is economical in its design. The explosions of surf deep between the knees of Mother Earth were fantastically beautiful (I recall this scene from over 2 years ago and I'm glad you like the picture of Kilkee bay. I was delighted to find it, encapsulating as it does so much, but not all, of whats in the poem) - but it never struck me how beautifully symbolic that might have been until I attempted to describe it in writing. Hence the title and why it will always be a favourite of mine. Thanks for bringing me back to it. >W<
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Love it
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Well written,
Terrific imagery of rugged nature by the seaside. I could feel the wind and rain on my face while staring into the ocean.
Bill
. Rewarded 4
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i usually cannot relate very well to poems about nature, but this was amazing. after the line with "impossible blue" was read, i couldn't stop reading until i finished. this is so descriptive and i feel the intense scene you are depicting.
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Thanks for reading and commenting
I don't usually do nature poems either so thanks for sticking with it and liking it. >W<
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Classic Bird
John, this is the sort of story-book poetic vision of natural beauty that got me hooked on your work to begin with-- the landscape of Europe is truly your muse! And, like hobby, I noticed the Freudian imagery in some of these stanzas, coupled with your tendency to personify nature as women-- Madame le Mer indeed!
I especially liked the description of a gentle rain coming in as a weak army-- that type of movement perfectly captures the changeable nature. I also thought the "ermine" waves crashing in with teeth was a powerful image. Well done!
XXX,
Lauren
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I blush!
Praise from Caesar here, especially in the light of your newest poem! Thanks for the kind comments and glad you liked it. I never would have put landscape down as my muse but my descriptive poems, though not my personal favourites, seem to some of my best liked by others.
I might have known a rascal like yourself would pick up on what Hobby said. I swear none of it was intentional, but in the light of his, and now your, remarks I've kind of run with the Freudian thing and made one small change. Can you spot it? Thanks again Lauren, always great to see your handle on a comment. >W<
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Hi
Good revision.
I’ve noticed that the third stanza would probably keep Freud occupied for weeks!
Rgds
Hobby.
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My thanks are due..
..to you and Lad both. As for the Freudian thing, I assure you it was done it a subconscious level. But having 'twigged' it - ha ha - the whole thing could look downright degenerate! That makes you an accessory after the fact. Thanks again. >W<
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JohnBird is slow? So's the turtoise...
...and guess who won that race?
Glad you like "simmering" - a true stroke of genius on my part.........!!
Kind of liked the mystery of Atalantic, though; sorry it had to go. Not to worry: I'm working on a poem right now about the Paciafic Ocean, typo be damned.
Lad -
Good choices for revision, Bird...
...that smooth out the painting. I can sense the work involved in this one, both original and revised.
You asked about "shimmering" stained glass. The stained glass is fine, but under light, as in the poem, it already shimmers. Perhaps "stained glass simmering"? Amazing what the change of one little letter will do.
Still puzzled by "Atalantic." It's probably the name of a local lake or stream?
GOOD poem.
Lad -
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I'm slow - but I get there in the end!
The Atalantic is a small is island off the coast of County Clare
from where
the 'Atalans' (close brethren on the Northern Spanish 'Catalans' hail, well known for their tradit..okay it was a typo. Loved your tip about 'simmering and it's definitely IN - plus some! I hate to say it but whenever a poem has felt like really hard work it seems to get great reviews. There goes another dream of an easy life ! Cheers Lad!
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Beeyootiful Descriptive
This one flowed like a deluge down naked skin, Windhover. I reckon tis one of your best. Timeless, makes an immediate impression.
Your spacing is perfect enhancing the erratic rhythm of the elements. Indeed the spacing reminds me of waves. lines 2-4 representing the stasis between ebb and flow before the build up of crashing breakers smashing against the shingle.
The descriptive flair here is so replete with coherent nature imagery that I think personally that perhaps the mention of the title in line 38-39 is unneccesary.
I loved line 15 especially though and I d add "..foaming spray.."
Heres to your mare nostrum, John.
(Though a Norwegian might say fjords? what fjords? you call those fjords...)
Looking forward to a second readthru.
Cheers
gG
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As You Wish , Oh gGreat One !
I have installed your suggestion forthwith as well as an apologetic adjective by way of recompense for the theft of some of the gGreat One's mother tongue. Spare me thy Viking wrath , mighty Odin . So fulsome was thy praise of this poor fare methinks thee might perhaps rip the piss somewhat. But then again - perhaps not - and I thank thee! >W< -
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I Piss Thee Not
Well deserved praise and Freya forbid that I might pee on thy parade. Verily t´wouldst maketh of me a truly damp squid!
You might be getting a visit from some slightly rabid beserkers however, who still haven t forgiven Ireland for the battle of Clontarf (1042?).
ThorgGrim Bloodaxe -
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had to tell you that as you sent this comment re the Battle of Clontarf, I was opening an e-mail in which a friend of mine presented a piece for radio about Dublin Bay and - the Battle of Clontarf. I cycle to Clontarf at least once a week. I never knew we even disliked the Vikings let alone had a battle with them! Till today. You've done this sort of thing to me before (the Auschwitz poem) Maybe you'd like to hear the recording? Anyway - spooky or what !
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Synchronicity Nicity
Yepp. That was odd, Windhover. Perhaps at that very battle you and I were fellow combatants (hardly on opposite sides!).
As it ´appens, there s a funny story attached to this. A bunch of crazy beserkers high on mushrooms smashed through the Irish lines and didn t stop until they d reached the camp where Irish hero and uniter of the tribes, Brian Boru was praying for victory.They slaughtered him and all his retainers but (coming down) realised they were waaaay behind enemy lines with half the Irish army (understandably peeved) closing in on them. So they did a runner towards a river and forgetting the armour they were wearing jumped in and...
sank.
This depleted the Norsemen of their "crack" force and the battle ended in an extremely bloody draw (although considered a Phyrric victory for the Irish).
What a laugh, eh?
Well now I know whereabouts you live.
gG
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A beautifully described scene.
Ireland at her best.
There are some fantastic moments in here which (to me at least) capture the essence of descriptive poetry e.g ‘the cliffs of Moher kneel low here’ or ‘such impossible blue
no day could long sustain’.
I have a different view to Lad on the line ‘boiled-sweet cobalt’ I find it too abstract for this poem additionally in the previous line ‘solid soft’ doesn’t work either.
I think some minor revision to tighten this up would add shine and polish this piece off nicely e.g. in S2 ‘white’ does not need to be repeated twice in two lines one instance can be dropped or replaced with a different adjective.
I like the idea of the music to accompany the Light Show, I think this could be developed by taking the various elements and attributing them an orchestral section e.g. rain - percussion, gulls – horns etc. etc.
A dull day seen through an the eyes of an optimist.
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Thanks Hobby
Your comment is thoughtful, measured and solid as always. And yet again I've taken much of it on board resulting in even more changes to a poem I must confess I'm quite pleased with. This one took a lot of thought and revision but I think it's about done now. I liked your suggestions about the music, but sounds were not a big part of that day. The West was at her outrageous best and even though that day is two years old I will never forget it. This poem is an attempt both to share and record it. I'm glad you liked it and thank you for commenting so astutely and positively. >W<
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Simply beautiful...
...to my eyes and ears and to my mind. JohnBird, such loveliness captured, and in the tenderest of language. To my eyes and ears: a canvas by Monet; to my mind, images that your blessed compatriot Yeats would succumb to. The rhymes and rhythms are just-right subtle, until, again just-right, the rain comes "in blow after blow...to go with God's light-show." And that ending couplet is wonderful - the conflicting but oddly blending images of "black skies" "rainbows" and "sunlight." Now THAT's what only a passionate
lover of words can accomplish.
Some phrases just glow:
boiled-sweet cobalt;
dazzling white teeth of Madame La Mer;
white salt explodes;
gray and changing fronts;
persistent bright.
My only thought: perhaps too many "the"s in the "rain came in" stanza? Maybe tightened up as:
rain came like a weak invading army...
persistent brights...
and wind made music...
Also, I think "fjiords" should be fjords or fiords, and do you want "Atalantic"? Maybe so. But those are mere drops on your sweet canvas!!
Lad
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Thought you might like this one
And thanks for the glowing remarks on it. I've changed it a little as suggested and I'm also considering a suggestion by Hobby that 'boiledsweet' should be changed. I wasn't sure everyone would know what a boiled sweet was. But then you liked it. I was toying with 'molten stain glass ' and maybe even have it 'heaving'. What do you think?
I was pleased to come up with the picture of Kilkee bay and a lot of what I wrote about is in it. Except for that impossibly blue sky which , along with the stunning white foam on the reef, gave the sea its incredible colour that morning before the squalls rushed in . then, every time you looked around all the colours had changed and the light was doing something different. Later on you could have found a hundred pots of gold as the rainbows struck identifiable landfalls like a solitary tree or the hollow in the hills the one in the picture seems to disappear into. It was 2 years ago. White toothpaste foam reminded me of it.
Particularly glad you liked this one - you ol' softee you! My Best >W<
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