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Cool winds pass through the dull street-light, dancing with the debris of day, and I'll dance with them through the night, to find fit words that I should say. Dancng with the debris of day, the hurting words we cried too loud, to find fit words that I should say, I failed to, and alas we rowed. The hurting words we cried too loud, cut deep this man as I stood tall, I failed to and alas we rowed, with words which brought about my fall. Cut deep this man as I stood tall, and staggered out into the night, with words which brought about my fall, wrapped round this chest binding too tight. I staggered out into the night, cold thoughts pass through the dull street-light, wrapped round this chest binding too tight, and I'll dance with them through the night. Andrew Hide 11-09-2007 |
Reviews
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Strong poem and very appealing to me, Andrew.
In my reading, I think you've captured the awful aftermath of a loud quarrel with a loved one, and very nicely wrapped it into the night's "debris" of the day. I like its disciplined writing about what might have been a "woe is me" in lesser poetic hands. Yes, for sure, those terrible afterthoughts about our inability to soften our "tall" pride, which pains us as deeply as the one we've hurt - I know those moments well, too, and your poem reminds me how what could have been a joyful dance can turn into a dark one.
What I'm equally impressed with is the skillful execution of the poem, its technique, which is just right for its theme of dancing round and round, nearly in circles. I mean, the rolling, repeated lines from one stanza to another, and each stanza's final line becoming the first line of the next. Not only that, but the rolling rhyme-scheme is delightful to enjoy with its ABAB, BCBC, CDCD, DADA and AAAA - very sharp writing, A.H.
I don't know of a "pantoum", but I suspect it's a poetic form - Eastern? - and it surely works well here. Fine poem for me to read. Very fine writing.
Lad
Lad
September 14, 2007
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