the locomotive thundered
on tracks arrowing,
narrowing into the distance
never to meet
but beneath the city street
a tube-train
straddled its rails
and electricity
arced
silently it penetrated
the dark
riding the differential,
powered by the parallel,
connecting.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Lovely internal rhymes
....sounds with sense again, you're good at this. I think so much poetry we all write - I really should speak for myself here - lacks technical skill, but I like the particular polish you bring when you create something like this - rather like a chinese puzzle-box, intricate and well-made. -
An interesting write, John. I think I'm going to dub you the Freudian Poet, because, for some reason, I see sexual images in your poems where there probably weren't any, at least, not consciously-- the tube-train "straddled," and "penetrated." Dirty!
That aside, the only false note to my ear was the "but" in line 5. I think it detracts from the overall tightness of the piece.
Other than that, I really do like the images of the dual trains, one above, one below-- sort of Hermetic, that. I also really like the sly alliteration of "powered by the parallel." I'd never thought about it like that-- all we have here are above-ground trains.
Yeah, the more I think about this one, the more I like it-- a train being a quintessential image of man's technological prowess. ZK noted below that the two are from different technological eras, which is true, though they are still both utilized.
XOXO,
Lauren
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Freudian technology
My Dearest Pie !
Nothing much passes you by and this one does indeed have Freudian over/undertones, though not as obvious as the subliminal ones you so correctly uncovered. The image of the two rails apparently meeting at the horizon, at some future time, but never actually doing so seems to depict so many human relationships. The idea then, that a tube train, is itself the conductor of the spark between the two never-meeting lines, makes it an interesting image, a metaphor, I hope, for the elusive quality of love and human contact. The tunnel stuff works more obviously but equally well! Thanks as always, my sharp one! x >W<
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Evenly balanced...
decision for me. Altogether I did not think it flowed yet the meaning you went straight for and slipped silently behind tricksome metaphors keeps me interested in this work. Maybe I just assumed it would flow more due to the name? Possibly, yet this was not a bad read for me, even more on the enjoyable side as it calmed my thoughts.
-Renji. Rewarded 6
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for a change...
for a change, it's cool to see a poem dedicated to something we see/use daily: subways, trains etc. the contradiction between a locomotive and the tube-train, kinda remember's us that there isn't really anything new underneath the sun. in the sense that the tube-train is from a different techonological era, it's propulsion rests on something else, nevertheless both do the same.
"narrowing into the distance/never to meet"
"silently it penetrated/the dark"
shows that despite the difference in 'age', the description of the way they go about their business is similar.
nice.
. Rewarded 8
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Good
This was a good read. i fully didnt grasp the subject but i still liked it. the words you used really stood out for me.
great job!
--Tori
. Rewarded 4
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