The mare is called 'Passion'
and she is your pride and joy.
Chestnut brown, toned and lithe, she was born to race
and needs to be given her head each day.
No-one may ride her but you, her mistress -
and the blacksmith.
When you bring her to his forge you dress in your finery.
You love how he helps you down from her back
and how he handles her.
You stay to watch him work.
How you love to see him toil,
sweat glistening as he beats
red hot steel to his will
for the shoeing of this mare -
the hiss of elemental impact
- fire on water as he dowses.
She is soothed by him,
loving his firm touch
and the sure thud of the hammer at the nails,
how they sink into the yielding firmness of the hoof.
She likes the feel of her new shoes
and the sweep of the grooming brush along her back,
the currycomb in her mane.
She likes the noise her new steel makes on the cobbled street -
how men's heads turn to look -
but see only a lady on a horse.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Wow, you made me like a poem about a horse
This is a beautifully vivid poem. Aside from it's very rich description, what soon became evident, and what I found absolutely fascinating (and I think I'll most likely steal this concept for a poem at some point) is that you're describing a thing, and what it's doing, and... yes, you describe how it was born to race, etc etc, but in a way the poem begins to say far more about the people who are around the horse, than the horse itself.
The name of the horse, it's temperament, you could see all this as extensions of the woman's personality. Especially as "No-one may ride her but you". There's a symbiosis between the two, they seem to share the same temperament. Or perhaps they represent a restrained desire, all this "passion" restrained by her role in society, her finery, her refinement and all anyone else sees is "a lady on a horse".
Yeah, I liked it a lot.
Out of interest, I read an almost semi-love poem (or "lust-poem" into this. The lady's connection to the horse and the blacksmith's connection to the horse, seemed to almost inherently produce this very clsoe connection, through the horse, between blacksmith and lady. And then of course the "you love to see him work bit" could be taken in an academic admiration way, or in a... less platonic way. hehe
Laters,
Iorek. Rewarded 8
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A Veil can be very alluring...
Hey Iorek. Nice to see you again. I'm particularly pleased you found (and liked) this one. Your instincts about a hidden agenda here are of course, spot on. I really wasn't trying too hard to conceal that - indeed the poem would be rather banal without the strong sexual overtones implied. The horse's name gives the game away (at least it's supposed to) for the mare represents the lady's sexuality. The blacksmith is indeed her lover. After a visit to the forge she's feeling pretty good about herself. Don't know just how I came up with the idea for such 'personification' or whatever this is, but hopefully , like you , most people most people will appreciate the veil thrown over one of man's (and woman's) most beautiful but unsightly pleasures.Thanks for reading and appreciating - and then commenting. You made my day. >W< -
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"sweat glistening as he beats
red hot steel to his will"
Lets you see that bit in a whole new light.
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When I saw the title typically I thought it was going to be about new shoes, but I was shocked in the best way
Such great imagery. Apart from that The flow of it a stand out quality aso. A great piece I really enjoyed
. Rewarded 4
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Hey Cindyanne. Thanks for looking this old gem out for me. As you can see from my previous correspondence, this one is one of my own favourites, one of those you write and just think "Yes!!" I was going to entitle it 'Passion' but I usually trawl a poem to see if it volunteers its own title - and this one just jumped out at me. Really glad you liked it and thank you for saying so. >W<
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Very elegant. Very confident.
Now here's a man who knows his horses (!) I love the way you develop the double image, master it, play with it. Very sexy and precise, "the yielding firmness of the hoof" I particularly like, "She likes the feel of her new shoes." Exceptional, I look forward to reading more.
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you picked this one . I think it's one of my best and it came at a time when the pen isn't exactly flowing for me. Regards >W<
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Ahh... now this one makes me go ahh... fantastic. The mare and the lady vying for the same hunk of a black-smith... And for me the charm is in the "jealousy" of the horse that you bring in the very last line. I guess this poem could have gone on in many different ways. But I think you took the best route.
The most charming thing about the technique for me was the use of the pronouns, which though aplenty still do not confuse. Pronouns I think can make a poem supremely poetic. Thats what you have achieved here.
Just one thing... maybe you could extend the context of the 1st line in S2? I mean, say more that just that she is quiet for him... Get out a bit of the "Passion's (the mare)" passion and love. Just a thought.
Fantastic poem!!!
Cheers.. Rewarded 8
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Thank you H.
I'm glad you liked this one, particularly since it was an instant personal favourite. I wondered about which 'pronouns' you were alluding to - could it be you meant 'metaphors' - if so it is a charmingly poetic slip of the tongue from someone not a native speaker. I also suspect you identified a line that has been niggling at me unbeknownst, and I have made a change I think you'll approve of. You did however misread my metaphor of the horse. It denotes the woman's sexuality and passion itself. Hope that will make it a more interesting re-read. Thank you for reading and commenting so positively and extensively. My Best >W< -
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1. i meant "pronouns"... the she, her, you... all of 'em. I guess i did not make myself clear. Pronouns make a poem very "human". Especially the ones like you your his her... anything other than "it" and the usage adds a certain charm to the poem. Don't think I can articulate that better.
2. I am not a native english speaker... but my english is quite ok... This is a second comment i got on my english in the space of 3 poems... argh.. people... i know my english well enough...
3. Yes... i did misread the metaphor of horse... but guess what... i liked the poem as i read it too
4. I do like the revision you have made
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G.M would be proud...
John, I think the internal rhyme in this is just extraordinary, as in extra-ordinary. No end rhymes, all in a undetectable formula within. And what it does is to create, and sustain, a flow of lines rather than that stacatto, predictable sing-song pattern that sets us back in nursery school. There is no lag, you pick up the narrative like gurgling water in a word stream. I think it also adds to the sexiness of the poem. Very subtle, very appealing. Cheers MJ. Rewarded 8
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Can't imagine a finer compliment. I never deliberately try to emulate anybody, least of all GM . Truth be told, I know little about him or his body of work. But the rhythm of 'The Windhover' impressed me more than any other poem I read in English class, which I hated as much as any detainee at my school. It must be that it was somehow in tune with my own tastes or internal rhythms for I am certainly not clever enough to 'forge' or imitate the Great Man's work.
This one I'm particularly pleased with and all positive comment about it is like people admiring a new baby. Even if they're lying - it's welcome! Thank you MJ.
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Hi,
Love the choice of title and what a pleasant surprise from the body of the poem.
From a broad perspective I really like this but can't really say why. The wording and structure are much like the content - charming and mildly seductive (almost erotic even) but not overbearing. I think this illustrates nicely that less is more - the suggestion rather than the statement.
However, when it comes to the details there is much to savor, here are a couple of my favs:
“No-one may ride her but you, her mistress -
and the blacksmith” - Fantastic enjambment here – just the right level of connotation.
“sweat glistening as he beats” another great line the eye subconsciously inverts the first and last words and reads "beads (of) sweat”, carefully thought out.
As far as any suggestions go perhaps in the last line of S1 ‘fire on water’ may be redundant.
The second and third lines of S2 seem overly protracted, I wonder if the following would work:
“loving his firm touch and the sure thud of the hammer
as it sinks nails into the yielding firmness of the hoof”
A great poem for me.
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Hey, Hobby.
Always gratifying to get thoughtful and informed comment like this, especially when it's so positive and the more so when a poem is almost instantly a personal favourite.
Glad you picked up on the erotic element. It's key to this one. Also pleased you felt it was well 'weighted - always a fine line with such material.
I tweaked the long lines you mentioned and , after some deliberation, accepted your suggestion about 'fire and water' being redundant. It is my compliment to you that I would change something so personally valued.
Thanks as always for casting your astute eye over my work. >W<
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hey windover
i had to read this over for clarity. not necessarily your fault. very fine, or refined writing here. the images where subtle but very thought provoking, like i had been there, but not fully conscience and you bought it all to forefront.
dave. Rewarded 4
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Thanks Dave
I like this poem a lot myself. It 'presented itself' on my Morning Pages and then distilled down to this - so your comment is more on the button than you imagine. It's intended to be a little erotic and I hope that came across. Whatever, I'm always pleased when The Professor approves. Thanks for reading and commenting. >W<
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Ridden hard. . .
. . . but definitely NOT put away wet!
Awesome, John. There's something different about this one from your usual work-- I'm not sure what it is, but I like it. I like it a lot.
Maybe it's you taking those qualities that are best in your usual work to the next level-- I have always admired the poems of yours which told stories, as well as your poems that have an erotic element, and here you have masterfully fused those two elements.
I love the title. It is so delightfully understated, making the poem a pleasant surprise.
"How you love to see him toil,
sweat glistening as he beats
red hot steel to his will"
That's the stuff erotica's made of-- what lady doesn't adore a working-class hottie?
And there's something quintessentially erotic about horses and horseback riding-- including the blacksmith in the tale ups the interest.
"She is quiet for him,
loving his firm touch and the sure thud of the hammer at the nails. . ." Delicious.
The only thing I was little confused on was, "yielding firmness." Was that a deliberate oxymoron?
All in all though, an outstanding write.
XOXO,
Lauren
. Rewarded 8
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Have to admit, Lauren, I waited with particular interest to see how The Queen of Tarts would receive this one. Of course you didn't disappoint. It's at moments like this I really appreciate those times when you are honest enough to tell me that my stuff is not up to par. Because I'm personally very pleased with this one. Sometimes you just 'know'. And for me this is one of those times. Hope that doesn't sound arrogant.
The idea of a horse as a metaphor for a woman's sexuality - not just as vehicle but actually as a metaphor was just SO appealing. It emerged during my Morning Pages and I just had to run with it. The poem is a very distilled version of an idea that took shape quite slowly but very surely. I originally called it 'The Blacksmith' but found the latter title much more intriguing and illuminating. Glad you liked that. Also glad you picked up on the bit about the nails going into the hoof. I doubt if I could actually come up with a crystal clear description/explanation of what it's meant to symbolize. But it felt so tactile to write it. 'Yielding firmness' is how I imagine a horse's hoof would feel to a blacksmith. Like a soft wood or cork or composite of some kind - it would 'receive ' and 'grip' the nail, rather than just allow itself be penetrated by it. Hmmm - maybe I knew more than I realized I was writing! Honest, I only just saw what I wrote.
The people turning to the noise of the shoes is about that 'glow'.... I'm sure you know it!
Like I said, I couldn't wait to hear your 'take' on this one. I wasn't disappointed. Thank you (as always) Cutiepie! xxx >W<
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Both the woman and the horse are in love with the same man. Who will he choose. Just joking.
Very pleasent read. The only thing that was not as thrilling as the rest of the poem, was line 4, I thought that it was slightly too long and maybe should been shorter for greater impact.
Liked it as I usualy like your work.. Rewarded 6
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Thanks A.
Took your suggestion about that long line and broke it up a bit. I was delighted you regarded some of it as 'thrilling' - hope you meant it for that's what I'd hoped for. Many thanks for commenting as always. >W<
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I'll say this, W...
...not only do you know how to tell a tiny story with poetic charm, but you also surely know how to end it, with doubled-up art. Not only that, but you've deftly managed to (I think) blend the mistress's hots for the smithy with that of the chestnut "Passion" - who loves the man's touching and grooming and ALL that tender attention.
Then, the attention of "men's heads" on the street, and who can blame them, with such a seductive (but dressed, alluringly) Lady Godiva in her new shoes?
Nicely layed out, John. Even more nicely imaged. I like it all, but especially that long, perfectly long line: "Chestnut brown she was born to race and needs to be given her head..." And the deliberate repeat of "she loves..." is just right. And one more beauty: "Sweat glistening as he beats / red hot steel..." - the hissing s's of passion.
Lad. Rewarded 8
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Ay oop Lad!
Ah wer' def'nitly 'opin' for an undertone of the Lady Chatterly's 'ere. Knew I could rely on you to pick up on the passion and the blending. The horse, of course, is purely a metaphor for her passion. Thought the ladies here would like that glistening, sweaty image - glad you liked it too! Thanks for reading and for all the kind words here. Tha's great! >W<
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