He takes me, one vast hand
splayed like starfish on blazing breast,
stealing my heat so he melts into my skin
and I can only feel the pressure
of his fingers clasping,
Scalding breath on my neck and
Oh!
He winds the window down, to get some
air in the traffic,
unaware of our reckless copulation but
a moment before, and shifts his great hands
to rest on his knees
whilst I ride the clutch in the stream
of automobiles, making desultory
small talk, breasts heavy and untouched,
while he plays with the radio.
But I’m still there, one vast hand on breast and
Oh!
Author notes
My first foray into the world of the obvious erotic. Please be gentle!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I really like the juicy sexuality of this poem, silver, and, for me, it all wrapped moistly around the title and the twice-repeated "Oh!" - what a fine word to say what this nearly breathless poem is all about. It's got reality and ecstacy written all over it, and it rings true, just as the poet's bell got rung!
I looked around for something in it that might be revised, but after three readings, I found none; I like it all, all its phrases and words. What I especially liked were "stealing my heat so he melts into my skin" - "to get some air in the traffic" - "while I ride the clutch in the stream" - ooh, that last one especially is as sexy as all get-out. Nice work, sweaty and orgasmic as a true erotic poem should be in my book. Really hot poem all the way through. Hope you don't mess with it.
Later...(he said, panting...)
Lad -
Silver, I'm SHOCKED ! More about the reckless endangerment of other drivers since you were clearly driving (or is 'riding the clutch' pure metaphor?)while all this fondling was going on!
However, having gotten over my loss of innocence in the regard of my neme-sis, and the flagrant DISregard of traffic by-laws, may I suggest..
The melting hand has lovely potential not fully realized here I think. The image of mercury engulfing metal o/s suggests itself here perhaps, a nice metaphor for physical union, hard and soft, different but the same etc.
The second stanza feels a little prosaic and the word copulation is too strong and too strident and too downright technical and ugly for the context of the rest of the poem.
I suspect the repition of 'one vast hand' is deliberate but I don't know that it works.
I'm a big fan of erotic poetry and would like to see much more of it around here. I'll cut and paste this and message you how I'd like to see it (assuming, of course, you don't mind me messing around with your erotica!)
I commend your daring Spectre! You are full of surprises!
x >W<
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It's a great try! Really!
I get what you're trying to say. It only needs some ajusting...like the transition from the first verse to the second. It seems a bit broken and off topic. Does that help any? Most likely not O.o...
Keep trying, you'll get it!
Ashley -
Well for your first attempt into Erotic genre, its a great attempt
I definetly got the eroctiness to it. I am an erotic writer, so this to me was a subtle erotic poem, and that's a skill in itself, to be not so revealing about the sex of it
Very well done and I really really liked
Cindy
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