I waited for ages to fall in love.
Then, as soon as I did,
I began falling apart –
the loss of my heart
precipitating, it seemed, the loss of all cohesion.
For, while the me I’d known
all his life
was bright and breezy,
in love
he simply couldn’t be
easy
Both he
and I
were a mess.
I became stressed,
angst-ridden and jealous.
I hated it
and soon started hating myself.
Of course I got dumped
knew it was because she
was right about me -
whoever he was.
Back on the shelf,
I took stock
and mustered my defenses.
Slowly, my senses returned
and I went back into battle,
treating women like goods and chattels
because I was afraid of them.
Things went along fine
for a time
but time moves on
and truth was lying
in wait.
It happened again.
Man’s need for a mate
scuppered me.
Push came to shove
and I fell
in love
and
to pieces
avalanched by emotions
that devastated
the fragile forestation of my cool.
Love makes fools of us all,
especially those who try to play it smart.
Affairs of the heart make treason
of piffling reason.
I believed I was doomed.
I felt like a misfit -
like I was cursed.
And worse –
I felt like a fraud.
Like I was odd
and I didn’t belong.
Then she came along
and said,
‘It’s okay – I like you that way.’
And I loved her for that.
Still do.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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lol...sounds like me, except i haven't found her yet...great use of words ur style is fun to read
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Thank you
'fun to read' and 'sounds like me' are two great compliments for this poem. Thank you for both of them >W<
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You have a strong vocabulary and the poem shows if off in the best light. The poem also caught my attention in that it tells an emotionally charged tale and ended on such a great note. A few critical thoughts:
Clearly you feel strongly about the message that you try to have your poem convey. However, as a casual reader, I cannot see this world that you envisioned as you wrote these words. You are very often telling rather than showing what's going on.
For example:
I waited for ages to fall in love.
Then, as soon as I did,
I began falling apart –
the loss of my heart
precipitating, it seemed, the loss of all cohesion.
It is very prose-like and tells all that it says in bland statements. It makes no attempt to appeal to the senses (senses being sight, smell, taste, touch etc) or to pull the reader into the experience.
I am told what happened, what happens and how the speaker in the poem is feeling, but the poem shuts me out. Intellectually I know what's going on, but I do not experience it. For me, as a reader, it is as if I am standing outside in the cold, and can hear faint sounds coming from inside a house, yet the window I'm tyring to look through is shuttered and barred.
I am forced to scramble to make something up, and without guidance, what I make up is vague and inferior to whatever bright images and powerful emotions experienced when the poem was written.
Nevertheless, I did enjoy the sound and structure of the poem.
Best of luck,
Nocturne -
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We seem to differ
Dear Nocturne,
Thank you for reading my work and for this considered and detailed critique. I have to say it left me wondering how I could have so totally missed the mark and I've given it some thought.
I suspect you may have been misled by the title and perhaps you expected to be engaged at an emotional level. The poem is a more reflective, introspective and investigative. When I write, I take the view that the human condition is pretty much universal. If I have experienced something, then there are others who will relate to it. The minutiae of each experience is relatively unimportant in terms of its universality I believe. The reader will either 'get' the point pretty much immediately - or not at all.
I agree, it is a somewhat prosaic style but it is not prose, and, as such it should not be bound by the rules of prose, such as ' show - don't -tell' . To 'show' the events the poem discusses would take a very long, tedious and depressing novel, I assure you.
You compliment me on my vocabulary, yet there is precious little you'd need a dictionary for here and I had aimed for straightforward and forthright language.
You say you liked the structure, but it could hardly be more loosely structured and is almost entirely flow of consciousness.
It seems we are coming at this from rather different angles. But such is the wonderful tapestry of existence. Thank you again for the comment and for stimulating poetic discussion.
My Very Best. Windhover -
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I do realize now that this is more a writer-poem, intended to be taken as you writing from your heart. What the reader gets from the poem is not the main reason for the poem's existence, it's what the writer felt when he/she wrote the poem. I approached it as a poem that was written for the reader, and so my comment was based on my subjective perception (rather lack thereof) of what was going on.
While a certain amount of ambiguity is very fun in a poem [no one wants to be told everything, with nothing left up to the imagination - that would be dull], I felt that this poem put too much in the hands of the reader. I'm clueless. I don't even have a starting point from which to move in some direction [of course there is the image, but Im still not certain of a direction]. And I so wished to see the poem's brilliant world and the multifaceted meanings.
When I said show vs tell, I did note mean tell more, I was simply saying that concrete details do more for me than abstractions.
"Like I was odd
and I didn’t belong."
is abstract. Something like: "Long-sleeved sweater/at a beack party" would be just as short and would imply the same sort of idea of not belonging, but by throwing a snapshot at the reader, the reader would be engaged instead of informed.
That was all I meant/was suggesting. But I do see now that I was off the mark. Your aim in writing was different from mine in reading.
As for vocabulary, my fault. I meant diction and use of sonics.
As for the structure, though the poem is not in accentual-syllibic verse, it does have a structure - even if it within free. I enjoyed the rhythmic qualities, and the structure as there was - stanza, linebreaks, the several short lines for dramatic effect.
Again, I should have been more clear. Sorry about that.
Best, Nocturne
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This is a beautiful poem with a wonderful ending. It's so simple in the wording and yet so well-crafted with space between the lines just giving the reader a sense of softness and compassion and indeed love. I think this works well with line 11 only with a different effect. The fact the word 'easy' appears separated, playing with the line, the rhyme etc. so that it appears uneasy just works on many levels. I really like lines 38-42. I think it's the rhyme 'push, shove, love' followed by 'to pieces' is very effective. Also I would just like to say it's shows your versatility as a poet because this poem is so different to Windhover's Syndrome (Gonagle's Tourettes) I can't really add much in terms of constructive feedback other than I found myself when reading aloud line 55 I find it hard to rhyme 'fraud' and 'odd' naturally. It came out a bit 'aooud'. Sorry no pun intended. Oh and thank you so much for your reply and message about my poem. It is much appriciated
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I also liked the identity play. Might think about defining it a bit more, though. I'm not sure if it was intended to refer to you, or to the other as well. Though, it did become clear when you used "she".
This is a very prosaic poem, and I think you should play with your line breaks a little. Sometimes you have these sentences that would flow very nicely as single lines, but you break them up. There's a value in going for long lines in between all the short ones. It can emphasize a point, emotion, etc.
Really liked this line: "...devastated/the fragile forestation of my cool." I wanted more like that.
Cheers,
Yossarian. Rewarded 8
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Cheers Yossarian
Catch 22 is one of my favourite books and films.
Not wishing to be argumentative but I suspect few writers play around with line breaks more than me. I went over it again, looking for long-line opportunities as you suggested but couldn't find too many that worked for me.
I was delighted you picked up on the lines and points you did though, as they were what I thought were best about the poem as well. Many thanks again. >W< -
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No worries. The best thing about constructive criticism is that it can be constructively ignored!
: D
But seriously, that's fine. Sometimes you have what you need already, and tweaking it isn't necessary.
Cheers again,
Yossarian
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shows promise!
I want to say there is one truly awesome part of this poem and that is the way you used the gimmick of playing with the pronouns so succesfully-- you didn't just play with "me" and "he" for the sake of it, it really shows the identity confusion without confusing your audience... I really really like that and it's impressive. The rhyme scheme that comes and goes, on occasion a sudden jump in rhyme matches up with some of the sudden jumps in the rhythm, and when they coincide like that it's jarring and breaks up the unity of the poem.
. Rewarded 8
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My Thanks
Glad you liked that bit. Like many good ideas it just kind of presented itself in the writing and I thought it really suited the subject. Sorry if it jumps about a bit but I usually write 'flow of consciousness' and I find too much streamlining tends to compromise the emotion/meaning I'm aiming for.
I really appreciate your considered comment. >W<
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Normally, songs can be written about one of two things: a specific event, or an idea/emotion. i generally find that its similar for poems. This poem, however, combined both of those, and it really worked well for that.
Your line breaks served well to break any potential monotony in the poem, by providing unexpected breaks. But they were more than just a gimmick to provide breaks, because they came at areas where important thoughts were expressed, and as such they also contributed to the interpretation of the poem.
This poem also had some really great lines/areas. My particular favourite has to be
"Back on the shelf,
I took stock
and mustered my defenses.
Slowly, my senses returned
and I went back into battle,
treating women like goods and chattels
because I was afraid of them."
Because it's so true, and you just went straight out and admitted it. So important in poetry.
I also liked "the fragile forestation of my cool." Not much I can say about that, it's just a neat way to put it, combined with alliteration.
Love has been described so many times and its so hard to describe it, and that's a challenge that is faced with anyone who attempts a poem about love. I like the way you did it, and I really do think it succeeded on the areas you aimed for.
nish(81)
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Thank you Nish
It's always gratifying to get such a considered and positive review, especially when the reader seems to have 'got' just what you were trying to get at. This is really not a love poem despite its title (though I hope it ends up being one just the same). It's meant to be a look at how devastating the effects of this hugely powerful emotion can be in ways that are often frightening and unwelcome and leave us shivering and naked in our thoughts. Hence my gratification that you should pick out the passage describing the effects of avalanche. Also that you noted the importance the line breaks were intended to confer. Thank you again for the sort of comment that makes this a really great site. My Very Best >W<
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Hi, John. I think the very great virtue of its poem is its absolute straightforwardness. I like how you were not afraid to say that love makes you a bad person-- I think that that says more about the relationships you were in than about you. And I like how you flat-out admitted,
"and I went back into battle,
treating women like goods and chattels
because I was afraid of them."
Very ballsy. Also, the rhyme and rhythm of this piece was superb.
I am generally not a fan of love poems, in any way, shape or form, but this piece worked for me, especially on the second and third reading. I love it when a writer can take what I perceive to be a tired subject and breathe new life into it.
Cheers,
Lauren
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A great result for me
Hi Lauren. I have to be very pleased with this comment. You've grasped the points I wanted to make. Indeed I wouldn't have considered it a love poem at all, but for the last two words which I almost consider an enjambment. It was meant more as a reflection and contemplation on the nature of the beast that is love. I don't know that it made me a bad person or even made me do bad things. But it did make me a crazy person doing crazy things about which I seemed to have no control. In fact, I believe it uncovered the unruly inner child in me, still looking to be accepted unconditionally. Not pretty. But when we find someone who can look at that and think it's pretty cool - we've found our mate. I think a lot of materialism is trying to cover up this basic vulnerability we all have but I didn't try to stretch the poem that far.
Thanks for the (typically) insightful and incisive comment. J.
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Awwwww....
...how can I be nasty with a topic like this...hmmm
A classic subject with a windhover treatment! It is perfect, John. I love it.
Esp. loved
" avalanched emotions
that devastated
the fragile of my cool"
and
"Affairs of the heart make treason
of piffling reason"
touche! lol
Another beauty from you John -- you know this will get to my fav list, right?
warmest thoughts,
L
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This one was written for big softees like you!
..by the biggest softee of all - me! Glad you liked it and thanks for picking out some of my own favourite bits. Hugs >W<
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Hey,
Falling in love is always a risk. Since you are giving away some of yourself to someone else. And if that person just walks all over that piece of yourself, well it hurts. But that is what is the best about falling in love, falling apart.
Really nice read JohnBird
Bill
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Never thought about it that way..
..and I can't imagine I would ever 'like' that sensation of becoming 'unglued'. However, if you think of drug-addicts..and is there a greater drug? I heard recently that the real buzz for gambling addicts is LOSING! I wonder is this what you mean? Anyway thanks for the stimulating comment Bill. >W<
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To quote old Will Shakespeare...
...and jiggle a word in it: "Is this a mirror I see before my eyes?" Oh, yeh! I've been there the hundreds of times that your poem implies; no fun at all those times, but later...a bit o' joy at being so lucky before my shelf-life expired!
Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy (at last, the dummy) finds girl - a final different girl, but the utterly right one.
The poem's a beauty, Bird, for all its technical skill with meter and rhyme, but more: its humanity constructed, deconstructed, and then re-built. Those masterful lines 40-50 are among the best of ALL your work for me to enjoy.
Thought: line 4's "immediately" seems unneeded - already imaged in line 3's "as soon as..." ???
This one's sunny as all get-out, John, especially because it's honest enough to break through years of dark clouds. Nothing like that sun!
Ciao.
Lad
. Rewarded 8
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Cheers Lad.
Particcularly glad to hear that someone identifies with this one. I'd hoped to be expressing a human emotion I once believed to be unique to myself and which I'm sure many experience similarly. You also pointed out the only piece I seriously re-wrote, and I was secretly chuffed with my little avalanche analogy. Leave it to your careful eye! Thanks Teach! >W<
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hey windover
seems like your style has really emerged, I'd recongnize this as a windover poem without your name on it. this includes a polished feel, good econony of words, line breaks, use of rhyme all the while telling us a story and with some kind of moral. very enjoyable.
dave. Rewarded 6
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Hey Dave
Thanks for saying that. If I have style or 'voice' of my own I guess this is it, though as you've seen, I dabble with things as they take my fancy. I expected you to give me a hard time about my rap poem but you missed your chance to 'bust my hump (?)'. Joking aside , I'm hugely pleased with this praise from Caesar. Thanks again. >W<
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Sterling work
W - There's a quality of intense nonchalance if that's even possible as an emotional condition. The story moves without a hitch in plot or sequence, and keeps the reader focused and interested (maybe the intensity is on the reader's part) I see a sort of male Dorothy Parker humor and quality to it. And here we go with the tinkering - not much , just a couple of lines that didn't seem to flow along with the others. L5 - maybe: "...precipitated, it seemed, /the loss of cohesion..." 2S-2L - "...through this life..."
And then the end of the third full stanza - "...whichever me he was..." Last two lines - "I loved her for that / and still do." Nice thing about suggestions - you don't have to take them. Cheers - MJ. Rewarded 8
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Hey MJ
Intense nonchalance sounds pretty good to me, something to do with it being written with the great advantage of hindsight I suppose. These things can look funny looking back but it certainly wasn't a joke at the time. And I felt like I was the only person in the world who ever felt that way. Hopefully it will resonate with others, even at this late date! I feel like a miserable git only adopting one of your suggestions - you're so generous in your own re-writes, but the off-beat of 'whoever he was' and the enjambment of 'still do' were quite deliberate. Thanks for reading and for the positive comment. >W<
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I love the topic of this poem and how it gently drifts down the page, It was intriguing to read, and my please to comment. It is easy for a reader to relate to, which a lot of times is important. Wonderful job here, keep the pen flowing!
Emily.
. Rewarded 4
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Sincere thanks Emily
I don't like to be cryptic when I write, it's hard enough to communicate when we're trying to be straightforward! Glad you liked this one and thanks for commenting. >W<
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pretty
I like how it's not about learning how to control your love crazy self but instead finding someone who likes you like that. This is a fun kind hearted piece that I throughly enjoyed.
-Red- -
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Thanks Red
You must be my most stalwart supporter here! Always glad to hear from you, especially since you're always so positive. Anything stirring with you? Hugs >W<
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A light and airy piece with sneaky little rhymes. It has a wonderfully pleasing whimsical lilt.
I like the dichotomy of the before love him and the I and the whole mess of identity that the beast makes of a fellow. Before he meets the person with the solution to it all of course.
Line 32 for a {time} [while]? (keeps the rhyme without repeating 'time' so closely together?
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Hindsight is light and airy
But it didn't feel that way at the time. I hope this will resonate for some people and that this particular human condition was not unique to me. But yes, it's hard not to be at least a little whimsical in hindsight. The repeat of 'time' was quite deliberate, there being times and time, but thanks for the spot on it anyway and thanks for commenting so positively. (It won't save you from my lawsuit though!) >W<
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