Peeling gods from the sticky side
of consciousness,
tossing them in oceans
of giggling hyenas,
we lurk in churches
like stupid schoolgirls,
legs spread to the possibility
of love, of romantic moments
under pasted moons,
whitepainting our memories
in suicide notes
to atrophied laughter.
Please tell me what you think
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Hey Brandon. How's everything? This one doesn't say much for your mood and I was quite depressed after reading it. Best lines for me were
'like stupid schoolgirls,
legs spread to the possibility
of love, of romantic moments
under pasted moons,'
It struck me that you could move them to the beginning of the poem to make it take off faster. What do you think?
like stupid schoolgirls,
legs spread to the possibility
of love,
of romantic moments
under pasted moons
peeling gods from the sticky side
of consciousness,
tossing them in oceans
of giggling hyenas,
we lurk in churches
whitepainting our memories
in suicide notes
to atrophied laughter
. Rewarded 8
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The first thing that came to mind on reading this was, "Ow." I am no fan of religion myself, but holy crap, this was some bitter, bitter ruminating on the subject of man's greatest folly.
As with others of yours I've read, I was sucked right in with the originality of the image of "Peeling gods from the sticky side/of consciousness. . ." For a weird second, with the title of pasted moons, I was waiting for a breast reference. (You know what pasties are? Never mind. I must be losing it.)
"Stupid schoolgirls" seems unduly harsh of an image, though this poem strikes me as having come as a rant. Schoolgirls as the apotheosis of trite behavior seems cliched for you-- which I am attributing to the cathartic nature of the piece, though I like "legs spread to the possibility of love. . ." We are all God's bitches. "Giggling hyenas" also borders on cliche-- we expect hyenas to giggle, just as we do schoolgirls.
The last three lines are good-- especially "atrophied laughter." I like how you kept the references to sticky things going throughout the piece.
Lauren
. Rewarded 8
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Hey Bill
I’m not quite sure what this poem is about but I love the rhythm and attitude in this one. Plus I really appreciate that someone is trying to write serious poetry but sticking to a certain poetry style.
Well done!!!
Bill
. Rewarded 4
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i really appreciate your creativity. i feel like many people writing currently, really slag off on the creative side of things. your descriptions are amazing. i love when unusual adjectives/adverbs are used, it shows that you thought about what you were writing (hence the creativity i mentioned) and its not always easy to make them work while maintaining a clear cut theme or mood, but id say youve succeeded in that as well. this was a breath of fresh air to me, a pleasure to read. i will check out more of your stuff.
-theo. Rewarded 8
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Thank you very much! I don't agree that this is all that good, but thank you anyway.
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Windhover
September 19, 2007
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