The cantaloupes softening on the vine
have earned a swarm of gnats, and are sagging
into themselves, age chewing on the rind
of fruit once so bulbous, pink and bragging.
Bees get drunk on what's left of their sugar
and they drone on back to their humming homes
as the sun's ripe tomato, crushed and blurred,
juices itself on the brittle bones
of cornstalks. Bats cut jagged paths of black
in what was once a baby blue morning.
Let's not talk then, love, of those things we lack
as nature whispers her constant warning-
life is ever giving and taking back,
even the surest rind is sure to break.
Please tell me what you think
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
-
hey bill
i guess life has ebb and flow and ups and downs and one day your on top and the next day on the bottom so why not pull with the punches and ride the waves its all part of the plan. well said.
dave. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thanks a lot Dave
You're right about life being a very mixed bag. I suspect most of the dissappointment we feel in life is our reaction to it. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
-
-
Pleasing to the max, Bill.
I like every just-right word in its just-right place among easy flow and natural rhymes, both end and internal. The poem avoids the trap of modern sonnet writers who often force words into awkward phrasings for their end-rhymes; yours here are fully contemporary in execution. Very nice. And that volta-turn in the eleventh line - skillful. Then there's the humble content: a knowing gardener's look into life and love.
I KNOW this took plenty of work, and, for my enjoyment, it's an impressive success.
Lad
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Thanks Lad
for reading and responding. I'm not sure this is finished yet, but I suppose it's a good start.
-
-
Well... been a bit out of the poetic domain lately. Nice to read a sonnet after such a long time.
The message is clear and loud. Pleasing rhyming. Not too uniform on the beats, but it still reads well. So a good read for me. And feels seriously good to have read a poem after such a long time!
The only thing is I didn't quite take to the repetition of "rind" in the last line. Maybe you could use something stronger?. Rewarded 8
-
-
I appreciate your taking the time to read my poem and even more that you're willing to offer suggestions. I'm relatively new to form, so perhaps you'll be kind enough to elaborate on what you mean by "not too uniform on the beats," moreover, how you believe I can correct this.
I don't know if I agree with you about the repetition, though. I think repetition for emphasis, or circularity (at least in poetics) can be desireable, especially in the sonnet, which usually addresses someone and seeks to solve a problem.
All the best! -
-
Well... feel lines 2, 6, 9, 11 are longer than they should be. But then even I am not too technically educated on meter, so I might be way of the mark. I just go by the way I read and therefore feel that those lines are longer.
-
-
-
Hi, Brandon. I've been meaning to sit down and read your sonnets, I'm glad I finally have at least gotten one! I am a huge admirer of any poet who takes on the form-- it's such a small thing, yet such an enormous thing, so I was excited to see these. However, being no purist, I like that the sentences go on for more lines. (I don't think it's ever been stated as an absolute requirement for sonnets, but it seems that traditionally that's how they are done.)
As usual, I enjoy your trademark unusual and graphic imagery--gnats, rotten fruit, "the sun's ripe tomato," tempered by "a baby blue morning," and "love." I like how you've used them to take a fresh perspective on an old theme-- the fleetingness of youth, of ripeness, of life, tying the melon images together from start to finish, and linking them also with romantic love-- fruit in general being a romantic image.
I rather like it the way it is-- brutal AND kind, hard and soft, realistic and idealistic.
Nicely done.
Lauren
September 30, 2007