Before dark you’ll decline again,
drop your blonde head
to cicada song
in peach-lit evening.
The late June perfume
of cornhusks and
honeysuckle will alight
on you one final time tonight.
I mark my days this way,
your radiant rays
breaking through
my milky slumber.
You raise your sun-browned
face to me and sing
through airplane drone and wind chimes
of love and things yet undone.
Your shadow in yellow barn light
is stooping as bats whir with fireflies,
the corn husks will bone rattle soon
in the chill breath of the October moon.
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Please tell me what you think
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Well... till the very end you keep weaving a very serene, poetic picture of the "sunflower girl". And the end... I am guessing by "the corn husks will bone rattle soon" is to indicate that she has grown old? I might be waaaaaayyyyyy of the track here. But the "rattle" gives me that picture. And "bone" as a verb is confusing. Well if the poem is what I think it is, then it is quite pretty in its simplicity of thought. Just a simple message of beauty does not last forever. But I do have a couple of thoughts on some of the lines here.
Line 1 and 2... Why do you talk about the "declining head". For a girl talking about her declining her head on your shoulder... or even on the pillow is sweet. But the analogy with the sunflower wouldn't hold true. I would rather have the sunflowers head up and beaming. Or if you do want it to "decline", perhaps you can use a more romantic word like "bow" instead of "decline" which is a bit to close to "Death" for my comfort"
line 15: "airplane" Why get something man made in a poetry which is so full with nature?
THen the second last line... i think that needs some cleaning up. Just to ensure that you give out the write message.
The imagery that you have is quite beautiful. ANd the rhymes work perfectly. Liked reading this one... but felt a bit incomplete as I got a bit confused about the ending.
HM
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Thank you
for reading this. Yes, it is a rough piece, I agree, especially the last part. I was attempting to paint the picture of a couple's life together using nature imagery while weaving the ultimate truth of transience and death throughout.
"Bone rattle"--I'm not sure where I got it, but I liked it and thought it fit in well with the death imagery in conjunction the coming of Autumn and old age.
The use of "declining" in conjuntion with "head" was intentionally used to denote death; but to tell you the truth I'm not married to it-nor am I married to anything in this very rough sketch.
I used the "airplane drone" to denote lonliness, laziness, complacency; but it does kind of work as a metaphor for the way modern living breaks into our days.
Thanks again for reading. I'll keep your words in mind during rewrite.
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Wonderful imagery, wonderful rhyming... a masterpiece... very well written; I wish you the best
himanshumodi
July 25, 2007